I found out my husband of 25 yrs had 2 affairs( one a while back and one recent & both younger) on April 29th, it was a total shock as everthing was normal at home, we never argued. Now, I just finished the Divorce Busting Book & I loved it and I so want to be able to do that because I miss my best friend. I stuggle with the making my goal list & undertanding which steps I should do first... My husband has moved out when I approched him with the information I received & all he said that he loves me but he didn't think he was in love with me. We have 2 daughters, one 22 & one 20, he's 45 and Im 44 & he said that he is done done & that he wants to be alone, no one to report to and be free to do what he wants to do. We text & talk everyday, we are close friend, we both prefer it this way so far. We work well together for our fiances & he comes at the house oftern for coffee & long conversations. I have got help from a social worker & a therapist because Iam so sad & I need help. I want my marriage back & my husband back. Please help me to understand what's first for me.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello Cindy - Im so sorry you are here, but you couldnt have found a better, more supportive place.
A few things: - read and re-read the links in Cadet's welcome post. There is so much incredible information in there.
- I'd recommend you modify your signature to look something like mine so that people can easily see your situation and remember what is going on. Also, not sure if thats your full name, but you may want to remove it...just in case.
- As for actual advice, I think you really need to start distancing yourself from your H. It sounds like you are giving him all of the things he needs in a great friend, but it doesnt sound like thats what you want from him. You are meeting all of his emotional needs, but none of your own. I dont think that he is going to change his mind about the marriage if you keep this level of interaction going. Read and re-read Sandi's rules....I would start there and see how you can start to apply those.
- In the meantime, you mentioned that you have read the DB book. So what kind of 180s do you have planned/in progress? What kind of goals do you have set?
Very sorry for your pain and having to be here. I echo Cadet's recommendation on reading Divorce Remedy, as it has an excellent chapter on infidelity. The mid-life crisis (MLC) chapter is also excellent to see if this is part of the issue, and it can be found in the MLC forum.
Remember that you have time, so don't feel like you need to rush to get everything right in this moment. Do your homework, work through your grief a bit, and in the process come up with some goals. Remember that jumping before you've got the game plan (which unfortunately most of us have done) usually results in poor results, so back off any feelings like I need to make plans today or tomorrow and start my campaign to get my H back or else it could all fall apart. You have time and you need to respect that you are going through a terrible emotional upheaval.
Read the resources pages in the relevant forums (newcomers, MLC, infidelity), get DR, ask questions, allow some processing of pain and distance from the immediacy of the crisis, and you'll be far ahead of most of us who dove in when our lives were turned upside down by our S.
Good luck, stay strong, and keep posting. There is a lot of good support and benefit of having some other eyes on your sitch that you'll be glad of.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
So sorry to hear that you are also going through this horrible experience. The betrayal and hurt is overwhelming, and it feels like your spouse is possessed by aliens! Everyone here knows how you feel and what you are going through. It is such a terrible shock and so devastating, I felt like it was the end of my life as I knew it.
In some ways it is - and I know it sounds crazy right now, but at some later stage, you may feel it could be an opportunity to create a new life, and possibly a new and different relationship with H - if you decide that you want that.
I agree with Matt that you should show your H what life will be really like without you. How are you when you are with him? Can he tell you are sad? Are you asking him to come back?
The work I have done DB'ing has made me feel better about myself and more confident that even if H and I end up splitting, I'll be okay. That helps me stay positive around him, too (most of the time), and somewhat detached. I wish you the same experience.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
