The end

[mustardseed]

Sorry I've been MIA. Things have taken a really ugly turn that I'd rather not get into here. But it sparked to change lawyers and I now feel like I really have someone on my side. We are still living together. The affair is pretty much confirmed at this point. I'm trying really hard to let go. To use my anger to walk away rather than to try and convince him how despicable they both are. It is so hard, but much easier now that I have lawyers who aren't saying "hey this is just the way it is" still waiting to be served with the divorce. What I though was me being served with divorce was actually just my lawyer asking if I could have her serve me rather than a process server. She never got the papers and when I changed lawyers they also didn't receive anything about the divorce. I have no idea what's taking so long. Once we see what they put on the table I can start thinking about my options. For now I need to focus on finishing these last few weeks of work and finding a new job. Also making sure my kids will be ok.

So for the most part I'm stl stuck. Yesterday was the first morning I haven't woken up with anxiety. But it seems like it has been replaced with intense hatred and anger. It doesn't feel quite as bad as the anxiety but it still is an awful feeling.

I know what that my failure to DB properly has led me to this miserable place. I wish I had done things differently. But what is done is done. I spent the day with my aunt who is also recently divorced and she asked me if I would want to ever marry again. I honestly can't ever see myself married to anyone but him. But I do want to date. It's just hard to not think of him as my husband. How is it so easy for him?