STFU Smoothies on sale now!!

[CaliGuy]

Job ... uR .. you know I agree and seem to be like a cat getting baptized with this all. Thinking about it, I have the check and the envelope I figured I would just talk to her Saturday (As we drive to BIL's party) and let her know I just feel with all she has on her plate this might not be a great time .. I do know she will fire back with not wanting limbo any longer ... seems to be her current battle cry.

I decided to try a small 180, I TM her today out of the blue .. just a simple "How ya doin?" she was pretty chatty letting me know all the things she has accomplished. Also shared she is emotional as the PMS arrived in the mail ... explains the tears this morning.

I validated and gave her praise ... seems I am practicing on my teenage parenting skills, that tactic seems to work with her at the moment. She brought up the Retrouville weekend, asked for the contact info so she could confirm the dietary restrictions ... TM back that all was good, told me she wanted to take S early since she is out of work to BIL2's get out of town and clear her head.

Worst case I am out $200 ... spend the weekend learning how to communicate better, I have anxiety that as you all agree ... she is not ready, but I do not think I can convince her of that either ... it almost feels like a sabotage .. 'i tried' mission.
I am going to give this some more thought .. pray on it .. possibly pull the eject handle this weekend. I will hold onto the check till Monday just to buy myself time to really think about this. Regardless we will have to have a talk Saturday concerning it all ... I know R talks are typically frowned upon but I am at the point ... its time to know where this is headed and what W is expecting out of it all .... without making it feel like pressure as she is about to crack I can feel it. Easy right?

[Wonka]

Cali,

I am going to give this some more thought .. pray on it .. possibly pull the eject handle this weekend. I will hold onto the check till Monday just to buy myself time to really think about this. Regardless we will have to have a talk Saturday concerning it all ... I know R talks are typically frowned upon but I am at the point ... its time to know where this is headed and what W is expecting out of it all .... without making it feel like pressure as she is about to crack I can feel it. Easy right?

Let's put the brakes on this train of thought. I sense that you're getting antsy pantsy and want to know a ballpark on which direction W is heading on respect to the M. I think it will be very deterimental to the gains you've made with W over the past several weeks. Here's a tall glass of STFU Smoothie from the Happy Days countertop from yer pal, Arnold.

Right now, it is crucial that W gets the support from you given her recent lay-off from the company. By initiating R talks, you're just pouring a gallon of kersone on W's plate. Smart? I think not.

As for Retrouaville, I have a different view here. Unlike uR and Job, I think it would be beneficial for the two of you as it focuses primarily on communication approaches. There have been times when it seems that you talk past each other. By atteneding those sessions, all outside distractions will recede in the background. One big benefit I see in this is that Retrouaville will open W's eyes that all marriages have their own unique set of challenges and there may be some couples there who are much worse off than the Calis.

If I were you, I'd approach W from a cooperative standpoint and ask her open ended questions about her thoughts on attending Retrouaville given the recent changes in her job status and possibly added stressors from the event. You would want to make it a joint venture that each partner gets a say in this decision-making process.

[HeavyD]

CaliGuy

You give such good advice and seem to be such a good man. I adire you so much. You hae given me so much hope and confidence during some of he worst times of my life. My words cant begin to thank you

I hope you do in fact go to Rville. You have come so far and I ham very vey hopeful for you and your wife and family.

I agree no pressure for your W by talking about it. Just go for it and enjoy the opportunity to connect on a deeper level.

I look forwrad to hearing how it went.

Keep the faith -

[uRworthy]

Hi Luke. I wanted to be clear on a few things. You and I have built a relationship based on honesty on both sides. It doesnt work any other way for me.

I hope by now you know that I care about you. I want you to save your marriage if that is what you want. I give you advice based on that assumption. If you decide you no longer want to, I will continue to help in any way you need.

The advice I give is based not only on having gone through this. I have been around a long time and have dealt with this many times both on here and out there in many capacities.

I believe in DB. I think it is gives the best chance at saving marriages. Here's what I dont believe...I dont believe this should ever be at the expense of oneself. I dont believe all marriages can or should be saved. I dont believe that the MLCers feelings are more important than the LBS. I dont believe that anyone should sacrifice their own well being just to save their marriage.

You matter, too. Your feelings matter.

So, having said all of that, I want to say this. I completely understand your getting anxious about wanting to know where she is at. In normal circumstances, you would be right to ask her. In this one, might not be the best idea. The reason being, she doesnt know. Thats the truth of it. She just doesnt. She thinks she knows what she may want. That could change like the wind. And she is dealing with a lot of stuff.

So asking her will not get you what you are looking for at this time.

As for Retrouville, follow your gut, Luke. We give advice based on what you tell us, but, you are there and you know your wife far better than we do.

I get what Wonka said about her seeing there are couples worse off than you. She can also see couples much further along and closer than you, too.

My reason for saying it may not be the right time is because of all the other stuff that is going on. I think she is under a lot of pressure and it is an intense weekend consisting of couples who are both committed to improving their marriage.

As I said, you are right there...you can see best what is the right thing to do. I agree you should make the decision together.....and trust your instincts.

[mleigh4]

Man, I see it both ways on this. I see how she may not be ready for this with everything that is going on and I hate to think the timing may just be really bad. But then I see how this may be a great opportunity to help you both learn some more tools to trod on down the road. I don't know, I am no help on this!

But I do like the idea of asking her if she is sure she is up for this right now? Shows compassion and concern.

[Lifes Twists]

hey Cali,

I think you are spending way to much effort trying to figure out what is going on in your wifes head. You need to detach from that and focus again on you and give her enough space with support as required to figure out herself. Getting into her head will only get you into trouble.

In regards to Retrouville, I would wait and see. if she wants to go, then go. If not , then don't go. Whats the worst things that can happen? You loose your money because either doesn't go. She figures out she does not want to be together again. You come out still in limbo. If you don't go because you pull the plug and things don't work out in the future you may be second guessing your decision. let her makes this decision, its not going to kill you what ever she chooses.

Remember, this is a marathon and not a sprint. Have patience, things will work out in which ever direction they are meant too.

[Georgiabelle]

Hey Cali,

Maybe Depeche Mode got it wrong when they said "Everything counts in large amounts." Small amounts are okay too.

I have been following along and you have received always stellar advice from everyone. I see all sides to this. I understand your anxiety as you want to see some movement ( I like to move it, move it:. However, I agree with UR and LT in that your w is still a bit of a scrambled egg at this point. If she wants to go, go. However, I would keep expectations low. I do agree that she doesn't appear ready, but like Wonka said, I don't believe anything detrimental comes from attending. There is always a positive on you.

Keep focusing on you and S. Your w is probably in a bit of a mental tailspin regarding the layoff (even though she suspected it coming). And if you are ever my way, you can just shut up and dance with me. I couldn't resist!!

Hang in there. The universe and G-d (however and whatever combo you believe) truly has a way of working things out. We just don't always see it at the time. You can do this!

[CaliGuy]

Thank you everyone for your kind words ... and yeah ... even typing that I thought .. no no no ... not a good move. I put myself on time out and like I said .. got quiet and really thought about it. And ... yeah ... no need to toss grenades into the tunnel.

I think I look at how long this thing has gone one .. even before BD, and there are flashes of the old W, so naturally I want to rush right back and 'be married' again. I have to often check myself .. I am not the most patient person, I tend to push hard for what I want. In this case I want my M and Family back, but I have to keep remembering the old M is gone, even the old W is gone .. and unlike a new relationship ... she has the book on me so its frustrating as things move so .. slowly.

So I had to get back to center, realize my life as it is now .. is better than those of the past ... 2-3 years. It really is, do I have everything I want the way I want it ... no. But its not to shabby. W is slowly coming out of the fog, figuring herself out, along with all that she is also at a crossroads career wise. I think I have compared it to watching a baby giraffe walk ... seems to be on point.

I decided to continue things as I have, its got me here. Stay still ... be the rock/lighthouse ... its who I am at this point. No R talks unless W brings it up, as far as the retreat, she really still seems to want this, I do not think its going to add pressure provided I can continue to bite my tongue, and hold myself back. I am going into this with open ears ... regardless if the M works out or not, I know I can learn more if I am just open to everything and not putting so much weight on this saving the M, so thats my mindset going into this. If W gets anything from it and wants to really do the work .. great.

That being said I think its so easy to forget I have been working on me and this for so long, she has just started.... to expect her to warp up and catch me is foolish .. and if she did I would know she has not done the work so what good would that do. I said before timing seems to have a way with me and my sitch .. I do think God has had a heavy hand in all this, this time off for her very well may be the best thing for her to really look inward and do some of the heavy lifting.

[CaliGuy]

Mini update.

I picked up S yesterday, with W not working she has been grabbing him on her days, so it was 2 days that I have not seen him where through all this I always atleast got him for a few hours before W picks him up. So off we went .. me and my long lost little buddy, grabbed some food and went home. I noticed I have 3x as much energy when he is around, he was playing as I was cleaning and cooking. we had a nice night .. W was checking in frequently telling me what she was doing, asking what we were doing, the TM exchanges have increased and everything has been positive.

I dropped off S, asked her for a few things she had of mine. Also clarified she would be picking up S from school so I could empty my container and save some $$. She asked me if I wanted to come in, then kind of insisted. She made a point to ask about my job, I was brief... asked her about her day yesterday ... let her share her thoughts about the job search and the situation.

Then she asked me if I would share my faith story that I shared a few weeks ago at church since she was not there. She mentioned that she called the parish office yesterday to volunteer (This surprised me honestly as the church has kind of become 'my' thing) So ... I took about 5 minutes or so and retold the story, even the BD part. I never shared her cheating or MLC or any of that just that we split and were close to D ... nothing judgemental towards W ... just about my personal story and growth ... admitting the big faults I had, ego ... cockiness... and not having all the parts of my life connected .. keeping everything and everyone in their own little box. As I told the story my eyes welled up just as they did the first time ... then I noticed W's eyes did too. Just then I realized her eyes are different, that lifeless shark look that has been there so often was gone, there was my old W ... if just for that moment she was there.
After I finished I looked at my watch and told her I needed to get to work ... she came around and gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me, I asked why ... she laughed and said "Do you need a reason ... can't I just be proud of you?" I laughed and said .. "Well I guess not" I told her I was proud of her too ... she asked in a sarcastic way"Because I lost my job" ... I chuckled and told her "No, because of the way you are handling it, because of how much progress you have made recently, I'm very proud of you" Then I left.

Since then she has been very positive, Chatty Kathy via TM. Even offered a 30 day no junk food challenge and the winner gets something and we pay S to be the rat ... we joked about that ... this type of stuff was the good things from the old M, we would usually make bets on silly things.

So this weekend is a long trip to BIL's party ... PMA will be on full display. I will need to keep myself at center ... but right now I feel pretty good ... slowly things are moving, I get that ... I just have to make sure Cali1.0 stays out of this...lol.

[HeavyD]

YAY! Such a great post. I happy for you my friend!