Last year this behavior began bothering me so I withdrew from her. Fast forward to 9/2013 after she returned from a work trip, I didn't welcome her home with open arms
This pattern of behavior no doubt contributed to her love for you withering. At this point it sounds like your W is a full-blown WAS. Read DR and start working on the exercises. Make a list of things you did wrong in the marriage and a list of what 180's you are going to do. Your W will NEVER come back to the old marriage, it's dead and gone. Through DB'ing you have to change YOU and then perhaps your W will be attracted back to start working on a new R.
Quote:
However, fast forward to now and the W has become emotionally disconnected, not to just me but our D as well. We have had many conversations about this
Stop having convo's about it. You're just putting pressure on her at a time that she wants NO pressure.
Quote:
I have read Sandi's tips but they seem to apply to those who are on the verge of D, we have only discussed separation.
Incorrect, Sandi's rules apply to all WAS's/ LBS's. The rules are all about removing pressure from the WAS so that they don't feel inclined to rush into S or D. After reading your posts I do feel quite strongly that you need Sandi's rules desperately. Read DR too, the advice here won't make sense until you read the book. These forums are to support MWD's concepts, if you don't know the concepts the forums won't help you much.
I had actually visited this forum over a year ago looking for advice concerning my W but quit because I felt as if I was over thinking everything. However, little over a year later and I am beginning to rationalize that it is time to end the marriage or at least set some expectations for it to continue.
Long story short....3-4 years ago W began becoming distant, spending a lot of time away from the home, etc... Denied affair and I could never find any evidence. We had a number of relationship talks during this time. One point W moved out for 6 weeks. Moved back in and indicated that she was committed to us and that I was her "everything". I feel like she is all talk and no action and it has caused me to think about life on my own.
The only reason I haven't done anything before now is because of fears listed below...
1. If I set hard guidelines, then she will leave as once before. 2. She will find someone who makes her happy and I fear of having jealously feelings thinking that it should be me leading me into depression. 3. We have a great sex life. I fear that I will not find someone who satisfies me and again, she will share this with someone else and it just seems unfair.
I plan on having a sit down talk with her in two weeks. I have been writing in a journal now for a few weeks so that I can keep my thoughts together and really understand where I am coming from.
Any help/support/advice would be greatly appreciated.
Me: 40 W: 39 D: 16 S: 21 R: 20 Years (married 18) 9/2013 W indicated that she wanted to leave.
For whatever reason upon logging back in after being gone for over a year I couldn't find my previous thread which is why I made the above post....I'm glad that someone merged them together...
Me: 40 W: 39 D: 16 S: 21 R: 20 Years (married 18) 9/2013 W indicated that she wanted to leave.
I hope you will stick with the DB board. I noticed the last time that you started several new threads. I think staying on one thread (up to 100 posts) may serve better.
Quote:
I had actually visited this forum over a year ago looking for advice concerning my W but quit because I felt as if I was over thinking everything. However, little over a year later and I am beginning to rationalize that it is time to end the marriage or at least set some expectations for it to continue.
The only reason I haven't done anything before now is because of fears listed below... 1. If I set hard guidelines, then she will leave as once before. 2. She will find someone who makes her happy and I fear of having jealously feelings thinking that it should be me leading me into depression. 3. We have a great sex life. I fear that I will not find someone who satisfies me and again, she will share this with someone else and it just seems unfair.
What were the hard guidelines you set that you feel caused her to leave? How did you react to her leaving? What caused her to decide to return?
If your W is wayward, the only thing that will work in your favor are hard guidelines. She has to respect you before she can have the right mindset toward you and the M.
You cannot hold on to her out of fear. She senses it, and she is not attracted to a man who fears what she may do. She sees your fear as a weakness.....which is a major turn-off for a WW. She will also use your fear as means to manipulate.
In order to have any success you must lose the fear of her leaving. The M has already died, or you would not be here the second time. Did you ever read the book? Have you read Cadet's link assignments?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes...as I stated earlier, I was on the board and then felt as if I was over thinking everything I was doing so I drifted away from the forum and wanted to tackle it on my own. I got the book and did the 180's, GAL, etc...
To expand on why I posted today...although I wasn't fully happy, I was seeing small victories doing the above. Then one day (September 14) I bought her a card to express how I felt. That night I got the "I love you but not in love with you" comment and "it's not you, it's me". She then moved out that night and was out of the house for 6 weeks. We kept in contact and went on some dates during this time. After the 6 week she moved back in. Things were not perfect and I feel that I still tolerated the relationship because I was glad to have her back.
Not a whole lot changed until the holidays. She gave me a gift with messages that she was committed to our relationship and I was her "everything". This made me in a sense "reset" how I was feeling about the relationship. But, I feel that with her behavior in the last couple of years and leaving for 6 weeks, my tolerance has diminished. She isn't has bad as once was but still not putting forth much effort in the relationship, other than text messages. So as I have gotten older, I am beginning to question whether I want to do a final push or just terminate the marriage and as I mentioned before, the fears I am having is why I haven't proceeded. What she says to me does not seem to match her actions and when I am upset or question what she does, it seems to fall on deaf ears.
With all of that being said, I have never given any hard guidelines which I think is why I have let it go on for so long. When I talk to her in a couple of weeks, I will have a list of guidelines to give her.
Me: 40 W: 39 D: 16 S: 21 R: 20 Years (married 18) 9/2013 W indicated that she wanted to leave.
1. If I set hard guidelines, then she will leave as once before.
What were the hard guidelines you set that you feel caused her to leave? How did you react to her leaving? What caused her to decide to return?
Originally Posted By: bjudge
I have never given any hard guidelines which I think is why I have let it go on for so long. When I talk to her in a couple of weeks, I will have a list of guidelines to give her.
Originally Posted By: bjudge
Does anyone have any suggestions on what guidelines to set? Also, any advice on how to overcome the fears I mentioned in an earlier post?
What makes you think you need to give her guidelines?
It seems to me that when you pull back then she pursues and when you pursues then she pulls back
Read the pursuit and distance thread in the homework.
I think that you will need to have boundaries to ever reconcile however I would not worry about that just yet.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for the info... I have been reading through the posts.
I had read earlier that guidelines were needed to be set for a WW but I am unsure how to go about doing that. However, if it isn't the time for that, then I will focus more time on the homework threads.
What am I doing for myself? Unfortunately I am spending way too much time thinking about it, but I have been scheduling more things that I like to do, even if it is by myself.
Me: 40 W: 39 D: 16 S: 21 R: 20 Years (married 18) 9/2013 W indicated that she wanted to leave.
