SunnyB | It's me who should thank you for your openness. I'm glad that you shared your own struggle. You ask how is it that I make it look so simple. I don't have an answer, and anyway it's not that simple in real life, but here are a few thoughts that cross my mind about it.
a) I accept that some relationship might be mutually satisfactory and short term. Is this an option that you might consider or is it important that your next partner have the potential for lifelong commitment? How does that influence your assessment of them?
b) I am building confidence that I can meet and attract the woman of my dreams. My biggest hurdle would be to approach her if we ever meet, so that's what I'm working on, on all fronts: IC, reading, practice. What makes you doubt that you would meet such a person? Any internal hurdles for you?
c) How much do we know someone early on? It is possible to enter certain relationships and let them evolve over time. It is possible and common that we realize we're meant for someone after several months or years. Do you feel rushed in making a decision with this man?
d) What kind of person do we seek? On thing that DB especially has taught me is that we can't fix people. But I'm a fixer and I'm attracted to people who have issues because I want to be the Nice Guy that solves them. As I wrote before, WW had immense trust issues and I came as the white night of Loyalty to her. Some of the women I've met in the last few weeks have their own issues and I can feel myself wanting to be the right guy for them. I'm trying to step back and remember that I can't fix them, and that I should rather choose someone with the right balance. How about the shortcomings of your suitor? Are they deal breakers? Are they a problem for you or for your image with others?
e) It might look simple because I'm the beginning and not yet entangled in multiple relationships with women who think I've duped them and who react badly to my lack of commitment. Joking aside, could it be that you're afraid to hurt others or just yourself?
I'm happy to continue the conversation on this.
Thanks, Mozza. I've been away without access to a keyboard and this was more than I could manage on my phone. But I've been thinking.
a)I'd like to say that I'm OK with a relationship I know would only be short term, but at my age that seems like a waste of time. I know that most relationships aren't going to turn into anything long term, so it seems like intentionally pursuing something I know for sure wouldn't last is frivolous. Perhaps if I was getting some really great sex from it. Seriously.
b) My internal hurdle is being told by my H for years that I wasn't attractive enough, even though I have some pretty good clues from other people that I am. I know I'm smart and I'm well-read but I've been out of the business world for a long time and lack confidence there also.
c) I am definitely not in a hurry to do anything. I'm not even D yet. And I feel strongly that I need to develop some confidence in myself (see "b") before I get tangled up with another strong man.
d) I thought about your questions here quite a bit. The particular guy I was discussing before would definitely not fit in with my friends. He's nice enough, but wouldn't be able to hold his own in a conversation. He doesn't have the education, experiences, or lifestyle to fit in. Everyone would be nice, but that's not enough to truly fit in. I wonder if I were crazy in love with him if I would overlook that, and I wonder if I would regret that down the road?
e) I do not want to disappoint others, for sure. A bad trait to have when there's weeding out to be done.
During my week away, I decided what really annoys me about the guy I mentioned: he did a bit of online snooping about me, and then casually dropped those things into texts/conversations. I don't mind that he did it, it's apparently all publicly available, after all. But it's annoying to me that he thinks he knows things about me when if he had bothered to ask me those questions, he'd have found out a lot more than the answer he has. For instance, if he had asked me about where I grew up, he would have had a location and a description of the town, as well as what I liked about it and why I moved away. Instead, he has the name of a small town he couldn't even find on a map if he looked. What does that mean about him? And what does it mean about me? I don't know the answer to either of those questions.
It seems like I have come up with more questions than answers here, but I appreciate the dialog, Mozza.
Joking aside, could it be that you're afraid to hurt others or just yourself?