[sandi2]

1. I do not want her to leave, i love my wife, i have made that known and want to work on things. I just read other place if the A is still ongoing, there can be no improvement to the M until that stops. I do not want her to leave, and you are probably right, i would have even more pain because at least when she is here, i know where she is so my mind can calm down and not be dreading.

I understand. I agree that the A needs to end. I was responding to your question about having her to leave. Make sure you know what it is that you want, before jumping off the ledge.

i am able to control my emotions, i do have moments and fall apart when im alone, which i thought was healthy

?

Sure, as long as it's not in front of her, or she can hear you.

you are correct about my 'fear', i would be lying if i said i am not terrified of everything happening right now. i saw in your other 'newbie' thread and i def match the part of how i feel very 'i cant do anything right', or the 'damned if you do, damned if you dont'. Its like when she wants to leave to go home and i now know where she is going, should i stop her or just let her go, knowing where she is going? following the DB approach, i should just let her go... but how can that be rationalized and not considered enabling?

There may be times you will think you can't do anything right here, too. It's b/c there are so many threads and we get to posting in shorter clip note versions. Can't cover everything in a post or two, and sometimes we forget to say what you did right. But we do have some who are gifted in that area.

I think you were referring to not doing anything right with your WW, and that's very true. To her, you are what's wrong in her life and she's not wanting to see the good parts. She will resist it with all her might. That's why talking about good memories, showing pictures, or another person praising you will set off her anger. So, forget about doing something right in her viewpoint. Instead, focus on what you believe to be the "right" thing to do. That includes your values and standards. It includes your personal boundaries.

Okay, about her leaving under the guise of seeing her foks. Here is my question........what could you do to stop her from leaving? If she knows you know about her meeting OM, then you can refuse to finance the trip in any way, but otherwise, what could you do? Just be prepared for her to play you up as the bad guy to her parents (b/c she will lie to them).

My advice is to not place any focus on those trips. Don't ask her questions, b/c that gives it attention and focus. Don't show that you are upset. Don't say anything about her contacting you when she gets there or calling the kids every night, etc. And never contact her if it's not a matter of life & death. No guilt messages, no trick questions, etc. You set her free to make her own choices. You focus on what it means to DB detach and GAL. This is very key for the LBS.

I have noticed if im quite, like last night after i saw the true evidence of the A, she does act very nice and start talking and questioning like "is everything ok" or why are you just staring at the tv and not talking, or you didn't come see me when i came in the door (last night). She almost looks upset when i do this and i can see the concern grow, so is that why i need to keep trying to force from her? make that feeling of her grow more? or is that also just a game and it basically means nothing...

Right now, she may be a little on edge and watching you for signs that you know about the A. She sees you being too quite and not paying her attention, so her alarm bell sounds off. If she's upset, I assure you it's not b/c she is concerned about how you feel........but she wants everything to continue on as it has, with her secret A and her H never the wiser.

There have been many women who continue this scenario even after the A is out in the open. As if to say, "What's wrong, why aren't you happy"? . Crazy! Shows how removed they are from reality.

She is currently getting groceries, getting dinner and renting a movie for us. Even with the A she still acts so normal with day to day stuff, im so confused how she can do this...?

But you see, that's what she does to throw you off track about her secret. She knows the minute she stops with the normal routine of the day, you are going to suspect something. This is one of the reasons a H can be so deceived by a WW. He trusts her and doesn't see anything he can't cover with an excuse for her. Eventually, she gets more careless as her H seems to turn a b,ind eye, and that's usually when she hangs herself.

That is why I wanted you to get more DB and information under your belt before you decide to make any big steps. These things need to be thought out......beyond simply confronting her. You need to think what you will say if she says she wants to D you and M OM....or she flatly dismisses it, or she insists you move out. You have to have a p,an beyond simply letting her know that you are aware of her A. And btw, never reveal everything you know.......or the source. The first thing she would want to know is how you found out.