Interesting exchange in this thread. It's somewhat caused me to question things the last few days and I may or may not do a small letter or comment such as yours in the future just because I'm not sure if I really have stated it clearly from a place of strength. I also don't think I have said "won't live in an open M, OM" talk. But to my W it's not about OM, she left me and then tried to go after OM so maybe I don't need to say anything further. She didnt decide she wanted a D until she told him she had strong feelings for him, so it still was a major factor. I did tell her I felt it was cheating, and a friend has told her it was even if she won't admit it to herself, so I guess I'm done talking about OM with her.
I feel like my W might be in the same boat someday though, too stubborn to admit wrongs if she even had those feelings and may not think I could even forgive her. Part of me wants to at least get the thought planted it MIGHT be possible to make the M work, but depends on the effort out in.
I guess to me it's just all conflicting. We give our WAS/WW a letter like this telling them we are still willing to work on the M. To me it seems like we keep temp checking over and over,if we told them in the beginning once something like "divorce is not what I want but will not stand in your way" why would we continue to say it. To me it would just look (to the WAS) like we are standing in their way. We can't accept it's happening and have to keep reminding them were still here waiting for them to come back and work on things. How can they experience our loss if we keep reminding them we will be here to fix it at the end no matter what. A letter like this would have been great in the beginning but I feel sometimes we want to continue to say things we should have or already have said to them.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
This is in response to an email she sent to me so I have to reply. I agree with what you are saying. I also think that that I need to make sure she understands my position hasn't changed. Yes, I've already said all of these things to her so why does she keep labouring the same points? I told her 6 weeks ago that I would not stand in her way. I've said several times about selling and moving on. So why, from her point of view does she need one more clarification?
I think this is more about her than me.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I understand you have to reply,I'm just more wondering in general where does the line go from saying "this isn't what I want,but I won't stand in your way" to just doing the actions to show you aren't standing in the way. Not saying you shouldn't send the letter I'm just trying to figure out in my own mind why we have this urge to tell them because it seems to come from a place of pursuit and holding on.
My own sitch and strategy is evolving and I think I'm mostly where I want to be, but I see others threads and think "damn, that looks like a good idea" so I'm trying to understand why I like it.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
It's simple for me. My mind has not changed. The path is clear should she want to return to the M. Failing that we split.
You see, I believe that the latest email, like all others and the conversations are all about her wanting two things. First, she wants me to be 'all in' on the split. It validates her decisions. She has even said to me in the past that I couldn't have been happy during our M. So no, I'm not going to do that for her.
Second, by attempting to pin me down and force me to say to sell the house she has offset the guilt onto me. It's NDY's fault we had to move. NDY is the reason we lost our dream home etc etc.
Neither of these things are true. I was happy during my M and I do not want to sell and move. As she is the one that wants the D to happen then so be it. I at least can say one last time I know what I stand for.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
We've been to the mediators but there function is to facilitate the separation.
Is this a private or public service? It sounds like they were more legal facilitators than relationship counselors? I was thinking about a counselor that can help you navigate the situation you are in right now - where you want to have a time-out and work to see if you can save your marriage, and she wants to continue her affair and divorce. It's going to be filled with conflict, and I would probably have sent a message that asked her to see someone who can help you navigate these two different stances. If you can find a MC who is familiar with DB, it could perhaps be a beam of light through the fog...
I walked into counseling with an H who was negative to counselors in general, just went because I wanted to, spent the first several sessions spewing old resentment at me, and then started talking about how 'intuitive' the counselor was, stopped for the most part complaining, and became more and more positive with each session. And our MC is not giving him an easy time!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Is this a private or public service? It sounds like they were more legal facilitators than relationship counselors?
Yes, they are a public service that's job is to facilitate the separation.
Unfortunately there is no persuading WW to go to MC. She's simply not interested and I haven't got a clue on how to persuade her that it's for the best. TBH if I were to mention it to her she would no doubt go nuts.
Last edited by NDY; 06/09/1502:07 PM.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Even if she agreed to go to MC I don't see it helping. Shes just too checked out to take it seriously, even if it was just about communication for the kids. She would be on the defense about it being some covert ploy to make the M work.
If you want to do the letter I say go for it also, just understand its purpose. You state your position from a healthy place, no need to do it again after this. You have to let go from this point on and let things play out how ever they play out. You planted the thought in her head on your position, it may never lead to anything but its done.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Your second draft is better. It needs more tweaking and additions. Right now, I need to dash off. Will be back later this afternoon...around 9 pm your time. This isn't an emergency. You want to be deliberate and thoughtful in this process.
Even if she agreed to go to MC I don't see it helping. Shes just too checked out to take it seriously, even if it was just about communication for the kids. She would be on the defense about it being some covert ploy to make the M work.
I wasn't suggesting that we do this. It was never on her agenda anyway.
Quote:
If you want to do the letter I say go for it also, just understand its purpose. You state your position from a healthy place, no need to do it again after this. You have to let go from this point on and let things play out how ever they play out. You planted the thought in her head on your position, it may never lead to anything but its done.
Yes, this is the last time I go over this subject with her again. I'm not procrastinating any more. I was detaching quite nicely so I don't feel the need to continually go over old ground.
Anyway, email send. Expect a spew fest.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
