Bets, Your examples of CONTROL were right on the mark. However, it is often a damned if you do or if you don't paradigm. If they say 'I don't care' and you guess wrong as to what they really want, you can be punished. If they say what they want and you jump to it, they feel empowered and 'in control' and come to EXPECT it all the time. And if they say I don't care and you don't do anything...they can often complain that you aren't pulling your share. Sigh.
I remember that prior to the first separation with my X, I bought his clothes most of the time. He didn't like shopping, I picked things out and he tried them on and kept them if he liked them. I did it out of LOVE and as long as I felt that way, I think it was fine. But then I started feeling overwhelmed because I found I was buying everything, doing everything, micromanaging everything....and so I resented having to do it all. When we reconciled, my H had bought a bunch of new clothes and I never went back to buying his stuff...isn't that a little weird because it was NEVER talked about. HA!
When my X left and my daughter was trying to talk to him, he said to her, with great vehemence: Your mom RAN the house. And she said "well, dad, someone has to." He seemed so happy and excited that "now she'll have to live alone". For HIM it was always all about control, but he didn't have the ability of empathetic perception so that he could see how it felt a lot like his controlling me from my side. I don't doubt for a moment that he FELT controlled, but what I wish we all could realize is that most often each of the two partners feels, at times, controlled or manipulated. A P/A person manipulates, a fixer controlls...but really it is pretty much the same thing, percepturally.
Well, enough of my rambling. Peace out. gd
PS: Bets, I cried when I read what he said to your boss. I think he's coming home babe...I really do!
