I returned a phone call from a voice message she left. She is really wanting me to call off my Lawyer and return to mediation. She said she can't afford it and doesn't want to be bushwacked. (Oh the irony). I said oh, kind of like when you bushwacked me? She replied, yes, you would use it as a punishment wouldn't you? I replied, that is not my business, I don't punish anyone or decide on people's fate. She said we would be making a big mistake if we used lawyers. She said if I insisted on a lawyer then give her a couple of months to save up for one as she is broke right now and she doesn't know if she could get a loan from a bank.
I listened and she went on about her perception of our communiction problems. I said that must be really hard for you to feel that way and I can understand how badly that must makes you feel. We talked for abut 45 minutes and came down to some options.
We talked about how she felt neglected and taken for granted and I said I am sorry you felt that way, I wish you had talked to me about it. I said I wish we were not in the situation we were in. She said that her affair was not my fault and had nothing to do with me. She said she begged me for years to pay attention to her, and just love and cherish her. I said Good Lord, I thought that was what I was doing but apparently you did not understand it or I did a very poor job of showing you love.
She said our divorce does not have to be contentious and the current model is not sustainable. She regrets that she hurt me and stepped out like she did but I gave her no choice. I said so you are blaming this affair on me? She replies No, that's not what I meant. There is too much hostility and anger and if we mediate, she would be my biggest cheerleader and we could raise the children in a much better atmosphere. It would be the same only we would not be married.
I said yes, the current model that we have is not working too well, it's really hard and I don't think it is sustainable either and I want what's best for the children too. I think what we are doing now is not the best interest of the kids.
I said - OK - lets lay out some options -
HER Suggest Options
1. Return to mediation and divorce 2. Coparenting counseling to learn to be better co-parents and divorce and we be a happy family.
MY Suggested Options
1. Use lawyers and divorce 2. Return to mediation and divorce 3. Couples Counseling to navigate our way through this and stay the divorce until we can work out the issues. There must not be any third party involved.
She said as couples counseling? I don't want to be married to you. I said this counseling would not necessarily be with the goal of reconcilliaton, and that I don't know what the future will bring for us, but that is my suggestion.
She replied you only value me in the role of wife, and I have value independently of how you see me. I had no reply to that one. (????)
She said even if her AP walked away tomorrow she still would not want to be married to me as we had 20 years of bad communication. I said really? 20 years? She said OK well maybe the last 10. She said we talked about it a lot and I said yes we did and each time we talked about it, we talked it out and settled the issues. She said we never settled any issues just swept them under the carpet.
I said look I agree, the old marriage is dead. I agree with you on that and I do want whats in the best interests of our two children whom we both love so much but I feel that an intact family unit is the best chance they have.
She said OK - I get it, "You call the shots", you won't call off the lawyer unless I agree to couples couseling, that is really sick and typical of you. That is your carrot. You always manipulate and control everything and I won't go back to that. I am not interested in being married to you, I have not asked for that I want to divorce.
I said I am sorry you feel I manipulate and controll you, that was never my intention and if you felt that way, again, I can see why you would be frustrated.
She then states that she does not trust me and I said, I have the same trust issues with you for obvious reasons that why I think counseling would be a good step regardless of the outcome.
She said - well then it looks like we will have to use attorneys then!!
What does the DB community think about this latest volley? Stay the course? I mean, she filed for divorce from me! It's not like my having a Lawyer cancels the divorce process.
