I'm not going to be on much today due to a slew of morning meetings that resulted in action items for me. UGH.
Before I address Mom2Two, I want to give the quick ocean update. D (my boss) told me this morning that Mr. Wonderful called him last week to invite him out to dinner--tomorrow evening. D told me that Mr. W. said (verbatim), "I've burned way too many bridges over the past year and half, and it's time to start working on repairing them. Since I was the one who destroyed them, I'm going to be the one to do the work."
Holy cow! Blow my socks off, why dontcha, Mr. W.?
Okay, Mom... I've probably addressed the control issue all over this place. Before I continue, I will tell you that Karen812's thread (Upside Down You Turn Me), on page 5, Meredith cut & pasted a list of controlling behaviors that she found in Newcomers about 6 months ago. I don't remember the name of that thread, but the moderators bump it up from time to time. If you see ones that strike a chord with you, consider this your wake up call.
I don't want this to come across as you specific. So when I say "you" please know this. Here goes: I don't care if your H/W tells you that they want you to keep doing those things that take control. DON'T ACCEPT THIS AS FACT AND TRUE.
Unless you make out a list of tasks that are required to run your household and agree to divide them up, you shouldn't be doing the lion's share of running the family. Why not? If one person holds all the power, by default that means the other one does not have it.
Folks, this is the stuff that resentment is built from.
Mr. W. also enjoyed me being the financial person in our M. I'm good at it. I also am good at most other things that pertain to running our family--I run a company and a foundation on the side, so taking control and making unilateral decisions is second nature to me.
So..... after he moved out, he wrote me letters--graphically detailing all my sins. Nearly all of his bulletized items addressed control issues that I had--yet not once did he address the fact that he never wanted to do any of these things.
They came up much later in MC. It took our MC more than a few sessions for him to understand that by walking away from tasks which yield power (and most, if not all, do), I didn't take control from him. He gave it away.
On the flip side, it took a few sessions for him to get through to me that I don't have to take control the instant I realize it's not being done. I had to learn to exercise patience--figuratively leaving the control on the table so that he could pick it up when he was ready. That meant allowing HIM to pick the time when he was ready to assume it, not ME deciding that my timeline was gospel.
Well, Mom, this is really a tough dynamic to change, even when both parties see that the balance is off and why.
Here's my rule of thumb: I should not do/take unilateral control over things that I have no business doing alone(buying his clothes for him, buying gifts to other people for him, etc.). Things that affect me (where we're going on vacation, should we buy a new car, moving) we discuss as a team. Things that are mine stay mine.
You also need to find ways to keep him involved in the decisions when you are the primary contact (like finances). If you are doing all the finances, it is your job to tell him where the money is going, the status of your investments and any financial planning for major purchases. Hold them regularly and ask for his help with budgeting.
Everyone here will have a different solution to the financial stuff. Mr. Wonderful and I are separated and have separated out our money. He is in charge of his accounts (and because we are married, I am the beneficiary) and I have the joint account we operated from before he left (nothing has changed).
When he comes home, we will never combine finances again. It worked well--don't misundertand me. But I want us both to feel like we're bringing value into our family. Neither one of us is materialistic or spendthrifts, so this will work for us. We will both meet obligations that we are expected to meet and the extra is ours to do as we will.
Neither one of us wants to be in the position and put the other in the position of having to justify our purchases or make the other feel guilty for spending money. Does this make sense?
I realize that this setup won't work for everyone... so you have to do what you need to do.
However, I will stress the importance of making sure that both of you know what the other one is doing and agree that it's how you want it. And that division of labor should be equitable in each other's eyes.
So take a look at the list of controlling behaviors on Karen's threads and see what you need to work on. If you check off more than a couple, consider the list your warning bell that things have to change.
I'm going to state one more time some valuable advice I've received here (in spades), in MC and in my reading materials: the man is the head of the household and the woman is the heart of the household.
There is world order in that concept, and I finally understand the difference. I'm a very independent woman who believes in equality for all. However, as Mr. W. told me on his way out the door, "You can do it all anyway, so what do you need me around for?"
Be careful so that you don't become the person I became.
Feel free to butt in here anytime you like... the lessons seem to be ongoing and repetitive, but good reminders.
Take care,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
