Funny thing hit me tonight. This is me as an actualized real adult sans STBX. I've never known this grown up version of me, without him. When ppl are together for a while, we lock identities together I think. This is me with all the parts he was part of building shaping and growing, like water over stones. Yet I was able to look over old pictures almost with tenderness and not anger.
Two hours ago I remembered discovering this week he cheated. But the pictures, he was starry eyed in those years too before he got so angry and disappointed. Most of those pictures, I could remember some terrible fight in the week they were taken. I always felt so confused and rattled the way he'd escalate and twist.
It's starting to all balance, become a cohesive something to look back on. This is exciting. It's like my heart and brain can look at the past and future peacefully in these moments this evening.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Can I ask you a favor? Would you consider adding something to you're welcome message please.
To encourage newcomers to examine if there is a history of verbal, psychological, emotional abuse and/or physical violence that has been present in their marriage, and that MWD does not advocate for applying her methods, or being the first to change in these instances.
Those of us that have been in these relationships continue in them because we believe that change is possible, it will be better the next time, we can do something about it, or that somehow it was really all of our fault that they behaved the way they did.
DR plays into this hope.
During piecing my STBX escalated his control efforts greatly. "Doing what works" in an abusive relationship will often hold it together but will also encourage more of the same, too.
I am not blaming this forum, MWD books for anything I experienced. But I think it should be an important disclaimer on that welcome message, just as MWD has a chapter that addresses how none of this applies to such a situation.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
