Eeyore is kicking the can strongly folks. I am trying to keep him in the trash can. I don't know what the triggers are today but I am feeling weak and vulnerable and filled with anxiety.
I feel the exact same way today HD, just one of those days. This can be so f'in hard.
Fighting/second guessing everything I'm doing also, just.......not really sure. Have to just remind myself to stop overthinking so much. Keep doing what I'm doing, stay the path.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I back from being gone for 2 days on a work trip. It was good to get away altough today was tough, I don't really know why, it just was. I met some interesting people, had a great breakfast lunch and dinner with the group and just enjoyed talking to people.
At the airport, I look at my phone and there are 3 non essential texts. I debated whether or not to reply. I chose not too.
It still surprises me when I get a text. I don't respond to them unless they are about the kids or I deem it urgent. Most of them are venting about a situation.
I have an invitation tomorrow for a French opera - cool! Never been to one and it's with an old friend. I'm excited to go. I hope to have fun!
So I got into an unwise conversation today on the phone with my W. I called to talk to my S9 and as we talked about pick up times on Wednesday, she got on the line.
She wants us to divorce but remain "best friends". She said she wants us to reconcile as friends. That was weird, she never used the word reconcile before.
However, she has said this about twenty times now and again I said no, I can't be your friend. She started to cry about us being friends for the past 20 years and how I would be throwing all of that away. I said "this is your choice, you took a lover and are divorcing me remember?" She states divorce doesn't have to be this way. I said "What did you expect would happen when you took an AP. She says I have no value in her as a person but only as a wife which means property. This language is all straight from her circus freak open marriage AP.
She wants me to return to mediation and drop my lawyer again. She asks "So what I am supposed to do, hire a lawyer?" I said "You are free to do whatever you want to do." I said let me get this straight - You cheated, lied, stole money from the family and you want me to mediate with you and not get a lawyer to protect myself? She replied, I didn't steal anything. I reminded her of the money she put on our CC for her AP (it was about $1500) but she paid that back. I said if you did that in the real world you would be jailed.
She stated our problems have been communication and the past twenty years have been hell because of these problems and how we never can get past them. How I ignored her and didn't value her, etc...and how I never "owned" any of these problems. I listened, validated, and said that must have felt really bad for her. I told her AGAIN for the millionth time that I accepted responsibility for 50% of the problems and I listed them.
She was crying so hard I could not understand her and I said "ok time out, breathe in , breathe out" and we did that for a minute or two until she could talk again so I could understand her. I probably should not have done that either. That was a controlling move.
She wants us to go to counseling so we can communicate better. I said I would go to counseling to communicate better but with no third parties involved. She refused as she does not want to be in a marriage or partnership with me in any way and having a third party involved does not affect anything regarding counseling.
She is deeply entrenched in her A, told me she loves her and how special she makes her feel and how she realized I could never give her that. She said she does not know where that relationship is going, but for now it is enough for her. She coldly said she is sorry she hurt me. That's it. No empathy whatsoever.
And another bad move on my part was "Yes, this is all about how You feel, not about how I feel, or how our kids feel or what is best for our family and/or marriage. It's always been all about you." You have put your feelings before all of us. I should not have said that, but it just came out.
She was sobbing and crying yet defiant at the same time. She is really upset that I don't return her texts or respond to her. She said I am "cutting her out of my life". She is upset that I have blocked her from FB of all things.
URGH. I backslid on many levels. Mainly getting sucked into a phone conversation with her. As usual, she has rewritten our marriage, I am the bad guy, she claims I prevent her from coming into the neighborhood, hate her, want vengence by hiring a lawyer.
She refuses to accept that the A is the reason all of this is in motion. I said that marriage is work, it is a comittment, it has up periods and down periods and you don't give up, you just keep trying and that I never stopped trying. Again, more controlling language on my part.
Oh boy - we never make any progress, but just keep circling the drain, getting further and further down. I wish I did not have that conversation, most of it was responding appropriately but the rest was reactionary and not smart on my end. I am kicking myself for those statements.
I think it is probably best not to have any conversation at all with her, it only leads to arguments. Bottom line, as long as she is in A she is not reasonable and she talks nonsense. So why did I pick up the bait today? Dunno, maybe cause I was gone for two days and felt really disconnected from my kids, from her, all of it.
She wants a D, wants to be best friends and carry on, me to value her as a person instead of a W and all will be OK. What a bunch a hooey.
It seems the only move is to continue with the NC (except for kids) and prepare for the worst, which has already really happened.
The heavy sobbing and tears and hyperventilating? All moves to get me to cave on the attorney I guessing but I just don't really know.
Why does she fear an attorney so much? My guy said it's really a simple case. We only have a couple of items to split and we have already been doing the 50/50 child care thing.
I honestly don't get why she is so fixated on that issue of everything. If she were so fearful of me having an A, then she would call off the D right?
Again, I must be getting played. And I seem to fall for it over and over again.
However, she has said this about twenty times now and again I said no, I can't be your friend. She started to cry about us being friends for the past 20 years and how I would be throwing all of that away. I said "this is your choice, you took a lover and are divorcing me remember?" She states divorce doesn't have to be this way. I said "What did you expect would happen when you took an AP. She says I have no value in her as a person but only as a wife which means property. This language is all straight from her circus freak open marriage AP.
Dear Heavy!
First, thanks for your post in my thread. I have not been logged in almost all week.
I love the way you are standing your ground with your W. Your responses were so good, in my opinion.
I know you are struggling so much. Can you try to get involved with more GAL things? I understand it is difficult (really, I do!) but it helps clear my mind and detach more from my W. If we're meant to R, this is my only chance, I believe and have been taught here, to draw her back to me.
I'll pray for you right now!
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
She did say that she notices that I have been way more involved with the kids than I ever have been. That is true so that has been a silver lining in this.
That was the only positive thing that came out of the conversation.
Just remember it isn't about you. She's going to try every trick she has to try to control you. Try not to let it under your skin. In every conversation, there's a moment or s thing we said we wish would could have back.
Overall, I think you were ok. Keep your chin up and press on. Take your own advice - breathe in, breathe out.
The heavy sobbing and tears and hyperventilating? All moves to get me to cave on the attorney I guessing but I just don't really know.
Why does she fear an attorney so much? My guy said it's really a simple case. We only have a couple of items to split and we have already been doing the 50/50 child care thing.
I honestly don't get why she is so fixated on that issue of everything. If she were so fearful of me having an A, then she would call off the D right?
It's likely she is trying to manipulate you to drop the lawyer, but maybe not the reason you think. Just my take on this as it could be wrong. She wants desperately to be your best friend, she still cares for you deep down. Shes not prepared to lose you fully from her life but at the same time her addiction is too strong to leave OW. Shes torn on keeping both of you in her life, wants her cake and to eat it too. That's not necessarily a bad thing.
The way I see it, one day its very likely her fairy tale will end and she will have to face the reality of the situation. Whats left when the addiction to OW is gone? Those feelings for you will, the ones she wont admit with words, but is showing through in actions. Possibly..... I don't see many reasons for wanting to remain friends other than not losing you from her life or justifying her actions right now. Even if its just to justify her actions, on some level she knows its wrong then.
She could be intimidated by the lawyer route, it definitely complicates the situation from her end. Shes in fairy tale land and just wants things her way without a fight. It could be every time you fight her on the lawyer she sees it as you trying to stop her from D, which stops her fairy tale. She has to preserve the fairy tale at all costs. To her it might be pressure or pursuing, but you have to draw some lines to protect yourself also. Its a fine line to walk, stepping out of the way for them to see the faults in the fairy tale and protecting yourself and family.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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