My husband has moved out when I approached him with the information I received & all he said that he loves me but he didn't think he was in love with me...he said that he is done done & that he wants to be alone, no one to report to and be free to do what he wants to do.
You say you want to know where to start. I'd say by giving your H his wish, Leaving him alone, with no one to report to, free to do what ever the heck he wants to.
You're going to have a real hard time detaching from him if you keep talking and texting every day. DB 101 says to give your H space and time and STFU (shut the F up). Stopping this daily communication will help you achieve some peace of mind and start to heal, as he won't be on your mind constantly. AND it will show your H, as Matt and Painter pointed out, a bit of what life would be like without you. Your H cannot feel the loss of you if you are at his beck and call via text, email and long conversations over coffee.
I suggest you set some boundaries for yourself (boundaries are meant are to protect you and not to punish your H, and must be things you can actually enforce). I was sort of a door mat in my marriage, LOL, but did have the boundary that I would not be in a physical relationship with my ex while he was in a relationship with someone else. Your H is at least in an emotional affair right now, and the physical might burst back into flames at any moment.
I'd suggest you also adopt the mindset that "you moved out, this is no longer your house buddy, no more cozy chats over coffee"
What else is going on? Have you started doing any fun GAL activities on your own? Hang in there Cindy. DBing may not save your marriage, but it's your best chance. And it WILL save you! If you stick to this process you will come out the other side whole, sane and happy, with your battered self esteem back in place, and in the best possible place for your next relationship, whether that is with your H or with someone new.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thank you so much RosaLinda, I have such a HARD time letting him go so I can do this, I don't know why, I'm usually very strong and now Im so lost and weak. I guess that Im afraid he will forget me for ever and maybe be happier without me. My mind is a hard thing to turn off. I sat down last night and tried to do my goal list .....but I couldn't even do that I am trying to apply the 180 beacause in the last 40 days since he left, I realized that I'm not giving him what he needs and nothing has changed exept that we can talk longer calmer but I still rely on him for emotional support which has to stop too. It's the hardest thing I had to do in my entire live, live completely without my best friend. I need all the help I can get.
So sorry to read your story, Cindy. We all found our way here in the same kind of shock and sadness. The advice isn't always easy to follow, but it's pretty impressive how well doing counter-intuitive things work.
Keep posting, folks will keep supporting you.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Don't worry about not feeling you are living up to your image of yourself as strong. It normal for even the strongest to take these kind of blows and have difficulties handling them.
Originally Posted By: CindySy
I sat down last night and tried to do my goal list .....but I couldn't even do that
I am trying to apply the 180 beacause in the last 40 days since he left, I realized that I'm not giving him what he needs and nothing has changed exept that we can talk longer calmer but I still rely on him for emotional support which has to stop too. It's the hardest thing I had to do in my entire live, live completely without my best friend. I need all the help I can get.
On the goals. Start with your biggest goals and then work back. Do you want your marriage to survive or not? Now, what would a happy marriage with your H look like? Start working back from there. Eventually, you'll have to get to what would be the first sign(s) that it was moving in the direction of having your H move towards dealing with your M in a way that would ultimately lead to that end goal?
Now start with what kinds of things made you happy in the past (and your marriage doesn't count this time)? Which of those things are you still doing and which have fallen by the wayside. Also, what things are you doing that make you unhappy? Do you really need to do those, especially now that you aren't in a functioning M? Now, think about which of the changes that move you towards being happy in your life regardless of whether or not your H is on board would make you happiest? What would be the signs that you had started moving in that direction.
In other words, start with the easiest, most obvious things, and let things build from there. You can also throw in what things you've always wanted to do, but haven't gotten around to it.
On the 180s, you need to know what your goals and baby-step goals are to evaluate whether or not those 180s are moving you in the direction you want. The biggest 180 you can make is to focus on yourself and moving ahead with your life rather than appearing to be on hold waiting for your H to make all the decisions and call the shots.
Good luck!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I have such a HARD time letting him go so I can do this, I don't know why, I'm usually very strong and now Im so lost and weak. I guess that Im afraid he will forget me for ever and maybe be happier without me. My mind is a hard thing to turn off.
Oh Lord Cindy, please stop being so hard on yourself. You just learned that the man you loved and trusted for 25 years betrayed that trust. Anyone would be reeling.
That's why we are all here on this forum, because the realization that our beloved spouse turned his or her back on us shook us to the core, and made us want to try to preserve our marriages. I think it takes a special kind of person to DB. A loving, loyal, determined kind of person.
I work with a bunch of divorced women, and 75% of those whose husbands cheated on them divorced them immediately, and are still bitter and miserable about it years later. They did not do the "DB" work on themselves, which to me, in essence means to look deep inside yourself, change what needs to be changed (for YOU, not to necessarily win the love of your spouse back), and to make yourself into "the woman only a fool would leave." To be the best you that you can be.
And at the same time that you are doing this work on yourself, to leave your H alone so he can try to figure out what the heck he wants out of life. What is important. If being alone and free is worth giving up 25 years of married life for. I know you are afraid he will forget you, but believe me, he will not. He cannot. In the end he may not choose you, but by then we will get you strong enough to bear that and to move on. And you will realize that you have a second chance at life, a gift most people do not get. Okay?
Originally Posted By: Cindy
I sat down last night and tried to do my goal list .....but I couldn't even do that I am trying to apply the 180 beacause in the last 40 days since he left, I realized that I'm not giving him what he needs and nothing has changed exept that we can talk longer calmer but I still rely on him for emotional support which has to stop too. It's the hardest thing I had to do in my entire live, live completely without my best friend. I need all the help I can get.
Asitis' advice about how to choose your goals, 180s and GAL activities is great. Real important. Do you have a goal or two you can share with us? And what else can we help you with? What are you doing to try to detach?
Last edited by RosaLinda; 06/08/1506:56 PM.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thank you so much RosaLinda, I have such a HARD time letting him go so I can do this, I don't know why, I'm usually very strong and now Im so lost and weak. I guess that Im afraid he will forget me for ever and maybe be happier without me. My mind is a hard thing to turn off. I sat down last night and tried to do my goal list .....but I couldn't even do that
Cindy, do your daughters know what's going on? What would you do if one of THEM came to you, in a similar situation?
Sometimes if I have a hard time knowing what I should do for *myself* I can still summon up the "Papabear" in me and more easily decide how I would counsel one of my SONS if they were to come to me with an identical issue.
I'm sorry you're hurting; I went thru this myself 8 years ago, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
RosaLinda, the only goals I wrote go from: Better/More intimacy Socializing more Comunication more deeply
To: I would like him home for x-mas I would like to be able to go for dinner even if still separated I would like to be able to do fun things together-go to the movie or fishing even if still separated. I would like for him to call/text me to chat about our day not just a good day or goodnight.
What I am doing to detach is at the moment is not texting him or calling him first & keep replies short & to the point.
Thank you all for all the help, I really appreciate it.
Starsky309, yes my daughters know what is going on but it's a hard time for them as their father was preaching to find a good & honest man that will respect them & then he does this, so at the moment it is very touchy !! Not easy
