So sad that I can't even think !!

[asitis]

asitis, to your first question, I don't know what I want...
As far as going on a date, I do realise now that this is way too soon, but the first sign that this might be in the works would be that he would be asking more and more about my day & what I'm doing.

I don't have any hobbies yet as I had dedicated my life to him & our daughters, but I will really have to find who Iam & what I like to do now that no one need me. The volunteer idea is wonderful. We are very limited where I live as far as new things to do but I will find something.
I really like that phrase you wrote:
"and plants the seed that he may not have the luxury of doing what he wants for too long because he knows he always has you to come back to."
I want him to stop thinking that way.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write me

OK, so your life has been focused on kids and him. He is feeling trapped by M and thinks he wants out. If you want to be attractive to him (or to be a little hard on you, to you and a future partner should the M not work out - a real possibility you must face), you need to start figuring out who you are and want to be outside of this very confining framework. That doesn't me you abandon the M, and certainly not the kids, but you really will only seem to be like an unattractive symbol of confinement to your H if you continue down the path you are on.

So, I'd strongly focus not on goals for your M, but on goals for yourself. This may require some IC, but at some point before you had H and kids, you had a distinct identity and pursuits. This is what attracted H to you. Current you doesn't. Not that you haven't been doing something important and valuable - you definitely have. It is just not helping you move forward and become the person you want to be or be the person who might draw your H back in.

While my advice has to be taken with a grain of salt, you need to put the M on the side for the time being and focus on yourself and your kids. Your kids will benefit from having a happy mom with a life of her own, so don't think you are being selfish. You haven't been selfish enough and have become to lost in your relationships. So that is where I think you need to focus your energies for right now. When you seem happy and positive about your life, and not just trying to fake it, your H will notice. It won't be enough in itself to repair your M, and even if you do it, it may not save your M, but I don't see you saving your M without it.

It is very hard at first, especially if your whole world has revolved around others for a long time. This is why you might need IC and others who can help you look at you outside this box you are in.

I'd also recommend a book called..... Both my W & I read it when we were first wrestling with her tendencies to over focus on me & the kids and losing herself, and how women are often raised to lose themselves and how damaging this is to both them and the people they love. It really is excellent. It is not necessary to engage in this level of introspection now, but it might help once you have started down the rediscovery process. Getting started identifying what you want in your life, separate from your M is the priority IMHO.

As almost everyone here will tell you is that while it seems like these feelings and pain will last forever, they don't. And while I'm urging you to move ahead, don't be too hard you are stuck right now in this phase and allow yourself to feel what you feel. It is part of the process and everyone in your sitch goes through something like this. It is not your problem, it just is what it is: a normal human response to a sh*tty situation. The particulars might be you, but don't own it too much and don't blame yourself. You're reaching out for help, acknowledging your problems and showing care and love for yourself by trying to help yourself. That is really, really positive and something to pat yourself on the back for.

Keep posting & hang in there. You're doing good.