It sounds as though you might be an Acts of Service person when speaking your LL? What LL does your H receive in?
For the record, I DID buy a car without asking or informing Mr. W. It was one of my crazymaking efforts, and I am not proud of it.
I'm glad you brought up the subject of "I don't care".
Mom, I not only heard that from Mr. W., it was my dad's patent answer to my mother as well. I seem to have followed Hendrix's model, because I chose my H because of his similarities to my dad. Fortunately, my dad is one of my best friends and my biggest fan...
However, I DON'T CARE is a passive-aggressive response. Please feel free to backtrack with a bottle of wine to review Meredith's and my threads, because we've delved into this subject a great deal since our paths crossed on this BB.
Typically, the I DON'T CARE response you get is not a true indicator of how they feel. It's more likely that they DO care, but they DON'T care for the conflict that will ensue with a control freak. That may be their perception of reality and not actually the case, but if your control freak tendencies come close to mine, it's dead on.
So this is how it goes: P/A Man tells you he doesn't care, you pick and he is resentful. OR P/A Man will tell you what he wants to do, you battle him into getting what you want and he either does it or doesn't do it... but either way is resentful.
Mom, as I mentioned before, this is not specific to just you. I'm guilty as charged... that is, until I got this well under control with the help of my shark and fish friends here.
Actually, living apart gives you the perfect chance to make the differentiation between a true act of service and exercising control. Do you do them just because? Or are you hope to sway him into remembering just how nice you are?
A question for you: What were you like when you were dating? What were you doing when he made his play for you? What kept his interest?
I know you fear letting go. But letting him figure out what the next step might be is exactly the Rx for your M. They call it here "letting go of the rope". You won't die if you don't see him socially. I know it hurts, Mom. I really do.
But after all, don't you want HIM to want YOU? Give him some space and time to figure this out without pressuring him. That's how he knows the big decision was his and not just another variation of you getting what you want.
Take it from one who also learned the hard way.
Since I dropped the rope last fall, Mr. Wonderful has been calling me socially pretty often. He misses me, Mom. He probably wouldn't come right out and tell that to anyone, but my D10 has told me a couple times that he acts like he misses me.
Because I'm patient (I'm trying hard not to laugh anymore at this adjective, but it's true) and understanding, he's finally seeing this for what it is--not what he thinks is has always been about (me getting my way).
Let go and go have fun with your 2 kids. I promise you that it's scary but the ONLY way you're going to get to the truth of things. If I can do this, so can you. I'm probably older than you are, more set in my ways, and in general, a pain in the butt. There's hope for everyone!
So here's your Rx: Instead of doing these things for your H because you're thoughtful, do something for yourself. I think you'll find the balance in that a whole lot more worthwhile for the time being.
What goals can you make to stop the behaviors that seemed to jump out at you? Specific goals are exactly what is going to help you acknowledge these behavior corrections.
In the words that someone wrote on a bathroom wall, why not learn this now so your kids don't have to learn it later? They live by example... so give them a good one. I know that I've had way too much to learn over the past year, but D10 is extremely grateful for my new degrees.
Hopefully, the new job that awaits as a result of my extensive education here at the University of Hard Knocks is worth every penny!
Take care,
Betsey (also mom to 2)
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
