So I got into an unwise conversation today on the phone with my W. I called to talk to my S9 and as we talked about pick up times on Wednesday, she got on the line.
She wants us to divorce but remain "best friends". She said she wants us to reconcile as friends. That was weird, she never used the word reconcile before.
However, she has said this about twenty times now and again I said no, I can't be your friend. She started to cry about us being friends for the past 20 years and how I would be throwing all of that away. I said "this is your choice, you took a lover and are divorcing me remember?" She states divorce doesn't have to be this way. I said "What did you expect would happen when you took an AP. She says I have no value in her as a person but only as a wife which means property. This language is all straight from her circus freak open marriage AP.
She wants me to return to mediation and drop my lawyer again. She asks "So what I am supposed to do, hire a lawyer?" I said "You are free to do whatever you want to do." I said let me get this straight - You cheated, lied, stole money from the family and you want me to mediate with you and not get a lawyer to protect myself? She replied, I didn't steal anything. I reminded her of the money she put on our CC for her AP (it was about $1500) but she paid that back. I said if you did that in the real world you would be jailed.
She stated our problems have been communication and the past twenty years have been hell because of these problems and how we never can get past them. How I ignored her and didn't value her, etc...and how I never "owned" any of these problems. I listened, validated, and said that must have felt really bad for her. I told her AGAIN for the millionth time that I accepted responsibility for 50% of the problems and I listed them.
She was crying so hard I could not understand her and I said "ok time out, breathe in , breathe out" and we did that for a minute or two until she could talk again so I could understand her. I probably should not have done that either. That was a controlling move.
She wants us to go to counseling so we can communicate better. I said I would go to counseling to communicate better but with no third parties involved. She refused as she does not want to be in a marriage or partnership with me in any way and having a third party involved does not affect anything regarding counseling.
She is deeply entrenched in her A, told me she loves her and how special she makes her feel and how she realized I could never give her that. She said she does not know where that relationship is going, but for now it is enough for her. She coldly said she is sorry she hurt me. That's it. No empathy whatsoever.
And another bad move on my part was "Yes, this is all about how You feel, not about how I feel, or how our kids feel or what is best for our family and/or marriage. It's always been all about you." You have put your feelings before all of us. I should not have said that, but it just came out.
She was sobbing and crying yet defiant at the same time. She is really upset that I don't return her texts or respond to her. She said I am "cutting her out of my life". She is upset that I have blocked her from FB of all things.
URGH. I backslid on many levels. Mainly getting sucked into a phone conversation with her. As usual, she has rewritten our marriage, I am the bad guy, she claims I prevent her from coming into the neighborhood, hate her, want vengence by hiring a lawyer.
She refuses to accept that the A is the reason all of this is in motion. I said that marriage is work, it is a comittment, it has up periods and down periods and you don't give up, you just keep trying and that I never stopped trying. Again, more controlling language on my part.
Oh boy - we never make any progress, but just keep circling the drain, getting further and further down. I wish I did not have that conversation, most of it was responding appropriately but the rest was reactionary and not smart on my end. I am kicking myself for those statements.
I think it is probably best not to have any conversation at all with her, it only leads to arguments. Bottom line, as long as she is in A she is not reasonable and she talks nonsense. So why did I pick up the bait today? Dunno, maybe cause I was gone for two days and felt really disconnected from my kids, from her, all of it.
She wants a D, wants to be best friends and carry on, me to value her as a person instead of a W and all will be OK. What a bunch a hooey.
It seems the only move is to continue with the NC (except for kids) and prepare for the worst, which has already really happened.
