Thanks for the draft response. I am going to repost W's message and put yours below it so we can dissect it together, okay?
It is perfectly understandable that you do not want a D. No one wants a D here in DB forums.
W's Original Email
Hi
I don’t feel that things are great in the house right now and it is probably going to get worse before it gets better. We need to have a chat around our next steps regarding the house.
Can you please confirm that you are still of a mind of not accepting a settlement so that you can go and buy somewhere of your own? If this is the case, then we need to discuss selling the house and speaking to S9 about this. I would rather do this soon so that we can start making the necessary arrangements.
I don’t think it is healthy for any of us to continue as we are with no agreed way forward or timeline. If you could have a think of what you feel is the best way forward for S9 and also for us, to try and ensure we have a continuing productive relationship in the future. Please let me know your thoughts on this when you get a chance.
NDY's First Draft
Dear WW
I agree that things at home aren't healthy and that we do need to move this along. Why move things along? Why are you facilitating it when you really don't want a D? If I were you, I'd strike out this portion. I don't agree however that separation/divorce is the right answer nor in any way the “best way forward” for S9.
When I moved back I did this under the premise that I “didn't care” what you did. I was not honest with you. I do care. Your affair is by far the most sole crushing, hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me and by extension S9 as well. I'd re-work this whole section.
If you were honest with yourself you would admit that the best chance any child has it to have both parents together loving the child as well as each other. There is no doubt that children of divorced parents do not fair as well as children from a loving family. LECTURING. Careful here.
I get that I made mistakes, I've not always been the best at caring for my M or S. I'm just pointing out that, if S9's well being is your main focus then you should be thinking that his best option is for his parents to have a healthy loving relationship. I hope you can start to forgive me for my part in this in the same way I will work on forgiving you for what has been the most hurtful thing that has ever happened to me.
Keep in mind that W is in an active affair with OM. She is in no mood or place to listen to your faults because her scorecard is very, very looooong. You don't want to "remind" her of your faults!! Don't add fuel to the fire.
Bottom line, if you truly have S9's best interests at heart you will end the A and we can both commit to working on our M and that means both of us. Think about it. When you ended our M neither S9 nor I got a vote. If we had a vote now what do you think the outcome would be? Bad move. She isn't interested in working on the M as long as the OM is in the picture. Talk is cheap. You'd be more effective through ACTIONS. The focus should be on YOU and your 180s. No more empty promises of "working on the M" when you've neglected it for soooo long.
So I thought you should know how I really feel here. I believe we can be great again. I know you don't believe that. You don't need to argue nor snipe at me to let me know that to you this is over. I understand. But I also know that feelings aren't the truth. You more than anyone know that feelings change and they will change again. I just hope that you understand that just because you FEEL right now that we are done doesn't mean that we are. You're treading into dangerous waters by telling W how she is supposed to feel or not to feel. STFU.
You have to understand that no matter what has happened in our recent past, I am the only man that can love you this way and is willing, even in this horrible situation to still forgive and give you a chance at your family even in the face of such indignant betrayal. Don't throw this away on a feeling. S9 and I are your history, your future and your family. You can continue down this destructive course if you wish, Im not your keeper but your husband. You can reject this if you wish. That is your choice but this isn't just about you. Guilt. Guilt!!! Stop with those guilt-inducing words. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel desperation oozing from the letter. If I were you, I'd whittle it down to 2 to 3 paragraphs at tops. Say nothing about the A. You need to focus on what kind of stance you want to make here which is (are): no OM, a D isn't what you want. That is coming from a position of strength.
