Just a couple notes for today so far. Last night, I had a great time celebrating out with a few friends. STBX called to talk with the kids before I went out. I spent the whole time helping D4 retell her day (as she was distracted by being at her friend's house). I was upbeat and excited to assist but the call took a little longer than normal as a result. I cordially ended the call and I thought STBX was holding back tears but I can't be sure.
While I was out, STBX texted to wish me a fun time and requested me to text back to let her know the kids were ok. I felt this was a somewhat reasonable request because the kids were being watched by a friend. I waited an hour later and responded with, "Sure."
A few minutes later, she texted back with "can you talk?" I didn't reply but she called me anyway but I didn't answer. I continued on with my night.
When I got home, I texted that the kids were safe and sound. She responded with a wordy TM just to say thanks. A little later, she sent another TM that said "you ok?" I didn't reply to either.
The next morning, STBX called again but I didn't answer. I knew that she would have an opportunity to talk with me in person this afternoon if she wanted when I drop off the kids.
I am preparing for STBX to want to talk today. I plan to look sharp and be confident. I will validate in ways that GB and Starsky recommended and just listen to see where the conversation goes. Honestly, I think there is a slight possibility that STBX will try to get physically affectionate also. On Easter Sunday, she got very emotional during a R talk and we actually ended up ML. I just need to be prepared for that possibility.
No expectations, I know. I just need to be prepared for contingencies. She will have just woken up when I drop off kids so she will probably be completely out of it. But she did mention yesterday that she wanted to wake up whenever I dropped off kids.
Anyway, keep me in your thoughts fellow DB'ers.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Well, that just goes to show you, have no expectations. I just dropped off kids with in laws and STBX was still sleeping. Honestly, I lingered a bit, talking with her parents and playing with the kids, to see if STBX would wake up. Eventually she did. Everyone made a little more small talk and then I started preparing my exit. STBX wanted her and the kids to walk me out. I said my goodbyes to the kids and walked to my car door. I thought maybe she wanted to give me a hug but I already was at the side of my car. She did ask me what I was doing today. I just mentioned that I had some errands and whatnot (not too mysterious, I know). From there, I had a great big smile and waved as I drove away.
Huh? I thought for sure she was going to pull me aside to talk and I was ready for it. Oh well, I definitely wasn't going to force it. So confusing. No big deal though. I will just stay consistent, but be ready if an opportunity presents itself.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Well, that just goes to show you, have no expectations. I just dropped off kids with in laws and STBX was still sleeping. Honestly, I lingered a bit, talking with her parents and playing with the kids, to see if STBX would wake up. Eventually she did. Everyone made a little more small talk and then I started preparing my exit. STBX wanted her and the kids to walk me out. I said my goodbyes to the kids and walked to my car door. I thought maybe she wanted to give me a hug but I already was at the side of my car. She did ask me what I was doing today. I just mentioned that I had some errands and whatnot (not too mysterious, I know). From there, I had a great big smile and waved as I drove away.
Huh? I thought for sure she was going to pull me aside to talk and I was ready for it. Oh well, I definitely wasn't going to force it. So confusing. No big deal though. I will just stay consistent, but be ready if an opportunity presents itself.
Hi mate. Yea, the old mind reading thing. You think you know what's going to happen, you prep for it and......nada.
After a while I just started to stop (contradiction, I know) trying to second guess what's going to happen. Just let what will be be. The biggest thing I have in my arsenal right now is to expect her spew. When it happens I know to just get outa dodge. Apart from that, no expectations.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I needed to pay my phone bill tonight and I am also a glutton for punishment, so I decided to check my STBX's phone records. I only went back a week or two.
Here's what I found: -no recent call to/from OM's cell phone -one incoming call from possible OM's office on June 1. However, it's important to remember, I cannot track any TM's to/from OM due to iMessage. Plus, my STBX could be using her parent's landline.
I did find that STBX has started texting a male coworker, who she recently became Facebook friends with. Not sure it's really anything to be concerned about YET because there are no phone calls to his number from her cell and the TM's are like 4-5 a day all around the same time (so could just be random work stuff). However, they do work together and that's what happened the first time around.
Not really sure this changes anything but just wanted to report my findings. Mindreading, but maybe the diminished contact with OM explains her recent comments.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
You've probably had urges where you really, really want to either make contact w/ your W or feel there is something you must really get off your chest to her, etc. Something makes this impossible, and by the time you can again, it seems less urgent or even isn't a big deal any longer. No real mystery.
Instead of trying to figure out what was going on w/ her seeming to want to talk, and then not the next day, just let it slide as one of those things that doesn't seem such a big deal with a night's sleep or time.
Oh, and errands "and things" can be really mysterious if you say the "and things" with the right intonation. Can be especially good if you can raise and lower your eyebrows. Seriously, you weren't available when she called and texted repeatedly. That's plenty of mystery, and is the kind of thing that has a deeper impact than words. So just let it stew for a while & see what comes of it. I admire the restraint you showed. I still have to work hard to catch myself not just instinctively jumping to pick up or texting back. Has always been my nature and habits are hard to break.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
There could be lots of ways for them to have contact. What I have learned is that if they want to have a relatinoship there is nothing you can do to stop them. Checking the phone records will only cause you to stay in pain longer and make the recovery process slower.
I know it's easy for me to give advice and hard to follow advice given to me, but that's my .02 cents.
Asitis, All great points. Take all those and add the mentality of a wayward and you really have a recipe for uncertainty. Thanks for the support!
HeavyD, I completely agree. I only check her phone records once or twice a month. I do so strategically just to see if there's anything there to validate STBX's behavior or comments. Other than that, I stay away for my own sanity's sake!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
My W pushed us to split our phones last weekend. I thought about trying to hack in one last time but decided not to bother with it. I just don't care.
She wanted to do it because she thought I was snooping. Even though I didn't even have the pw! Ha. Could have tried, but figured it was better not to know anyway.
I'm with Matt on this one. No point. Just feeds the insecurities. Let it lie.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Monday lunchtime update: FaceTimed with STBX and the kids last night. Nothing major to report there. However, immediately afterward STBX sends TM. "You ok?" I reply, "Yeah. Thanks for asking." "Of course." Just thought it odd that she asked that two days in a row. I didn't think I acted any differently. Who knows?
I bought a gift for STBX last night that maybe I could give to her someday in the distant future. It's a copy of The Great Gatsby s/t on vinyl. It's something I've wanted to get for her way before BD and the price was too good to pass up. But don't worry, I am not giving in to her anytime soon!
It just made me miss her. I think that combined with the phone record search has me in a minor funk today. Or it could just be a Monday.
Looking forward to finish clearing out all the weeds and overgrowth on my patio tonight. Once I finish with that, add in a pressure wash, throw in two new chaise lounges and I will have a nice little personal oasis. It'll be great to lay out with a book and an adult beverage after work.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
