Letting Go Part VI

[DJin]

I wanted to make a separate comment on a different topic in your above posts. Sorry there's so much from me this morning, I was out of town the last three days so I'm catching up.

I very much believe that right now you ARE giving 100% to this process. I agree. You have sacrificed much and endured much emotional pain. I think you've done an amazing job keeping your sanity, your life and your children's lives together in a very difficult situation.

But, I wonder if your efforts are not going in the right direction.

Of course, whatever you choose for your family needs to be your prayerful decision. I do not suppose to know your situation well enough to criticize.

This is only a hypothesis. And only because my heart hurts for you and I want you to have what you want to have. If I understand properly, you want two people who love and respect each other to raise your children together in love and respect. I think that is a very worthy goal worth fighting for.

So, here is my hypothesis: I see you pulling and pulling and pulling on a door handle.....you are giving ALL of your strength to it. You WANT to open the door. No one doubts it. You are straining and sweating and about to keel over from the effort of pulling on the door to get it open. And still it does not open, despite all your sacrifice.

And it's because it's the kind of door you push to open, not pull.

The way I read it, Divorce Busting isn't about winning or getting what we deserve to get or teaching someone a lesson. And of course we are ALL tempted to do those things often in our relationships. It's totally natural and human to act that way.

But, for our children, do we rise above our baser "instincts" and become something more fair, more divine, more forgiving....giving to others more than they deserve...again and again....because WE deserve the benefits of living a life of forgiveness and charity. And because our kids deserve to see us doing it.

I do not mean this in any way as a criticism. You are hurting enough. If I've said anything rude or hurtful, please call me out so I may grovel about it and make it right. I have no desire to increase your pain at this time. But, an advantage of a board like this is the distance strangers have to look at a situation more objectively. I've read your story all in a row and it allows me to see patterns and matrices that you could easily miss being so close to the day to day action.

Instead of working so hard at a fair divorce, perhaps you would be happier and work less hard to pour your efforts into the relationship. Push instead of pulling and the door may open easily.

Where are the small, short term, action oriented goals suggested in Divorce Busting? Even if you end up divorced, these small goals can be a help to co-parenting after divorce. At the very least, you can cleanly look your children in the face on the Christmas eves when they want to stay with you and keep playing with their cousins who are visiting and instead you have to ship them off to your XW so they can spend a boring quiet evening at dinner with the XW's new wife's parents. In those times, you want NO regrets.

I wonder with your story if we can get back to Divorce Busting with short goals, accomplishable in 1-2 weeks. I read a lot of hope in your situation. I truly do. Your W is not at all indifferent.

There is no question that her A is an abysmal affront to you. I completely agree. But, don't we all do repugnant things for the sake of our children? Yes, we do.

And it is very unlikely the current circumstance of your M will be the permanent circumstance. It may be a long road....the Terrible Twos last until they are Four, Teenage mood swings and rebellions last 8+ years.....and an mlc transition can take a LOT of time. Years.

But, in a marriage, years is not a lifetime. It's just a season.

Love and hugs.