Thanks, Job. I had read someone's post on here that made it sound like they were two different approaches. Good to know I can just follow the normal process.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Day two of detachment going ok. Does feel awkward as it is the opposite of instinct and easy to worry that I am making things worse. H is home working today, but doing best to avoid me. Getting silent treatment, minimal eye contact, and overall I will show you attitude. I am sure I will get better at this, but I am staying calm. I just need to get better with balancing with projecting light and happy.
Oh, and he went tanning?! I know part of the issue that my H needs to deal with is self worth/ esteem issues. Makes sense with A. He even said he felt broken in our M and that this OWA made/makes him feel not broken. Of course only temporarily while it is happening, but he is not going to admit to that. I do have a lot of empathy and compassion for H and it makes me said that he feels that way about himself and that I contributed to this with some of my behavior. I know that primarily that comes from within and is his responsibility.
Back to detaching....
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Enlight of my departure to Dublin tomorrow, any thoughts on me making some sort of statement regarding not bringing a woman into our home or his stuff will be packed up? I think Toots had mentioned this as a boundary.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Ok, so I did opt to set boundary. I told H that my stance has not changed that he slept with OW in house last week. Interesting in that he really did not argue about this statement, but I think I caught him off guard with conversation. Very sternly, I said that he is not to sleep with OW in house again. That was after I initially said he was not to bring another w in house, which of course he said he was allowed to bring friends into this home. I don't need a personal boundary for that, so I clarified as sex. I stated my boundary twice and made him acknowledge that it was clear and that he understood. He said yes.
I did not outline consequences, but feel that let's me be open to chose if it happens. I could tell he knew I was being quite serious. It felt good to verbal boundary before I leave. Felt nice to stand up for my personal space in this home. There was no mention of my evidence and he did not ask.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I think you handled it well. It will be interesting to see if he will do as you have outlined.
Enjoy your trip.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Let the spew fest begin. H was really angry this morning. Did not say much other than it was laughable that I was nervous to relay my boundry to him last night. Apparently, I was pacing as well?! Yes, H, I was nervous as I have little experience in such difficult conversations that I never ever expected to have with you. Did not say that, but thought it. I chose to walk into it instead of the easier route of ignoring it or walking away.
My calm response was that it was ridiculous that I should even be put in this postion in the first place to have to set said boundry. I then walked away. I am feeling good with it all.
I know he must be very upset and anxious about whole thing. I noticed that he is going through the tums like crazy since Saturday.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Yes, he's very nervous and he's not sure what you know and/or what evidence you have. Squirm baby, squirm!
Stay the course and do what you need to do to stay calm and collected.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just realizing how much more at peace I am when I am away for work and out of the house. I know this is in good part due to GAL, but another big factor is just not being in the same house as H. There is just so much tension right now, so the fact he will be traveling so much the next two months kis a relief. One, for him to get a better dose of reality of life without me around, and two for my sanity. An active A is not easy to live with, especially when you are confident it is be brought into your personal space.
Living in the same house was not as much if an issue before I knew about A. Since the A has been exposed, it has added a new dynamic. It also has only been 6 weeks since the A was out in the open, and even then, it was supposively over, but within a 2 weeks I knew that it was still active.
I felt it necessary to set boundry about A in house, but this seems to have made H much more spiteful and the spew coming out is hard to hear. Note, I never demanded that he end A. I just don't want it in my home, which seems fair.
I know I have read on here that GAL and LRT are key in reattracting WAH and making them realize what they are missing. Do I do not worry about the current anger and spew as long as I hit GAL and detaching hard after setting boundry and confronting H about lying about active A? I just feels things are getting worse, not better. I just can't see him being loving and nice to me again after some of the sh!t that he has said.
Can someone recommend another LBW (vet) on here has navigated an active A well so I can read their threads?
Goodnight from Dublin!!
Last edited by BW05; 06/06/1508:16 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Hi BW, I wouldn't worry about the anger. And I agree, your boundary seems perfectly reasonable. You aren't trying to control H, you are merely drawing a protective circle around yourself - the A does not take place in my home.
Now, your H is pretty upset about this because he has been conducting the A in your home. And you drawing that protective circle has poked a stick in his bicycle wheel. So, he's cross about that, and of course you are the nearest target. However, he will respect you, and that's important. Think of the alternative - you don't set this boundary and you keep on picking hairs out of the bed. This is a sanity saver for you first and foremost. And in the longer term that is more important than saving your M. You have to save yourself first.
I'm racking my brains to think of who has lived together during an active A...sorry I can't help you with that one. Others may chime in. You're doing really well by the way..:-)
Last edited by Toots; 06/06/1508:23 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks, Toots. The gaslighting stuff is just insane and the hardest part. There is clearly no logic in it, but it is easy for that tactic to work. I am just shocked by blame shifting, trying make me think and feel I am the irrational/crazy one are too much. Now that I know better I can detach from it for the most part, but there are some times I do slightly question myself and what is reality.
I am glad that you and Job seem to think I am doing well with this because it does not necessarily feel like it from this end.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
