I should continue with the counseling with her though, don't you think? As long as I don't go in with the mentality of trying to be friends if she continues down the path of destruction?
To what purpose? Neither of you can even name the basis to continue. You don't really need guidance in co-parenting your child, do you? Do you need to learn how to communicate "after" the M has ended? Why attend MC sessions after the M ends? My point being how long do you think it would take before the subject got around to the relationship? She's already brought it up! I think both of you are using it for an excuse, but maybe with different end goals, IDK. I am not saying these aren't legit reasons for some couples, I just don't think it's the real one here. If you need counseling, see an IC. Same for her, if she needs counseling, but why marriage counseling together after she has filed for a D? For counseling to help a M, both of you would need to want to do what's necessary to save the M. That's what I want you to think about, and why she would bring it up immediately after filing.
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Sandi, I've read a lot of your posts, but what made you have your "epiphany" or what was it that lifted the fog for you?
It's difficult for me to tell it in a few words, so hang on. My H had discovered the A, but to my knowledge did not tell anyone. I had gone as far as telling my mother only that I was talking to OM (She knew I had been terribly unhappy with my H). Eventually I told our grown son that I was considering leaving his dad. Of course, I didn't tell my son what I was guilty of doing. I intended to leave the impression with my family that everything was H's fault (b/c at the time, I believed it was.).
My son immediately went to his sister with what I had told him. A couple of days later, she and I were together and that's when she told me she knew all about OM. She knew before my H knew! I had left the computer monitor on with some messages with OM, and she came in and saw it. See how careless a WW can get?
I think I must have come close to entering a state of shock. I mean, what could I say? She had caught me red-handed, and this time I could not blame anyone but myself. She was very calm, when she talked to me, but it was woman to woman........not daughter to mother, the way it usually had been. She did not get ugly or scream at me, nor tell me how awful I was and that she thought I was a hypocrite. I felt like I was such a disappointment to her. Anyway, we talked for a little while and she told me how she discovered the A.
She had been staying with us, at the time of the A. She told me that one time she was on my computer when OM came on line and he thought she was me. She told him who she was and he tried to wiggle his way out. I asked him about it, and he denied it. He failed that little test. I wanted so badly to believe him, but I know my daughter too well and knew she was honest with me. The house of cards started falling down, b/c other things started happening to slowly shake me out of the fog. My gut had tried to tell me OM had lied to me about a couple of other things(and I hate lying with a passion).
One night in desperation for someone to just talk to me, I went on line and "accidentally" found this board. I had the right people (especially two ladies) who gave it to me very straight about OM. More fog slowly lifted. I finally broke the contact with OM and went through months of hell, before feeling free of the emotional pull of the addiction.
So, it was a long and hard process for me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
