Sweden beyond rescue it seems.

[Tulo]

Hi guys,

So it's been a hard week and I haven't felt able to put any thoughts together so anyone would be able to put them together into something that made sense.

I've been lousy at all the DB rules and detaching. On Wednesday last week, he came to me to exchange keys, and it ended up with sex.
I could have easily prevented it but when we texted back and forth about how we should meet up, I suggested that I could come to him when his S was asleep for the night but he then replied if exchanging keys was all I wanted to do because otherwise he could come by my place.

I said that he could come and we did. And he came, we had sex twice and then he gave me my key and left.
I felt great then and there =Yay, he still gets off on me and wants me =he hasn't gotten involved with anyone else.

Silly silly stupid me. A brief text at night, and then nothing. We still had stuff to exchange and yesterday I called him around noon to see if I could drop stuff of. No reply. Waited one hour, sent brief text saying "Hi there, hope all is well. Drop me a line when you get the chance".
8 hours no reply. Felt so bad and worthless.

Called him as I was on my way to friends house and he picked up. He was working on his car at his place of work. Asked if I could come, he said yes. Gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. I promise that if I'd been open to it he would have wanted sex again.

But I wasn't at all open to it. Especially as I just had found out that he had been seen at a thing in the village where he grew up the previous day with a woman and her son enjoying the fair that was on that day. I couldn't help but to feel lousy about it and ask him about it. According to him he's allowed to do what ever he wants (as he is) and that if he wants to bring someone for a day out he can.

As it turns out he had been out dancing the Friday before, same day as we had sex last, and had met another woman (my ex neighbour) and she added him on FB after and had been approaching him to go out for coffee but he hadn't replied as she was "too eager" apparently. When I said I had seen them becoming friends on FB as it showed up on my feed, he said that "so you are going through my FB now?" but retracted that and said he didn't think I did that before we said goodbye.

So, what is it I have to do? DETACH DETACH DETACH!
It feels like all hope is lost and he is so out there, and ready to move on. He said that he hadn't moved on yet but I can tell that it's just a matter of time and since he's not getting sex from me anymore he'll probably go out and get it someplace else soon.

So, question.. Would you unfriend him on FB, or does that seem weak? Considering the fact that he said that it might be easier for me to not be friends as I might not be completely him.

I also know that he has a bit of a controlling thing with FB and I'm sure that he keeps tabs on me and what I do. Maybe to cut him off, so to speak, would make him feel like I'm lost to him finally.

He said that he thought I'm amazing and that we had such an great R but he just doesn't feel anything for me anymore. And that he misses the great sex we've always had and couldn't help these last few times but that didn't mean that he had feelings for me.

[Tulo]

Sorry, this PC is just wacko..

Anyway, any thoughts on what to do now? Give up?
I don't want that, but can see that if this was a marathon before, it's a ultra run now.

Delete on FB yes/no?

Detaching is hard, but I have to do it. He is so unaware of his feelings and actions and at the moment he's just full speed ahead with something else.

Sorry, for the long post..

Hugs for you all!

[Huddy]

Dump...dump...dump!

He's using you Tulo. He's only interested in sex and that seems to be the only thing he wants to get in touch wit you about. He wouldn't treat you that way if he had caring feelings for you.

Sorry, but it's a no brainer for me - he has to go. He's getting involved with other women (several) and isn't hiding it. He sounds like a rat, smells like a rat, therefore he is a rat. If he's doing this to you, who else is he doing it to.

Last thing, get a sexual health check up.

[Zues126]

Anyway, any thoughts on what to do now? Give up?
I don't want that, but can see that if this was a marathon before, it's a ultra run now.
Delete on FB yes/no?

Tulo, I can understand how you would feel very used, and that you've had a major set back that might even indicate it's time to 'give up'.

I'm never sure what that means. Does give up mean having a rebound R with someone else? Vowing into the sky that no matter what you'll never R with H at this point and doing something to burn a bridge? Diagnosing your H as the one with the problems and no longer working on yourself? I don't really support any of that. But if giving up means letting go of your M and detaching from your H, working on yourself, and building a new life, well then yes, give up!

Personally I would remove myself from his FB. I'm not on social media so I don't know all the rules. It really doesn't matter what he thinks about why you removed yourself. It's for you, not him.

Tulo, you're extremely early in your sitch. You did nothing here that wasn't pretty normal, you only feel this way because you haven't been able to detach and were hoping this would fall back together. This really is a marathon. But I'm telling you, sometimes you have to get burned like this to realize you have to detach. Don't be hard on yourself for the backslides, just make sure you set good boundaries going forward so you don't devalue yourself or enable his lifestyle going forward.

PS- I'm not crazy about the last post blasting your H. He is in pain and someone that he has a lot of feelings for (despite what he says) is willing to ML to him and comfort him. Yeah, this happens all the time. It's possible he didn't reply the next day because he realized it was a bad idea and you had different feelings and he didn't want to hurt you worse. But this is just as much on you for having boundaries, etc. Again, standard misunderstanding, so not a reason to think your H could never be M material.

Detaching is hard, but I have to do it. He is so unaware of his feelings and actions and at the moment he's just full speed ahead with something else.

Yes. You really do. You've been white knuckled with the rope. You determine whether it will be an ultra marathon. Maybe some good set backs are what you need to realize it doesn't work. But it doesn't happen automatically. Some people are still extremely attached to their WAS decades later.

Don't worry about your H's feelings. They aren't wrong. You just don't like the decision he's made based on those feelings. But in addition to detaching, working on yourself is really the key. And since you two were so interwoven, his feelings are the clues you need to become the best person you can.

[Georgiabelle]

Tulo,

I'm not sure if I'm fully up-to-date on your sitch, but I do recall reading your initial thread. For what it's worth, here is my 2 cents.......

No one can tell you what is best for you in regards to your physical encounters with your x bf. However, if you are left wanting more, hurt, or feeling slighted, then I'm sure you know that you should probably stop engaging physically with him. Also, don't be so sure he isn't getting it somewhere else. I don't say that to be hurtful, however it's a fact. He may say x, y or z and the reality is that he may be lying. And IF he is getting it somewhere else, he may still want to see if he can get with you as well. It's not necessarily an absolute of one or the other.

I *think* if you end the physical encounters, then you can start to heal a bit. It's not necessary to make any grand proclamations-rather just do what is best for you. I would also suggest that you stop inquiring about who he is becoming friends with, dating, etc. Honestly, you aren't together so it really isn't your concern. And that goes for your personal interests aren't his concern either. You can be cordial and pleasant, but you will only hurt yourself trying to figure out if he is or is not hooking up with other people. Others may disagree, but I suggest that you just assume he is or will be. Again, he says he doesn't want to be in a R with you. As we all know that could change, however, right now is what you are dealing with and the focus should be on Tulo's well being. Because you sound like a pretty awesome lady!

In regards to FB, well I have many past posts about what transpired on SM in my sitch. I suggest you do what feels best for you. Maybe you just hide his updates and don't unfriend. If you are *expecting* a certain reaction from him, then you will be disappointed IMHO. Because regardless of what he says or does, the end result won't be what you are looking for at this time.

Hang in there. It does get better:)

[Matt777]

Hey Tulo -

As Zues said, what exactly does "giving up" look like?

The real kicker with this DB stuff is that no matter what, to move on from this in a healthy manner, you need to go through the same steps anyway.

So I'd recommend to detach emotionally as you can. Then move forward with how you want to live without focusing on him or R. If you want to burn the bridge behind you as Huddy suggested, fine... But I think you move forward with YOU. When he is interested in R, then you can deal with all the "stuff" going on now.

[Tulo]

Dump...dump...dump!

He's using you Tulo.

Sorry, but it's a no brainer for me - he has to go.

Last thing, get a sexual health check up.

Hi Huddy,

Thanks for your response. I have unfriended him and I am getting a check up. I really don't think (don't want to think) that he has been with anyone sexually yet, he said he hadn't but I won't take his word for it but will take a test.

I'm just so hurt. Can't believe that it has come to this. All these summer evenings that I will be without him. Even if he is a rat, he wasn't before and I just wish I could have it all back. But as it stands, I can't and I need to detach my ass off.

Going for a run, will check your tread as I get back.
All my best Huddy!
Hug

[Tulo]

Will go for a run, my anxt is a mess and I neeeeed it!

Will reply to you all who have been so sweet as to give your thoughts as soon as I'm back!

Until then HUGS and THANKS!

[Huddy]

Hi Tulo

Hope I didn't sound harsh, but if he's been seen with other women and children that doesn't look good.

Have a great run!

[Tulo]

Does give up mean having a rebound R with someone else? Vowing into the sky that no matter what you'll never R with H at this point and doing something to burn a bridge? Diagnosing your H as the one with the problems and no longer working on yourself? I don't really support any of that. But if giving up means letting go of your M and detaching from your H, working on yourself, and building a new life, well then yes, give up!

No, nothing like the first options but more of the last. Give up on getting through to him at this point and hope that space and time will work in my favour and he'll start thinking of what he/we lost and maybe want to reconnect.

I will work on myself during this time and hopefully find my balance in the world once again. It's just so hard but at this stage I don't seem to have much of a choice.

Personally I would remove myself from his FB.

I did this and I have decided not to post on Instagram for a month or so. I know he keeps tabs on me in social media and to tell you the truth I want him to wonder where I went.. A little bit of NC in play. Do you think it's a good strategy?

Tulo, you're extremely early in your sitch. This really is a marathon. But I'm telling you, sometimes you have to get burned like this to realize you have to detach. Don't be hard on yourself for the backslides, just make sure you set good boundaries going forward so you don't devalue yourself or enable his lifestyle going forward.

I know, I can't go on meeting up having sex. It's just so odd to me how we can have such a strong connection and we both agree that we have fun and amazing times when we do other stuff, and still he doesn't want to see if we can find our way back. So sad to me.

He doesn't seem aware of WHY his feelings changed, he said he just doesn't know why. He said that he thought a lot about me and why things had ended up this way but still he doesn't have any answer as to why. Do you think it's out of the question, that with time and space he will start to miss me and what we had?

PS- I'm not crazy about the last post blasting your H. He is in pain and someone that he has a lot of feelings for (despite what he says) is willing to ML to him and comfort him. Yeah, this happens all the time. It's possible he didn't reply the next day because he realized it was a bad idea and you had different feelings and he didn't want to hurt you worse. But this is just as much on you for having boundaries, etc. Again, standard misunderstanding, so not a reason to think your H could never be M material.

Sorry, but now I'm a bit lost.. I know it's up to me to set my bounderies and not putting myself up for heartbreak as he has been clear that he doesn't feel the same. But where does the blasting part come in?

Yes. You really do. You've been white knuckled with the rope. You determine whether it will be an ultra marathon. Some people are still extremely attached to their WAS decades later.

Don't worry about your H's feelings. They aren't wrong. You just don't like the decision he's made based on those feelings. But in addition to detaching, working on yourself is really the key. And since you two were so interwoven, his feelings are the clues you need to become the best person you can.

So much want to understand this.. I know I need to work on becoming the best person I can be, but how can I find the clues in his feelings when he says he has none?

So you think he has feelings for me anyway, even though he says he doesn't?

I will work on letting this go, being a better person, and the very best I can be. You know, the kind only a fool would leave, and hopefully I get a chance at some stage to show him this and he'll reconsider. But for now I'm off his radar (not friends on FB and not posting on Instagram) and I will do NC 'til the cows come home and hope that he finds that it's a void.

Thanks dear Zeus for your reply!! Means the world to me!
Hug!