Don't Look Back 1

[Maybell]

Sunny, I think that last thing is one of the perils of dating now that we didn't have when we were last out there. It means he's interested and wants to show you but he's heavy-handed and awkward. But I get what you say about the education, etc.

I've been pondering that a little bit. Would I date a guy in a different place socially than I've become accustomed to? Part of me sees a LOT of appeal in that. I feel like part of what's wrong with STBX is kind of endemic to that ambitious executive sort of guy, and that reaching for that again is just going to get me more of the same. On the other hand, why not reach?

These are all academic wonderings because the fact is I don't want the responsibility of another person right now. I'm not spending nearly enough time with my friends who I KNOW love me and are right for me. And I find a certain reticence in myself with them that I'd like to heal before I jump into something else again.

That said... STBX has a cousin who got divorced very abruptly two years ago when her XH went off the deep end. Nobody ever liked him but he went off the deep end in a really scary way and I think he broke her heart. And now... she's engaged! I wish her all the best. She looks happy (you know, on Facebook), and I'm seeing a side of her there that most people probably thought XH had killed dead and buried.

For myself, I'm trying to remember that if I walk the path where my best self shows, then eventually it will match up to the best self of someone who is a good partner to me. I am interested in the abstract question, who will I end up with, kind of the way I was interested in it when I was twelve, but with far less urgency.

And for pete's sake, if he can make my sex drive come back I'll love him forever. Putting out for STBX after learning about the affair has ruined that part of my life for the moment.