Thanks again. I am trying to use the steps (definitely working on myself, being cheerful & strong, not being needy or desperate, putting myself first.) but I'm finding it difficult in other areas because I feel that we have been making progress over the last 6 weeks or so. We are having fun together, we are laughing more, we are doing date nights (recommended by our counsellor). I worry that if I start to do things like distance myself or keep conversations short etc. it might be like taking 2 steps back. The one place we are truly struggling is in the bedroom (as previously mentioned). She just can't bring herself to be intimate. I'm still trying to understand which of the 37 steps apply at this point, all of them or only a few?? (LisaB, I know you said to stick to them all & maybe adjust a few....but can you see why I'm struggling with how to go about this?) Again, I can understand not being needy, clingy etc. (I was guilty of that over the past few months) but I don't know if coming across as uninterested is my best approach.
A couple things -
1) don't confuse "niceness" with "progress". Just because she is being nice to you doesn't mean her feelings have changed any. It may just mean that she doesn't want to hurt you further and is kind of "biding time". Not saying that's for sure - but her feelings aren't going to change with only time - you need to actually IMPLEMENT personal growth and change...and that doesn't happen overnight.
2) there's a difference between uninterested and detached. There are a ton of threads out there on it, but read read read them. You can't "NICE" your way back in to this. The rules are not for you to win her back - they are so you can live healthily. Read through them again with a Beginner's mind. Try not to frame them in YOUR specific relationship as you understand the purpose of each one.
