Moving On - LisaB

[Mozza]

LisaB - I'm so glad to see an update from you. I'm flattered that my journey is inspiring you. Yes, it is an experimental approach. I know some think that we should fix our relationship to the other gender on our own, but to me it's a contact sport and I need to meet people to study my own reactions.

I think what my IC is observing without telling me is that I'm a narcissist who thinks that everything is his fault. When I tell him about being afraid of using people, he wonders out loud if they might be using me just as much. It makes me more confident that if I'm straightforward, honest with what I'm seeking, then I might meet people who match me in this period of my life. We're all experimenting, not everyone is seeking a partner for life at each encounter.

I think you will learn much about what you're seeking in a man. I know that I observe my reactions closely with the women I meet. For instance, I've always sought women who would not challenge me too much, who would not appear too self confident. It makes it easier for me to approach and seduce them, but I'm not sure it's what I need in a long term relationship. I want to get out of my comfort zone and approach women who intimidate me. Is there something that you seek in men that makes dating easier, but relationships harder?

I feel like everyone I meet poses me a specific challenge. For instance, one of the women I'm seeing has a lot of issues that would get on my nerves, and many things that speak to the fixer in me. I have to bite my tongue many times not to give her advice or tell her what to do. I just let go, like I should have done so much more in my M. I observe what happens: does it become unbearable to me? Does she get worse or better at these things. In a related conversation today, she told me that she has a bit of a contrarian bent when told what to do, so I guess she's a good person for me right now. Hopefully there will be such people on your path to test the new LisaB, aka LisaA.

I understand why you fear rejection after this experience, but separation, reading and therapy have made me almost immune to it. My IC really insists that it's nothing personal, that it's a matter of finding a match. Think of beautiful people that do not attract you (Angelina Jolie in my case). So I don't feel there's something wrong with me when I'm rejected. I just think it's not a match. Keep going. And one thing I would never ever do is to try to convince someone to like or love me, or change for them. Pure waste of time and it won't end well. See yourself as a certain shape looking for the matching shape.

One word of advice, regarding online dating, that I should follow myself: make sure that you only go for the men who interest you. I fell into the trap of going for the women who showed interest in my profile, but that's not a recipe for finding the woman of my dreams. Now sometimes I see a new person I'm interested in, but I've too many ongoing interactions with others to engage more. If I had more guts, I would kindly drop the least interesting ones. The narcissist in me probably exaggerates the hurt it would cause them, not to mention that I only make things worse by continuing the interactions. I see this as a lesson about me and a step to take in the near future.

Come back to keep us posted!