Good past couple of days in Dublin. Traveling abroad always makes me so energized. It is certainly one of my passions. Lots of time to reflect on myself and the path/steps I need to take when I am back at home.
Was thinking about what stage of LBS I am in. I feel like I am slowly starting to move into acceptance stage. It is easier and easier to detach as my H becomes angrier. I see it more clearly how broken he is and how it it is not my job to fix him. I mean how is it that he is the one having A, but yet he is the one that is so angry at me for having a backbone and calling him on his gaslighting. It actually makes me quite sad that he is making the choices he is. I do have empathy and as hard as it is given the A, I am trying to live from a place of love in my choices in how to respond.
While here, I have been reading Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live. There is a great deal of information regarding shame and how that keeps us from living wholeheartly. I know that this has been a major barrier for me. Part of my growth will be learning that I am enough. Unfortunately, my H also needs to learn he is enough. I know I did a number of things that contributed to by H feeling this way. There is a really good chapter on how men feel shame, especially as it relates to feeling sexually rejected, and it made me cry when I read it. It underscores why H turned to A....he wanted validating that he was not broken and wants to feel as if he is enough. I know this is not the long term solution and he needs to feel enough from within. But it is an easy way to temporarily numb the pain.
Two people with shame issues are going to have a hard time connections if both refuse to be vulnerable. Lots a work ahead for me in this area this summer. It was hard enough feeling enough before H's affair. But I have to remember it is not primarily about me even though I did contribute. Baby steps.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Oh, and I sent cordial text last night to H to please turn on sprinkler system and water my flowers before he takes off for his business trip on Monday. No response. I know I shouldn't have, but sent follow up text saying that it makes me sad that he clearly is hurting so much inside. That I wish I could fix it, but I know he is the only one that can do the work. Said to have a safe trip and thanks for dealing with flowers. No response. When will I learn?!
Last edited by BW05; 06/08/1508:43 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
In need of encouragement. Struggling to not send text to H wishing him happy birthday today. When you have been fired from being a wife to your cheating H and they are not treating you as friend with their lying and deceit, they don't deserve such acknowledgement, right?
I am sure if I send it he would just ignore it anyway and I don't want or need that rejection. How is this my life right now? I am strong believer in karma and feel like I must have messed up somewhere to be given this.
Last edited by BW05; 06/09/1507:42 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BW, Would you send a bday text to a complete stranger? That's what H is to you right now. I know it's hard but resist the urge.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Hi BW. you do not deserve this , please stop thinking that way , this is a terrible time for you but it's not forever. Happiness is yours for the making. Life is a struggle sometimes and other times it's a delight This is the former but it's far from all your fault
Super fun and fulfilling day in Dublin. Killed it during my conference presention, Guiness was flowing freely at the pub tonight, and great connections with new friends from around the world. Maybe I should just move overseas somewhere and run away from it all.
Least fun part was trying to stay cheerful when asked questions about H, marriage, what H he does, children, etc. They of course don't know what I have going on, so I can't blame them trying to be friendly. Surprisingly, I stayed very calm and felt little negative emotion in talking about H. Just slightest bit if discomfort. Maybe it was all of the wine and Guinness.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Try to visit some of the pubs. They have great food and the people who come there to eat and enjoy the company of others is always great.
Ireland is one of my favorite places to visit. Are you going to be able to visit some other places besides Dublin? The people are wonderful and their are so talented, i.e., musically, dancing, gardening, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
