Wow Betsey -- the list in Karen's thread was rather depressing. I'm especially guilty of micromanaging, talking for someone, playing the expert, dominating the conversation, defensiveness...I could go on
You wrote: Here's my rule of thumb: I should not do/take unilateral control over things that I have no business doing alone(buying his clothes for him, buying gifts to other people for him, etc.). Things that affect me (where we're going on vacation, should we buy a new car, moving) we discuss as a team. Things that are mine stay mine.
That seems like a good rule of thumb. I'd never buy a vehicle or make an investment change without discussion, but I guess I need to somehow *make* him be more involved with the day-to-day stuff, and stuff that involves his family's gifts and our kids' stuff. I can't settle for the "I don't care" response I get 99% of the time (?). It's so, so hard to give up control! I feel nervous that if I don't make any social plans for us, we won't do anything together and will grow farther apart. BUT I swear I will not be the person to suggest the next "date". We'll see how long it takes him to do so. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised
It's hard to involve him when he's living at his parents' house right now, but I shall do my best. It's especially hard for me to separate controlling him and doing nice things for him. The way I've always shown love (for anyone) is to *do* for people. I like to cook his fav meals, take his car to get the oil changed, buy him stuff he needs when I notice he's low it it, etc.
