the knowledge of knowing this is seriously starting to get to me. I almost would rather get it so at least the fear is gone and i can deal with what the next step will be... I see now i was 'waiting for the right time' and there never will be. I am also over the initial shock so i can carry a conversation about it not and stay solid... i hope im not supposed to keep this secret forever
No, you don't have to keep it secret, but you are not digesting everything. You still have it in your head that confronting her is a fix. You seriously believe it will end your fear?! It has just begun, plus more problems, at the point of confrontation. You have to have a plan other than just telling her you know about the A. For example, what will be your next move once you tell her you know and she says, "I want a divorce!" What will you do when she demands to know how you found out?
Here's what will happen. She will lie, deny it, and continue with the A. She will admit it, lie to you about ending it, and continue the A. You just have to be prepared to go further, and as of right now, I don't think you are.
Are you ready to stand up to her and tell her that she can pack her things or you'll pack them for her? I don't think so. She controls you. You can't even wait her out four days of dirty dishes, so what makes you think you are ready for the hard stuff? She has you doing all the chores, and you try to excuse it by saying it's really no big deal. No, you aren't ready.
Before worrying about how to approach her with confrontation, you need to be prepared to let her go. You aren't. You just want to hit the magic button to stop your pain and get back to normal again.
As for the MC while she's in an A..........forget it. You hate not to go since she finally agreed? Sounds whipped to me.
The time will come to confront, so get ready. The dynamics of the relationship must change, and it starts with you. You need to emotionally and mentally detach from her and what she does, says, or thinks. Otherwise, you are sunk before you even start.
I am on your side, but there is no way you can handle what comes next, if you can't handle this much. You cannot go blindly into a confrontation and think it will help things. You may experience a very temporary feeling of relief, especially when she lies and has a 2-3 hr. R talk, and you think things are being worked out. Then you will discover she has taken the A deeper and covering her tracks better.
as for the chores, i guess i need some clarity here. I was severely lacking there, i have apologized for that and obviously improved since then. One of the rules is never take back your hard earned changes, so wouldn't be purposely avoiding doing these be considered taking that back? I guess that where im confused... Its not that i cant wait her out, i guess i worded that poorly, but its i think rationally and think, why should i if this is something im trying to show i have improved myself with. Does that make sense?
It's about consistency in your actions. You can't say "I'm changed, I do dishes now." Then wait 4 days to see if she will do them. Then do them out of guilt? Disgust? Whatever. Doesn't matter.
I'm not saying you should do all the chores. But I am saying that you need to be consistent in what you do. Otherwise, how can she believe any of the other changes?
