Letting Go Part VI

[DJin]

And I do not think you should get rid of your lawyer. I'd like to see you keep the lawyer AND find out what yer W is willing to sign over to you for free. That's what I'd wish for you.

A toddler throwing a tantrum on the floor or a rebellious teening yelling at her parents aren't really in a state to know WHAT they want. As adults, we know to ignore nearly all of that.

She's not acting like a person who wants to divorce and be rid of you. And, even if that is what either of you want, it's not an option since you have kids together. And someday you will have sons and daughters in law together. And grandchildren together.

The decisions of today have consequences that may reach long after the anger and hurts of today have subsided.

If you had a chance to talk to your teenage self about things that worried you or angered you or hurt you at the time...wouldn't you focus on things like perspective and don't worry things get better and this too shall pass and who cares what that other person did just let go of it....

Have you read Michelle's article, "He's Teething"? It talks about how we excuse some behavior from adults and kids in difficult times. Would you want your W to excuse some bad temperedness from you if you were say, going through cancer treatments? Or healing from a tragic loss of someone close to you? You'd hope for a little latitude, yes?

What if this is all our spouses need right now? What if they need space to cry out their tantrum and when it's all over and they are thinking clearly again they find that we didn't put them up for adoption and turn their bedroom into a home gym....no, instead they find us waiting with milk and cookies to hear whatever they have to say.

Is that the behavior they deserve? Nope. But we forgive toddlers their tantrums. We forgive teenagers their moodswings. We allow them to grow out of those and we move on.

Can we detach enough to allow our spouses their space to tantrum and work through their mood swings and grow out of their selfishness and weirdness but stay close enough that when they are done we still have milk and cookies ready? I think we can.

It may bring you great peace to create 1-3 short term, action oriented goals, using Michelle's model for goal setting, to be completed in the next 1-2 weeks. I see you have been working very hard on personal goals for you. But you can also make goals for the relationship....a Wish List for the next 1-2 weeks. What would be nice to have happen by then?

My thots on all the texts also are to make sure your boundary is not a punishment. A healthy boundary is to say, "Let's not try to solve problems when we're upset and swearing and accusing. Let's talk again when we're both calm." A punishment is, "We will only text when I choose and you'll be sorry if you keep trying to get me to text you back at other times."

An inconsistent reward is the strongest behavior motivator. So, responding to angry texts inconsistently actually rewards the behavior more than anything else you could be doing. However, responding to kind texts only...and having a pat response to other texts that you repeat over and over as needed ("you seem upset. i'll discuss this with you later when we're both calm") would be more likely to result in a behavior change. Yes she'll say you're controlling her. That's standard text for setting boundaries. But, if you cross into punishment, then her accusation becomes true.

Your short term goal there might be to make every text message free of name calling, accusations or swearing (for both of you). I recommend making the goal concrete and measureable so you'll know easily if she's met the goal or not. It's easy for us to stay angry at someone even if they ARE doing the exact thing we asked them to do.

These are good skills for your relationship whether you share a household or just share children. You'll need these skills for ANY relationship you are in. Why not learn them now for this one?