I learned some new things from my mom about the breakup of my parents. I knew my dad had one or more affairs. I knew my mom had broken off the relationship in 99. And I knew he had a hell of a time dealing with it, and certainly always talked about it as she being the one to initiate the D. Which she admits she was.
What she said yesterday was "he sure got a new girlfriend real fast. I guess I wasn't expecting that." She told him in December of 99 that she wasn't sure she wanted to be with him. She had just taken another job out of state where she was a college professor, and the plan was for him to move there shortly thereafter. She basically told him "I don't know I want you to come, now that I've had some time alone I've realized I don't want to be married to you." She had a several month trip planned for research, so she said she'd be travelling for a while. They made plans to catch up when she got back, including some hiking, etc.
When she came back in the summer my dad told her "I should let you know, I have a girlfriend." My mom asked "what does that mean?" And basically at that point he was with her, and has been since.
My mom acknowledged that she had told him the relationship was effectively over. She just figured that when they got together again they'd have a chance to sort through some things and figure out what they wanted to do. Now, 15 years later, she was still sad this is the way it played out.
It really helped me to hear that. I always thought my mom had left my dad because she didn't want to be around him, couldn't live with him, etc. I knew about the affairs to an extent (although I learned a bit more yesterday, including how my dad had been one of those crazy H's that tried to get her to understand both women loved him differently and trying to make that work). But I didn't know that my dad had burned the bridge so quickly.
Had he DB'd, made changes, and been a different man upon her return they may still be married. All of our sitches are different. But this one was my parents, so I guess it feels fairly profound to me today.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
