hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

Thanks again V

It is clear in your writing that you still want this M and to repair.

I do believe that I would want to make a go of it if W would drop the OM 100% and want back into the M. I do not want to set up a 3rd-wheel friendship, with me constantly looking at what I lost. She would just love to have me as a friend and is unaffected by seeing what I am giving up if I were to allow that.

Just last night, she came home in a different mood, trying to make "conversation", well at least wanted to tell me about her day, maybe she wanted to hear about my day. She went on for 10 minutes about her work - I listened, hmmmmed, aha-d, asked a question, but inside felt annoyed that we are back here - without addressing anything.

The meals out, I would not veto all of them for the sake of your kids. Pick your restaurant, something light breezy and fun, where you can get up to collect salad or refill drinks. You can choose if you like and ask W to join you at the restaurant, oh and yes you are doing this for your kids! You can be clear on that.

Smart and casual so you look amazing! That is happening? Becoming the man only a fool would leave, with aftershave, haircut and a big smile.

If you are not strong enough then just say 'next time'. Plan to travel in your own car to meet at the restaurant and leave slightly early if needs be. No alcohol and relax, oh and did I say smile? Play a heart warming tune before you go in. Sit between the kids, oh and did I say smile? I did? Oh I thought I forgot to say smile.

So how would you be with a friendly neighbour?

Your leg has just been run over, your tv went on the blink, the washing machine needs repair, there is a leak in the loo and your car won't start. Friendly neighbour says 'hi, how are you?'

What do you say?

Your neighbour opposite had his cat run over and it's at the vets.

What do you say?

The guy in the bar you swap baseball stories with just won a holiday in a competition.

What do you say?

Your coworkers daughter is appearing as a guest on a talent show on TV.

What do you say?

How do you say it? Do you look at them and smile as you say it?

I get this - I really do - and I have done this in the past. I have been making the decision to not do this though - not really a reaction, but a decision. I have been removing myself as the cake for my sake. Maybe I have taken it too far. I am very twisted by this. I have the belief that if I put myself in the friendly neighbor position, that is where I will remain, and that is where W wants me, and the stagnant waters will start smelling again.

I do feel like a jerk to my kids when I decline the dinner invite and that is why I am encouraging everyone to eat at home. When I write that, it sounds a lot like I am trying to control everything.

I feel that my current of veering toward D may be the way to get solace. I almost feel that I have made up my mind and there is no going back (maybe she is sensing that).

One trick U, my IC advised me if it's hard to look WW in the eyes or gaze at her face (replace WH for me) then either stare between their eyebrows or defocus on their face by looking at a spot on the wall behind them in the middle of their back. Speak from the centre of your chest, oh and smile it gives warm to the voice. If WW is sitting sit, if standing stand. Say what you need to say wait 5 secs if you get no answer move on smiling. Be ready to move on quickly. If they say I am well then answer that's good to know. If you get a whine, validate (Wonkas cheat sheet) then move on.if you get a rant STFU and walk away.

My interactions with H eased off greatly when I set myself some behavioural targets. I was dealing with aggression not emotional blackmail (crying). I will find that for you from one of my early threads. You can ignore it if it's not useful.

I try something like that, and when I do speak to her, I make the effort to soften my look (I remember a poster here a while back saying in his mind "I love you" while speaking helped. It has been difficult for me to do this and make eye contact with her lately, but I know that is not helpful in any manner.

I have basically been living like she is not here. I take care of about everything in the house and with the kids, and she shows up, sleeps on the couch, and leaves in the morning.

Smile

Smile - I know - I have that smile yet. My kids still bring my smile out. W sees me smiling with the kids and sees it go away with her. I also hate being like that - that is not who I want to be.