My H and I had a great relationship too, we were best friends. We got along well and hardly ever had a fight, disagreement or argument. Then he started an emotional affair with his coworker. I had no idea - I didn't imagine he was capable of such a thing. Suddenly - from one week to the next- he didn't want to have sex with me, but we still spent a lot of time together. I thought he was having a lot of stress and work and that was causing him to be distant and not affectionate. Guess what? He was stressed because he wanted to leave me and run off with his coworker! Even after he did that, he still lied to my face about it. When I confronted him with the cold truth he denied it! (of course his excuse was that he didn't want to hurt me) And this is a man who values honesty and believes himself to be a loyal, honest guy. He still does!
Why am I telling you this? Because you seem to think because you are nice to each other that things are fine. That because you are friends and kind to each other and not fighting and screaming that you should continue along these lines.
I don't know what is the truth in your relationship. I can only tell you that something is wrong, and it doesn't sound like you continuing to be "nice" is going to help.
Perhaps if when I first saw the signs I got myself together more quickly and started focusing on myself, my needs and bettering myself I could have prevented my H from running off with OW. Maybe not. Maybe the affair chemicals were so strong that nothing could have stopped it.
But I do regret continuing to be extra nice and loving to my H while he was having an affair! I didn't know what was going on, I only saw his distance. So I tried being extra loving. I chased him. Did it help or hurt? Maybe it had no effect. But I feel so stupid now for that time when I was extra caring and nice while he was planning to leave me. I wish I had realized what was going on and took the focus off him. I wish when he first started to be distant I just left on vacation, or changed my habits and stopped having dinner ready for him when he came home late from the office, not given him a back massage after his "stressful day at work" flirting with his coworker.
Do you see yourself in any of this? Read the stories of others on here, see what they struggled with and how much better things get when you take the focus off the WAS and start to get a life for yourself. Maybe it won't win her back. If not, there is probably nothing you could have done. But at least you will maintain your sanity.
Just to repeat what others said, focusing on yourself does not mean you should be angry, rude, cold. You just step back. Stop chasing. Focus on yourself. You can still smile, be friendly, be kind. But don't buy gifts, call all day, ask where she is going or what she is doing. Be polite but not doting.
