Let's start here: Why do you WANT to be intimate with her while you know she's in an A?
Because as i felt her going away from me, this was an area that was never an issue for us, even when we would fight we would connect intimately. Even while she was basically GAL or ignoring me, this intimacy kept me going, and gave me the strength to keep DBing myself and live with the nagging and pure hurtfulness or hatred she is pushing on me. This lack of intimacy is new and only the last month which is exactly the timeline i know now when she turned physical. However, since im the only one that knows this, im conflicted if it helps her ease her guilt, so by sleeping with me, im kind of enabling her to continue the A? Is this a correct mindset?
my question though, since lack of affection was a big issues she identified before (stuff other then sex), wouldn't rejecting to sleep with her (without saying the reason), basically just push her away faster to the OM? Why would she have any reason stop then? Again, im just trying to learn the methodology behind what im trying to do?
i think ive posted to much in the last 2 pages, perhaps i should let other chime in also. I am sorry for the long posts, being a fast typer and a racing mind has many cons
Don't apologize for posting too much. The more you type, the more everyone can understand your thoughts and goals and fears, etc. when I first joined, someone told me "electrons are cheap". People are reading. Don't worry about it.
I'm still a little confused. She hasn't been trying to be intimate for the last month. So how would you be rejecting to sleep with HER? Sandi has posted many times (sorry if I mess up the wording!) that women are only romantically interested in one man at a time - there isn't anything that you can do on a sexual basis to compete if she is interested in OM at this moment. If it were me, I would stop any romantic interactions with her, why would you want to settle for being her Plan B?
The bigger point, I think, is that your mindset is still way too focused on her and clinging to her. She is sleeping with another man - how much FARTHER away can you push her? Instead, your only choice is to let her go. You take the focus off of her, put it on making you the best Angels possible. Move forward with your life.
thanks for the reply. I think your right, even though i am doing things for myself now without asking, i'm still wondering what shes thinking or doing instead of basically just not caring, like you are suggesting. Also the PF is now horrible, she used to play both sides (which i saw the messages of when i read and discovered everything) but since the fallout of calling her out, now she is against me and i think pushing the W away because of it out of her own anger for being called out as attacking my marriage, even though i was 100% right (which i know, i know, doesn't matter anymore). I wish i would have come here before that because im sure you all would have told me that was a bad idea to call her out on giving my W bad advice.
What sandi posted i believe spot on about only being able to be intimate with one person in her mind (which destroys me). What i meant by intimate was not just the sex, but the feeling you get when you are connected, if that makes sense? Not just sex, but the intimacy when your both pleasing one another and into it. We always had that regardless if she was unhappy or mad. Starting a month ago, what i meant was, the passion left. There is basically no kissing, no foreplay for me, not really even effort on her part, that's what i have noticed. She is obviously just appeasing me and pretty much just lays there now, like she could care less. She also barely looks at me (closes eyes) which is extremely hurtful because from what sandi said, im sure shes pretending its not me... I guess in a way, thats what i meant by rejection, combined with just the flat out rejection when she makes up an excuse for not being in the mood. We used to be extremely active, now i dont think it would ever happen if i dont initiate it. Thats was something i always felt i needed as a man to keep myself from drifting, if that makes sense?
We did get intimate this morning, it had been weeks because i couldn't take it. However, to the best i could think of in terms of DBing in my mind i tried to apply. I kept it quick, didnt cuddle, and i made sure i was the one who left first to shower like it didn't really matter. I guess thats the only thing i could do. I just tried to have my own fun i guess and didn't try to make it intimate where i could be rejected (like kissing). It has now become purely physical which honestly, doesn't even seem worth it... god this is hard.
I will post more later. She sits next to me and i do NOT want her to see this forum obviously as people have pointed out. Any advice on the above or previous stuff i will read intently when i get a chance later!
