Renewed Focus on ME

[V2pt0]

Good past couple of days in Dublin. Traveling abroad always makes me so energized. It is certainly one of my passions. Lots of time to reflect on myself and the path/steps I need to take when I am back at home.

Was thinking about what stage of LBS I am in. I feel like I am slowly starting to move into acceptance stage. It is easier and easier to detach as my H becomes angrier. I see it more clearly how broken he is and how it it is not my job to fix him. I mean how is it that he is the one having A, but yet he is the one that is so angry at me for having a backbone and calling him on his gaslighting. It actually makes me quite sad that he is making the choices he is. I do have empathy and as hard as it is given the A, I am trying to live from a place of love in my choices in how to respond.

While here, I have been reading Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live. There is a great deal of information regarding shame and how that keeps us from living wholeheartly. I know that this has been a major barrier for me. Part of my growth will be learning that I am enough. Unfortunately, my H also needs to learn he is enough. I know I did a number of things that contributed to by H feeling this way. There is a really good chapter on how men feel shame, especially as it relates to feeling sexually rejected, and it made me cry when I read it. It underscores why H turned to A....he wanted validating that he was not broken and wants to feel as if he is enough. I know this is not the long term solution and he needs to feel enough from within. But it is an easy way to temporarily numb the pain.

Two people with shame issues are going to have a hard time connections if both refuse to be vulnerable. Lots a work ahead for me in this area this summer. It was hard enough feeling enough before H's affair. But I have to remember it is not primarily about me even though I did contribute. Baby steps.