[Angels]

When it comes to exposing, it something part of me thinks could work because she is so secretive and very religious, although not acting like it.

You don't really want to shame or embarrass her back into the R, do you? Do you want her back regardless of how you get her?

I feel without letting her know i 'know about her cheating" my actions will just be seen as standoffish or ignoring her for no reason and since 'lack of affection' was an issue, she my think ive fallen back to old habits or i just dont care?

That is why I am saying you aren't prepared. There are links on this subject, but you are too emotional to digest it all.

I feel without letting her know i 'know about her cheating" my actions will just be seen as standoffish or ignoring her for no reason and since 'lack of affection' was an issue, she my think ive fallen back to old habits or i just dont care?

No, that is your own fear talking. A WW doesn't care about your feelings. You are the one who is scared to back away and not get her affection (which you said it was killing you). I think every newcomer LBH says this same thing, but it's not her, it's you.

I then brought up the religious aspect, and as I have been reading about it more as a way of improving myself since she had wanted me to show more interested, I said I looked up in the bible (something she strongly believes in) what is mentioned about marriages and infidelity. She went crazy, and yelled for a couple minutes “don’t bring God into this…etc”

Man, you are really grabbing for straws, trying to guilt her back. You said she was very religious. So was I, believe it or not. My H pulled the same stunt with me, and I reacted just like your W. She sees you preaching to her, and it does not work!! Don't you think she knows what it has to say about adultery? You are trying to guilt and shame her!

She cares deeply about her image also so I didn’t know if that could be used, at least so people she has been lying about me and the real issue too, which is mostly why im wondering?

Used to do what? There is a right way and a wrong way to DB. Guilt, shame, and punishment does not work. Those things are not attractive in a man, and it will not bring about love in a woman's heart.

Having an A means she has lost respect for you. She doesn't desire you. She must respect you as a man, before she can love you. She needs to feel attraction for you, but the things you are wanting to do will not bring about that attraction for her.

Well, i want my wife back because she does mean everything to me and my M and what it stands for has always been important, but i understand what your saying and if she is 'shamed' back, she would always be resentful most likely? Thinking of this more, i can see how since she tends to run, like now, instead of facing the issues and working on them, this plan could backfire because she could just plain run... thanks

you are correct about my 'fear', i would be lying if i said i am not terrified of everything happening right now. i saw in your other 'newbie' thread and i def match the part of how i feel very 'i cant do anything right', or the 'damned if you do, damned if you dont'. Its like when she wants to leave to go home and i now know where she is going, should i stop her or just let her go, knowing where she is going? following the DB approach, i should just let her go... but how can that be rationalized and not considered enabling?

i see what you are saying about the guilt and i guess i didn't see how much i was doing that. that you for letting me know that is how i am being viewed.

and you are right she has lost respect and and clearly doesn't act attracted to me anymore. I guess thats why i was so worried about why i should put a stop to the A. To make it clear, i have been DBing with myself and i think she has noticed as i have heard she 'loves' the things im doing to the house etc... so i guess thats a positive. I have returned to working out, doing chores and working on house projects. I have recently starting to reconnect with my friends too as i know i need there support through this and they all already knew something was up... to further db though, it sounds like from what your saying im still too attached and pursuing/begging by way of guilt and i need to stop that. I guess for now i will try and look the other way this weekend regardless of how i feel. i will try my best to hide it and just stay busy with the house/yard

i have noticed if im quite, like last night after i saw the true evidence of the A, she does act very nice and start talking and questioning like "is everything ok" or why are you just staring at the tv and not talking, or you didn't come see me when i came in the door (last night). She almost looks upset when i do this and i can see the concern grow, so is that why i need to keep trying to force from her? make that feeling of her grow more? or is that also just a game and it basically means nothing...

i have also stopped cuddling her at night after i mistakenly smothered her, and after the 2 weeks of no touching and back to me, i noticed last night that the last 3 nights she has gone to sleep facing me and scooting closer and i can see her staring at my lack of movement out of the corner of my eye...

thank you for your help so far, its nice to know im not alone and while slim, its possible to come back from this disaster. She is currently getting groceries, getting dinner and renting a movie for us. Even with the A she still acts so normal with day to day stuff, im so confused how she can do this...?