FIDO - Changing The Rules - Pt 1

[NH115]

Thanks, V. Time flies. I’ve been pretty derelict in my posting lately.

I see signs of piecing, but where we really are is an excellent question. We’re trying to live “as if”. I understand the rationale behind that (it was recommended by the MC), but it leaves me a little unsure because it’s hard to tell what her true emotions are and what’s her just trying.

Just taking things at face value, things seem better. Her emotional state is more positive; she seems to have moved past all the self-pity she was wallowing in a few weeks ago. She no longer talks about separation. She’s not having the occasional meltdowns like she used to. We had originally set the end of May as a milestone; if things didn’t look better by then, we could start discussing S. That milestone came and went without any fanfare. She seems warmer; she calls me spontaneously; I get ‘ILY’ from her without prompting. When I had a fight with my F the other day on the phone, she didn’t start freaking out about my family and how much she wanted to escape. Actually she did say she wanted to escape, but she offered to take me with her, LOL.

My GAL continues apace. Still hitting fitness hard; gained a little weight back but lost a few pounds last week. At this point I’m not so much worried about my numerical weight; I just want to make sure what I do have isn’t jiggling. I’ll have a very busy flight schedule coming up in June and July. I’m getting numerous student referrals, and I’m working on expanding my business online to produce more income streams. I’ve contacted a friend of mine in the real estate business, and I’m learning about how to get started in real estate investing. We’ve both spent a lot of time on cleaning out and decluttering our house.

The MC was very positive and encouraging the last time we visited. Our MC schedule hasn’t been as consistent as I like due to vacations and W’s surgery (she’s recovering nicely, BTW). The MC was pointing out how different W sounded when comparing her rhetoric now to when we first started going in November. W used to tell me that her behavior and rhetoric during the height of her A fog was simply her being honest. A couple of weeks ago she finally apologized for that and admitted that a lot of her behavior back then was driven by her anger at me. That was an important epiphany IMHO. Still no sex, though. I initiated a couple of weeks ago and she seemed to be into it, but then she had an emotional crash a couple of days later, which has been a pattern. I resolved not to initiate sex for the time being…she wants some of this, she knows what to do LOL. She boils down our dilemma to basically sex. She has most of what she wants in me (so she says) and she wants to make this work, but she has some sort of block where sexual attraction is concerned, and she doesn’t know how to get it back. Neither one of us is willing to settle for a celibate relationship.

OM made his regular visit to our area last week. I acknowledged that I knew he was in town, but that was the last mention from either one of us. It feels like our sitch is becoming less and less about him as time goes on. She obviously talked to him during the day at work (unavoidable) but made no attempt to contact him outside of that.

On balance, things seem positive; but I still have that nagging in the back of my head. I can’t tell how much of this is her genuinely positive about our future, or is she consciously trying to live “as if”. I want to make sure that she wants to be here; I want things to work, but I refuse to be "settled for". I’m just doing what I can do; focus on improving myself and seeing where the chips fall.