It all boils down to this. Wife wants another life now, and resents me being in the picture and protecting myself. Who wants to "call the shots here?" Me trying to hang onto my marriage and family and making it worse. She claims that the only way for us to hold onto any shred of our relationship is to mediate and not use lawyers.
I have to stop the voice in my head saying that I am the victim here, I just have to be woman enough to accept reality. Reality is a b*tch but it slaps you in the face.
Nothing has changed from Day 1 - W wants her AP and me and kids to play along. I seriously don't see how that will ever happen. She hates it that I won't play happy family and hates that I have "carved her" from her life. Any weakness she sees in me, it repulses her and she uses it against me.
She is resolute in her belief that the AP had nothing to do with the ending of our marriage. She is free to believe her narrative.
I am tired of fighting all of this. I accept it and now I just have to pick up the pieces which I have been slowly doing. Life is not fair or just, it just is and all we can do is accept it for what it is, a gift that we get one day at a time. We have to keep moving and not let the world pass us by.
It makes me feel sick to think that I have been trying to manipulate her back into this marriage and yes, I accept responsibility for this. I see that now and can image how awful that must have felt for her. I will not do that in the future.
I saw the opera Carmen over the weekend and the theme song is in French and is translated into:
"Love is a rebellious bird that nobody can tame, and you call him quite in vain if it suits him not to come. Nothing helps, neither threat nor prayer."
It made me cry and was so appropriate for the moment I was in.
