This is the first time in my life that I've actually been depressed in the clinical sense. Thanks, STBX. Thanks a lot.
I think I mentioned that my new full-time (if temporary) job is causing anxiety, which is in turn blowing up thoughts of STBX to give them far greater validity than they deserve. These particular thoughts are generally fantasies of telling her that she's done an awful thing and actually having her listen and care.
I've been trying to figure out why I still feel awful about this. I mean, yes, of course it's a traumatic experience and it takes time to heal and recover, right. I got that. But I haven't been able to clearly identify the specific messages that drop me into depression. Part of this is that I haven't really taken the time to do so-- I've been keeping myself incredibly busy (thus not being able to allow her to pick up her stuff until next Tuesday), and each event picks me up and makes me happy, but it doesn't take long afterward for that pleasure to crumble and leave me in a ditch. And I'm not sure what I'm allowing myself to believe that makes that happen.
As far as I have been able to tell, I'm dragging myself down with thoughts of "it's not fair." Why should I be so unhappy when she's the one at fault? Why does she get to get away with it? She has a lover for weeknight activities, delightful weekend adventures, and sex. She hasn't been fired. And even though I know that she forfeited about 17 years' worth of savings in the process, finances have never been real enough for her for that to make any kind of impact other than "I guess that was the price to pay for happiness." As far as she can tell, her life is full and complete and SHE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. As my counselor said, there is no evidence to the contrary other than the hurt she caused me-- and that's just omelets and eggs.
On the plus side-- such as it is-- it appears that my feelings are no longer making it impossible to function. It's essentially just like being constantly sick. No, no, it IS being constantly sick. My chest hurts, my arms burn, my head aches, all day, every day, with temporary relief when I participate in a social activity or go on a date (and I've now gone on a few, and each one wants to see me again, which is nice). I'm still able to get work done, now, and I couldn't do that before.
But I would like to stop feeling sick, and there's got to be a way to figure out what thoughts are causing it and counteract them. There's got to be. I met with a gal for an evening's chat just this past Tuesday, and she, like me, has two masters' degrees and a PhD, all on similar topics to mine. We had a great conversation, and when it was done, my marital situation just seemed small, petty, and blissfully unimportant. There must be a way to purposefully retain that mindset.
