The final push

[NDY]

Hi wonka, thanks for the continuing interest. Trying to keep this sussinct and 3 levels of quoting is impossible to read so hope this makes sense.

In what ways did you think she rode over "that one"...can you please give us some more detail as this is a bit vague.

When I first gave the no OM boundry speach I was a blubbering mess so wasn't coming across as strong. At that time she has (by her admission) only been 'kissing' him. After the speach and fast forward a couple of weeks she happily admited she was sleeping with him. That's the day I left.

I am wondering if you're confusing LRT with being cold/jerk or brusque with W. Have you done something like this with W in the past? Many times I've seen posters seethe with anger and it comes out as being short, abrupt, and cold to the WAS.

If you knew the WW and I then you would realise what I mean. We are both very animated and chatty. Pre BD you would be lucky to get a word in edgeways. Now, keeping back and only responding when spoken to, albeit cordial and upbeat DOES come across as being short, abrupt and cold. It's just not our nature to be like that when happy.

How bad is "bad"?? What do you mean by this? Can you do a brief recap of this comment?

She can't look at me, talk to me. She is mostly angry all the time and every little thing that goes wrong in this house is down to me. I try to keep my distance and walk away from the spew.

I've seen the "no OM" boundary speech work effectively if paired with quiet strength that takes no chit from the wayward wife. Have you read up on Sandi's threads about the WAW for LBHs? There's a ton of gold right in there.

Yes, I've read Sandi2's threads on the WW several times. I'm trying to be strong with her, show her I'm no pushover (but not in a bullying or controlling way) but so far this has yeilded very little in the way of results.

Posters often confuse being distant with detachment. It's not the case when DBing. Being distant and detaching is a dangerous mix. You want to be coridal, polite and BE detached...this is achieved through GALing which takes the focus off of your sitch.

Yes, I get this but like I said upthread this isn't our nature when circumstances are different. You see, when I'm open and talkative, she responds well. But this doesn't sit with LRT (getting friend zoned). So I back off and so does she. It's a contradiction that I don't have an answer to. I would like there to be a time when we do start to open up to each other but finding that path is difficult.

[NDY]

Ok, so just caught up on GB's other posts to me.

I recon he is right. I agree with just about everything he says. This is a bad decision on her part. The path won't be easy. It is ok to point out that she's hindering my sons chances of a bright future.

And no, sitting on that beach in Cancun (I've been there) in my rented tux waiting for her to come back? Nah. Affirmative action.

Look, cadet said earlier about settling with WW and moving house. That affects all 3 of us. If that happens, and it's a real possibility then that will have a severe impact on all of our lives. If, and it's a big if, there is a chance of avoiding that why not take it?

So far I've tried to follow the DB principles to the letter (yea, I fell of the horse a few times) but I don't think GB's approach in any way contradicts the ethos of DB.

I'll need to tone down the religious parts, that won't work and yes, remove some of the rhetoric but I still think there needs to be one last throw of the dice. No?

[Cadet]

I'll need to tone down the religious parts, that won't work and yes, remove some of the rhetoric but I still think there needs to be one last throw of the dice. No?

As long as you can do it with NO EXPECTATIONS, re-read GB editorial, he says this won't work.
However if you want to send it, OK, it lets her know one last time where you stand.

I agree it is to wordy, cut out some of the words.

[NDY]

I'll need to tone down the religious parts, that won't work and yes, remove some of the rhetoric but I still think there needs to be one last throw of the dice. No?

As long as you can do it with NO EXPECTATIONS, re-read GB editorial, he says this won't work.
However if you want to send it, OK, it lets her know one last time where you stand.

I agree it is to wordy, cut out some of the words.

Thanks cadet. Yes, no expectations. I get that. But, as I've learned there are no 'correct' ways to go about this.

So I throw the dice and I cr@p out. I'm already looking at a D so I've lost nothing. Like GB said at least she cannot say anything about how I view this. That at least cannot be cast back at me. I made my point. I stand by my M.

There will be a point in the future if she still walks away that I will be truly done. There is only so much a man can take. We all talk about moving on in here and that means different things to different people.

To me, moving on. Really moving on means I walk. Proper walk. So before I do that I'd like to see if there is yet another fork in the road.

[Wonka]

NDY,

What does "another fork" in the road mean to you? What are you thinking here?

Let's talk this out loud here a bit more.

Look, you've been DBing only 2 months. This process does take time. It isn't for the faint of the heart at all. I think when it comes to letters (or email), it MUST come from a place of strength...not desperation.

I've helped others write such letters without shaming, blaming or being punitive. A while back, Starsky and I helped Dev write one to his W. I believe Starsky either spoke or wrote such one to his W. They are now very happily reconciled.

Personally, I would not encourage you to write the letter to W. Just respond to your W's email from a standpoint of exchanging information and let it be known that it is not what you want here.

Come on...go ahead and post your draft here asap. We would be happy to work with you on the drafts.

[NDY]

P

NDY,

What does "another fork" in the road mean to you? What are you thinking here?

Let's talk this out loud here a bit more.

Look, you've been DBing only 2 months. This process does take time. It isn't for the faint of the heart at all. I think when it comes to letters (or email), it MUST come from a place of strength...not desperation.

I've helped others write such letters without shaming, blaming or being punitive. A while back, Starsky and I helped Dev write one to his W. I believe Starsky either spoke or wrote such one to his W. They are now very happily reconciled.

Personally, I would not encourage you to write the letter to W. Just respond to your W's email from a standpoint of exchanging information and let it be known that it is not what you want here.

Come on...go ahead and post your draft here asap. We would be happy to work with you on the drafts.

Hi wonka. Ok I need to get my PC booted as I'm on my phone right now.

However, I need to point out that I've been DBing since jan this year. I got the books back then. I've only just started posting here.

Another fork pretty much means is there another twist here. At the moment since nov last year there has only been one outcome. And that is a D. I don't want that.

Intrested though, do you think GB's version sounded desperate? I didn't.

[JAL]

Why a letter? Why not talk to her directly and tell her your truth?

[NDY]

Why a letter? Why not talk to her directly and tell her your truth?

Hi Jal. That right now won't work. Trust me. Talking to her is just going to mess it up more.

[NDY]

Ok Wonka et al. this is what I have so for

Dear WW

I agree that things at home aren't healthy and that we do need to move this along. I don't agree however that separation/divorce is the right answer nor in any way the “best way forward” for S9.

When I moved back I did this under the premise that I “didn't care” what you did. I was not honest with you. I do care. Your affair is by far the most sole crushing, hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me and by extension S9 as well.

If you were honest with yourself you would admit that the best chance any child has it to have both parents together loving the child as well as each other. There is no doubt that children of divorced parents do not fair as well as children from a loving family.

I get that I made mistakes, I've not always been the best at caring for my M or S. I'm just pointing out that, if S9's well being is your main focus then you should be thinking that his best option is for his parents to have a healthy loving relationship. I hope you can start to forgive me for my part in this in the same way I will work on forgiving you for what has been the most hurtful thing that has ever happened to me.

Bottom line, if you truly have S9's best interests at heart you will end the A and we can both commit to working on our M and that means both of us. Think about it. When you ended our M neither S9 nor I got a vote. If we had a vote now what do you think the outcome would be?

So I thought you should know how I really feel here. I believe we can be great again. I know you don't believe that. You don't need to argue nor snipe at me to let me know that to you this is over. I understand. But I also know that feelings aren't the truth. You more than anyone know that feelings change and they will change again. I just hope that you understand that just because you FEEL right now that we are done doesn't mean that we are.

You have to understand that no matter what has happened in our recent past, I am the only man that can love you this way and is willing, even in this horrible situation to still forgive and give you a chance at your family even in the face of such indignant betrayal. Don't throw this away on a feeling. S9 and I are your history, your future and your family. You can continue down this destructive course if you wish, Im not your keeper but your husband. You can reject this if you wish. That is your choice but this isn't just about you.

[Cadet]

Intrested though, do you think GB's version sounded desperate? I didn't.

Not desparate however not from a place of strength.