The new normal

[u-turn]

Maybe is the LBS that's in the 'fog' for looking at the marriage through rose tinted spectacles.

This is what I think that has happened for me for the last 15 months. I was holding on, just knowing that this is all repairable. This is just fog. Now, when the fog lifts for me, I look back and realize I could have or even should have ended it immediately and been on with my new life. (though I have learned a lot about myself and people by enduring this pain).

My W, over and over, told me that I should move on, that I will not get over this. I think I know what she meant now - she will not end it and I might as well move on. My fog would not let me see this before.

[HeavyD]

So are you saying that it wold have been better for you to have just accepted it and moved on as soon as she dropped the bomb and that you as the LBS was in the "fog"?

That is exactly what I wrestle with - should I just let this go and move on and step off the pain ride. Maybe it would be better for ME to just move forward without out. Tell me lawyer what I want and see how long it takes to achieve the objective (s).

Maybe I am the one in the FOG!!!

[u-turn]

I think that fog/denial is what controlled me for the first 9-10 months after bd. During this time I was trying everything (and was a hot mess). If I were more clear-headed and stronger as an individual person at that time, I may have seen that it would all be ok to end the marriage. I dragged myself around for a long time allowing myself to be in pain (suffering). I marked it up to "standing for the marriage", but much of it was just fear.

Also - if I were to have read about wayward wives, I may have seen the writing on the wall. (but maybe not - I for a long time believed that my wife was different than what I read here - she isn't like that, she couldn't be like that, this is only a phase - psssshhhh!)

But - without enduring all of that, I would not be the stronger person that I am now. I would not have found DB or this forum, I would not have learned about myself, and learned about and from other people. I believe that I would have just been a divorced hot mess. So I believe the pain has taught me things I would not have learned otherwise.

[Sherman333]

just knowing that this is all repairable.

Kinda dark thoughts. I haven't read your stitch, but anything can be done if both parties want it. DB is about saving the LBS more than it is about winning back the WAS. It's only having a strong LBS that a WAS would even reconsider what they're doing.

Reconciliation doesn't always mean that the marriage is restored either.

It's not months that have been wasted. It's been time spent on you. What you did at the time made sense to you in the moment. You can't see the future and sometimes things do work out and people reunite. I have a neighbor who's WAW came back. You never know what's really in someone's head. You stood for your marriage... I don't know how that can be viewed as a bad thing?

The real question is what do you want to for your life without worrying about another. Only you can determine your next steps. Make them count for the rest of your life in whatever you do.

[HeavyD]

UTurn

Are you divorced?? Your tag line does not indicate that.

I think I am beginnning to fall in line with your thinking. The writing is on the wall. I too thought there is no way my wife could do this, but she did, over and over.

However I have grown as a person, become stronger, more connected to God and more connected to my kids. Those are great outcomes from this experience.

Maybe that is the yin and yang of this experience.

They always say insight comes through pain. I tend to agree with that at this point.

[PigPen]

Good discussion around this, I've been pondering the same thing...am I just in a fog, my W has clearly moved on with her life in every possible way but legally. Sometimes I wish she had just filed for D the day she left rather than leave me in limbo.

But then I think what my course of action would have been. Would I have spent as much time improving myself had there not been this glimmer of hope? Would I have been as honest with myself about my role in the break up? Would I have sought out help and counseling and grown as much as I have from the experience?

I know a lot of people go right off of a cliff after BD. They start drinking, drugging, and sleeping with everyone they can get their hands on. Their lives fall apart but in ways that are far more self destructive than the LBS's on this board who do have hope, who do have integrity, and who do follow DB.

With no hope, DB is a much harder road to walk. Maybe we are all in a fog, but maybe that fog protects us long enough to do the work needed to be ok when it lifts, and/or enter into whatever our new R is with the lessons from the past learned and being dealt with.

Either way, I won't look back and be upset that I put effort in, that I held a tiny bit of hope, nor that I did work that will benefit me whether my W comes back or not. The benefit stays with me either way.

[HeavyD]

Well said

I have learned a lot on on this forced frog march. I have tried to conduct myself with dignity and have tried to do the right and honorable thing and live with integrity. I have stood for my comittments to my God, children, W and myself. I have reached out for help with counseling, support groups and the others. They have helped me in many many ways.

Like most of us on the board, I have not gone off the rails, drinking, drugging, having random sex - just going crazy to try and numb the pain and escape. So yes, maybe the fog protects us from the pain somewhat.

I am proud to belong to the DB Community. We are better people for the process regardless of our marriages/divorces.

[jedi]

Either way, I won't look back and be upset that I put effort in, that I held a tiny bit of hope, nor that I did work that will benefit me whether my W comes back or not. The benefit stays with me either way.

Well said! I struggle with when to start "moving on" just like everyone else is, but honestly aren't we all already moving on? IMO, it's just a slow pace, one day at a time, so we aren't noticing.

[MrBond]

"I've been pondering the same thing...am I just in a fog, my W has clearly moved on with her life in every possible way but legally."

No. You just believe in something that's different than your W and are taking action towards what you believe. The fog is different. It includes the re-writing of history to justify an action.

[Vanilla]

The difference is clear, you have a lamp in your fog. You may not see very long distances but you have a guidebook and a map.

W is running around at random, there are ditches and m@nholes without covers around.

V