My story pt 2

[HeavyD]

agreed.

She has lost that privelage of venting, intimate conversations, etc.. when she fired you as your husband.

That is her loss.

I am sorry - this process is hard.

[sandi2]

I should continue with the counseling with her though, don't you think? As long as I don't go in with the mentality of trying to be friends if she continues down the path of destruction?

To what purpose? Neither of you can even name the basis to continue. You don't really need guidance in co-parenting your child, do you? Do you need to learn how to communicate "after" the M has ended? Why attend MC sessions after the M ends? My point being how long do you think it would take before the subject got around to the relationship? She's already brought it up! I think both of you are using it for an excuse, but maybe with different end goals, IDK. I am not saying these aren't legit reasons for some couples, I just don't think it's the real one here. If you need counseling, see an IC. Same for her, if she needs counseling, but why marriage counseling together after she has filed for a D? For counseling to help a M, both of you would need to want to do what's necessary to save the M. That's what I want you to think about, and why she would bring it up immediately after filing.

Sandi, I've read a lot of your posts, but what made you have your "epiphany" or what was it that lifted the fog for you?

It's difficult for me to tell it in a few words, so hang on. My H had discovered the A, but to my knowledge did not tell anyone. I had gone as far as telling my mother only that I was talking to OM (She knew I had been terribly unhappy with my H). Eventually I told our grown son that I was considering leaving his dad. Of course, I didn't tell my son what I was guilty of doing. I intended to leave the impression with my family that everything was H's fault (b/c at the time, I believed it was.).

My son immediately went to his sister with what I had told him. A couple of days later, she and I were together and that's when she told me she knew all about OM. She knew before my H knew! I had left the computer monitor on with some messages with OM, and she came in and saw it. See how careless a WW can get?

I think I must have come close to entering a state of shock. I mean, what could I say? She had caught me red-handed, and this time I could not blame anyone but myself. She was very calm, when she talked to me, but it was woman to woman........not daughter to mother, the way it usually had been. She did not get ugly or scream at me, nor tell me how awful I was and that she thought I was a hypocrite. I felt like I was such a disappointment to her. Anyway, we talked for a little while and she told me how she discovered the A.

She had been staying with us, at the time of the A. She told me that one time she was on my computer when OM came on line and he thought she was me. She told him who she was and he tried to wiggle his way out. I asked him about it, and he denied it. He failed that little test. I wanted so badly to believe him, but I know my daughter too well and knew she was honest with me. The house of cards started falling down, b/c other things started happening to slowly shake me out of the fog. My gut had tried to tell me OM had lied to me about a couple of other things(and I hate lying with a passion).

One night in desperation for someone to just talk to me, I went on line and "accidentally" found this board. I had the right people (especially two ladies) who gave it to me very straight about OM. More fog slowly lifted. I finally broke the contact with OM and went through months of hell, before feeling free of the emotional pull of the addiction.

So, it was a long and hard process for me.

[Kembo05]

Thanks for sharing sandi. I'm hoping the fog lifts for my W, I think she's still living a lie to her family, but like it says in DB, I can't worry about her. If she for some reason takes blame where does that put us? I know I have to focus on me and my attitude/behavior.

I guess I'm still open to MC because I'm hoping my W still has a seed of doubt about D and she's just willing to go to see what happens. she has said some things that make me thing she still has her doubts. I'm honestly nervous about not going if she's willing, maybe this is a mistake on my part, but curiosity would kill me if I didn't go and see.

So update on the detachment and GAL; she sent the text about my D2 just a general text and I didn't respond and then she later texted if I had plans with my D2 tonight and I said I wasn't sure we were invited to dinner but not sure if I was going. I got home and she asked again: I just said we were going to a friends house and she said I didn't just have to say "a friends...what is their name?" And I just brushed it off and said you don't know them. And she asked if they were from work. I said no, there will he people there from work but the girls house we are going to isn't from work.. I wish I would have politely said she's given up the right to know those details but I'm still somewhat satisfied about my response. She then said it was weird I've been out doing so much, she said you've been out doing more in past 2 weeks than you have in past 7 years and I just said "I can see how that would be weird for you" it's very satisfying knowing she notices this. That isn't my motivation, but nevertheless it is satisfying

[sandi2]

You may need to work at giving her a different answer (still vague), but if you continue to say "just friends" she is going to think you are faking the whole thing. You could say something like, "Why the sudden interest in my life, when you no longer want to be a part of it"? (But don't let that lead to a R talk, turn and walk away). Or you could dryly say, "I don't ask you questions about your personal time". She is choosing to give up her rights as your W, and that includes asking for details. She needs to know it. So, don't continue saying the same thing, b/c it does sound pretty phony......even if it's not. However, don't start giving her names!

[Kembo05]

Thanks for the input sandi, the last thing I want is to sound phony. I guess I still struggle with giving vague answers but still being blunt about she gave up the right to know that info

I do think the would justify it by saying she wants to know because our D2 is with me and she has the right to know what she's doing and where she's at

[Kembo05]

Left the house early this morning while W and D2 were still asleep; on my way to a 5K run; part of GAL. Hoping my W asks me where I am, but I'm not relying on that or expecting it.

My W is taking D2 to a waterpark today with one of her friends so I know it will be a little lonely around the house; luckily I have some yard work I need to do, I want to take my dog to a dog park maybe and then I am hoping to make church at 6 tonight. Tomorrow will be great because I will have D2

Lastly, I made some short term goals based on DR book of my W staying in the living room after our D2 went to bed and for W to send me a text asking me about something about my day and both things happened yesterday, granted she watched TV by herself she normally will just escape to our spare bedroom. She also made too much dinner for herself so she shared with me. I am not relying on these things or expecting them, I am just trying to aim for the smallest of baby steps while detaching and GAL.

[sandi2]

Well, that's just her wanting control over your life, and D2 is the tool she's going to use.

I have never heard where that would hold up legally in a D. (considering you aren't going out of state or something big) When your child is with you on your days, I don't think you have to reveal your private/personal plans to the XW. You need to get legal advice about what she can do and not do. But don't just listen to her. Find out for yourself.

I can hear something in your posts. I hear a man who is use to following along with whatever the W says, and now you are either doing the same about the MC.....or it's you hoping it will turn things around. I suppose you will just have to see for yourself.

She will take control and use the MC sessions to bash you and get the C to side with her, as a mother, and she will walk out of there having you to follow whatever she wants. Only you can stand up for yourself and take back control over your own life.

Find out the facts before you do anything.

[Kembo05]

Well, that's just her wanting control over your life, and D2 is the tool she's going to use.

I definitely agree with this 100%

I can hear something in your posts. I hear a man who is use to following along with whatever the W says, and now you are either doing the same about the MC.....or it's you hoping it will turn things around. I suppose you will just have to see for yourself.

This wasn't always the case, but since BD I have been more like this. I do think I am hoping the MC will turn things around. I would be really shocked if she used it as an avenue to bash me. I think she is wanting to use it as an avenue to have her cake and eat it too. I would guess she will want to try and see if we can still be friends yet have a divorce, I will have to wait and see but if that is the route it goes I know I will have to stop going. I am hoping we can communicate in a safe controlled environment and this will help soften her heart. She has dropped hints that filing for D doesn't mean it's over; I know I have to live and have the mentality that it is but secretly in my mind I am hoping something some how some way will soften her heart. It's like being upbeat and cordial with her; I don't want to do that and I'm hurting inside but I know I have to give her that perception. I want her to perceive that I am starting a new life, but on the inside I want nothing more than to reconcile.

Only you can stand up for yourself and take back control over your own life.

This is a daily reminder I have to tell myself, especially in the morning when my mind is weak and I feel panic and despair.

[sandi2]

I don't know if it with true for all LBS (probably not) but I have noticed how the mornings seem to be the low point for many of the H's.

[NDY]

I don't know if it with true for all LBS (probably not) but I have noticed how the mornings seem to be the low point for many of the H's.

Weekends for me. Definitely the weekends.