So sad that I can't even think !!

[asitis]

RosaLinda, the only goals I wrote go from:
Better/More intimacy
Socializing more
Comunication more deeply

To:
I would like him home for x-mas
I would like to be able to go for dinner even if still separated
I would like to be able to do fun things together-go to the movie or fishing even if still separated.
I would like for him to call/text me to chat about our day not just a good day or goodnight.

What I am doing to detach is at the moment is not texting him or calling him first & keep replies short & to the point.

Thank you all for all the help, I really appreciate it.

So you want him to initiate contact that either asks about you or shares about him?

You want him ask you on a date (that may take longer)? What do you think would be the first sign that this might be in the works?

OK, how about you. What do you want to do for yourself in the next month or two? Just for yourself. Just to make your life happy with or without your H? Do you have a hobby? How about some exercise and taking care of your health? A new look (clothes, hair style, etc - that'll get his attention)? IC. Taking a class at your local art center/museum? Volunteering somewhere that gets you appreciative contact with people and makes you feel good about yourself? Are there some friends you haven't spent time with a while that you would like to reconnect with? Are there any groups you are connected with that you would like getting more active in?

You see, showing him that you aren't just sitting around with no life outside of him is one of the best things you can do. Even if it doesn't draw him back, you will be in a much better place to handle whatever comes. And it does make you more attractive and plants the seed that he may not have the luxury of doing what he wants for too long because he knows he always has you to come back to.

[RosaLinda]

I'm glad you're pondering all of this Cindy, and hope having so much advice thrown at you isn't overwhelming you. How are you doing this evening?

I think our goals are supposed to be things WE can control (like boundaries )

You listed your goals as:

• I would like him home for x-mas
• I would like to be able to go for dinner even if still separated
• I would like to be able to do fun things together-go to the movie or fishing even if still separated.
• I would like for him to call/text me to chat about our day not just a good day or goodnight

While those are lovely aspirations, whether or not your H comes home for Christmas or calls you to chat really aren't things you can control.

But you can use this time apart from your H for your own personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth. And I think you'll find that developing a healthier, more loving relationship with yourself will help you in your other relationships, including your relationship with your H.

A personal goal could be something as simple as inviting your girls out to lunch this week. Can you see the difference between that and having the goal that your daughters will invite you out? One you can control, the other you cannot.

Or you could endeavor to walk around the block three times a week, or cut out that third cup of coffee (horrors, not me!)

Or you could work on things like discovering your own relationship needs and wants.

After a lot of soul searching and denial, I realized that my own marriage was an unhealthy codependent relationship in which I was the rescuer-fixer. I've set personal goals of trying not to interfere, of letting my ex (and kids and everyone else in my life) make their own mistakes, and reap the consequences of their actions. It isn't easy LOL

And I have goals like always treating people how I'd like to be treated, listening more than I speak (a HARD one for me), and being grateful for all the good things in my life.

I hope this doesn't sound too preachy. I didn't mean it that way. And I hope you get a good night's rest.

[CindySy]

asitis, to your first question, I don't know what I want...
As far as going on a date, I do realise now that this is way too soon, but the first sign that this might be in the works would be that he would be asking more and more about my day & what I'm doing.

I don't have any hobbies yet as I had dedicated my life to him & our daughters, but I will really have to find who Iam & what I like to do now that no one need me. The volunteer idea is wonderful. We are very limited where I live as far as new things to do but I will find something.
I really like that phrase you wrote:
"and plants the seed that he may not have the luxury of doing what he wants for too long because he knows he always has you to come back to."
I want him to stop thinking that way.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write me

[CindySy]

RosaLinda, My mind is non-stop pondering....it's crazy.
Don't worry about overwhelming me with info, I so need all the help I can get.

I didn't well last evening because it looks like my husband is possibly starting to turn into alcohol and my oldest daughter was very upset. I fell asleep crying & praying for him.

I didn't realize that the goals needed to be something I needed to have control over & that it could be somthing not related to him?

Do I need to do 2 sets of goals? Personal & for Him?

Or do I not even set goal/baby steps for our marriage until I see him do some turn around?

I already realized that our marriage was not perfect & I was like a mother to him not his partner, I was the planner, organizer, the fixer, the rescuer, the pep talker, the encourager....nothing more...it makes me sad to think about it but it is the truth & I had asked myself a while back, if this was really the life I was suppose to have ! I wasn't happy either but I married for life & for better or worse.
NOT interfering is anybody's life soooo sounds good to me. It makes me happy !!
Nothing sounds preachy to me, don't worry.
I am trying to sleep & eat but not doing to well on that either, lost 22lbs in 40days

Again, thank you so much for all the help you are giving me. It is 10:30am here in Canada

[Painter]

It sounds to me like you deserve a day of personal care... A massage and a facial, a radical new hairdo, and a manicure. It is amazing how good that would make you feel, even if it seems superficial. It is also very comforting to be pampered and touched when you are sad and feel lonely. There's studies that show that people who feel lonely actually take longer showers - I think it has to do with the sensation of touch and warmth against the skin.

People who take good care of themselves, are attractive to other people. I've been in the retail and service business, and my experience is that if you give something away or sell it for cheap, nobody values it or wants it. If you set a high price on something, people will feel like it has a lot of value and desire it more.

[asitis]

asitis, to your first question, I don't know what I want...
As far as going on a date, I do realise now that this is way too soon, but the first sign that this might be in the works would be that he would be asking more and more about my day & what I'm doing.

I don't have any hobbies yet as I had dedicated my life to him & our daughters, but I will really have to find who Iam & what I like to do now that no one need me. The volunteer idea is wonderful. We are very limited where I live as far as new things to do but I will find something.
I really like that phrase you wrote:
"and plants the seed that he may not have the luxury of doing what he wants for too long because he knows he always has you to come back to."
I want him to stop thinking that way.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write me

OK, so your life has been focused on kids and him. He is feeling trapped by M and thinks he wants out. If you want to be attractive to him (or to be a little hard on you, to you and a future partner should the M not work out - a real possibility you must face), you need to start figuring out who you are and want to be outside of this very confining framework. That doesn't me you abandon the M, and certainly not the kids, but you really will only seem to be like an unattractive symbol of confinement to your H if you continue down the path you are on.

So, I'd strongly focus not on goals for your M, but on goals for yourself. This may require some IC, but at some point before you had H and kids, you had a distinct identity and pursuits. This is what attracted H to you. Current you doesn't. Not that you haven't been doing something important and valuable - you definitely have. It is just not helping you move forward and become the person you want to be or be the person who might draw your H back in.

While my advice has to be taken with a grain of salt, you need to put the M on the side for the time being and focus on yourself and your kids. Your kids will benefit from having a happy mom with a life of her own, so don't think you are being selfish. You haven't been selfish enough and have become to lost in your relationships. So that is where I think you need to focus your energies for right now. When you seem happy and positive about your life, and not just trying to fake it, your H will notice. It won't be enough in itself to repair your M, and even if you do it, it may not save your M, but I don't see you saving your M without it.

It is very hard at first, especially if your whole world has revolved around others for a long time. This is why you might need IC and others who can help you look at you outside this box you are in.

I'd also recommend a book called..... Both my W & I read it when we were first wrestling with her tendencies to over focus on me & the kids and losing herself, and how women are often raised to lose themselves and how damaging this is to both them and the people they love. It really is excellent. It is not necessary to engage in this level of introspection now, but it might help once you have started down the rediscovery process. Getting started identifying what you want in your life, separate from your M is the priority IMHO.

As almost everyone here will tell you is that while it seems like these feelings and pain will last forever, they don't. And while I'm urging you to move ahead, don't be too hard you are stuck right now in this phase and allow yourself to feel what you feel. It is part of the process and everyone in your sitch goes through something like this. It is not your problem, it just is what it is: a normal human response to a sh*tty situation. The particulars might be you, but don't own it too much and don't blame yourself. You're reaching out for help, acknowledging your problems and showing care and love for yourself by trying to help yourself. That is really, really positive and something to pat yourself on the back for.

Keep posting & hang in there. You're doing good.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[CindySy]

Thanks asitis, lots of good advice & eye openers !!

[CindySy]

Very good advice Cadet, I didn't even think of that.

[CindySy]

I just hate night time, too much thinking !!