I’m sorry if this is long but i will try to get everything out as i need help and i can no longer cope with what i know, or deal with things on my own. I have been lurking on here for the last 2 months and finally decided to join. Me and my W have been married 4.5 years and dating for 5 prior to that. We met in and attended the same college. We have been through some big things together including the loss of her father 6 year ago (young). I am 31 and she is 29. We both work for the Gov’t. Everything was good for the first several years, and then as i recently found out, she has been unhappy for a year but due to poor communication by both of us. If we had better communication this never would have happened but im trying not to continue to dwell in the past as I can’t fix it (she is however). Anyways, she never discussed this with me, and like most on here, i was hit by a freight train when i noticed something was different and sat her down to talk about 3 months ago and it came out, ‘im not happy’. As another side not, my wife is very religious and recently because of the affair, even that view she has always had so strongly seems to have melted away…
History: When I sat her down ~3 months ago now, I let her know what I have noticed and I felt something was obviously wrong. I believe this was the ‘gut’ instinct you always hear about. The morning before this, I had also reached out to a mutual friend (her BFF) and she confirmed my suspicions that she was unhappy and actually listed out why from what she had heard. All the things to me were minor, but obviously added up to her as a big thing and I understand that now as I have fixed most all I can. I didn’t do my share of the chores (laundry, dishes, cleaning), and didn’t show affection enough in ways other than sex, and I fell into the trap where I played video games and let myself kind of go. In short, I stopped being me basically, and I stayed home instead of hanging out with friends, and I didn’t really want to do much to the point when we did go out, I would ask to leave early missing the point she was having fun. I am writing this as I have absolutely made mistakes, I admit them, and they have pushed her away prior to this talk. I know I have some accountability for this. I have fixed most things however almost as soon as I had this talk.
After the talk, I found this forum and found out I had done everything wrong. Hearing she was upset and had a foot out the door basically, I 180’ flipped myself but too much. I started smothering her (unknowingly until I lurked on here), wanted sex, cuddled every night, tried to hold her hand, take her out, start conversations, and followed her around the house… After I found this place, I realized that was not the right course of actions, but not before she told me I was smothering here several time, I didn’t used to cuddle for a long time so its too much, and the talks were too much. I tried to talk all the time about us and how we could fix things. Especially speaking for her, saying I know we can work through this, we love each other, etc… so that last a month. During this, and now, im so devastated I would basically just break down if I messed up, and was rejected. Even now, I am still have trouble with this because I love her so much and want to try and reconcile. Its evident now, I am the only one trying to fix things between us.
One of the biggest signs I noticed before the talk, was she was leaving a lot on the weekends, and while I missed it at first, it was a big factor in my wake up call. I finally realized I was the one now being ignored. I also noticed she became glued to her phone, social media sites like FB and her email, and she became very guarded over it. The guarding of the phone was a observation my gut picked up and I know something was up. Long story short, I uncovered she had been talking to someone she used to date in HS and he is divorced and laying it on thick. At this time, I was heartbroken, and did not know what to do so o pretended it wasn’t happening and hoped it would go away (stupid I know). Finally after continuing to work on the R (too fast and way too much at once I believe now), I ended up talking to her BFF who said they were still talking after I asked. I asked her if she had ever cheated on me and she confirmed no at this point but they were pushing the boundary with the convo’s. After this, another week went by and my wife acted worse and more distant than ever, so one day I had a chance and went through her phone. I uncovered the EA and how she was obviously very involved and there was a lot of sexual talk and references back to how they never connected in HS. I found a new low seeing the texts shared between them and confronted her. She said they were just friends, and was PISSED I went through her phone, obviously because I exposed them. She withdrew more after that.
For the next weeks until now, we had ups and downs. I was obviously pursuing and apologizing for what I had done and repeated I want to fix things and I know we can…etc. We had a couple great intimate trips to a city, great dinners together, and continued to do stuff (still do). We were still very intimate in the bed or whenever I would kiss her; until a month ago. I noticed the ‘I’ love you’s stopped unless I said it, texting got short, she was ALWAYS on her phone and hiding, and worse the intimacy in bed wasn’t there anymore. She acted like she didn’t want to look at me and really was only appeasing me although she would end up enjoying it after I got her going. This started to affect me though as it became so obvious to me she wasn’t interested at times (50/50) and wouldn’t makeup or look at me honestly. We then went on a trip I planned two weeks ago to Jamaica, I book a 4 star at a couple report in hopes we would find each other again if we got away. Well this turned to a [censored] show, she obviously didn’t want anything romantic (had been pulling away with everything like I mentioned), and even invited another couple (her BFF) to join us without asking me, and later I found out because we have pretty good $$, she actually helped them come because she didn’t’ want to be there alone with me! This again, killed me inside when I saw this. Yes I was snooping like you all say not too and now I know why. Also with this, I discover she has gone on the pill and be lying about it to me and even when I confronted her, she lied until the next day she came clean and said “I don’t want to risk bringing a kid into this since we are having issues right now. Flash back to the month before, she would still talk about kids with me and to my knowledge we were trying as I have wanted to start a family. So again, I found a new low after reading this and had to ask myself how do I get up in the morning, how could someone do this to me and a marriage? I still thought everything was just an EA at this point and tried continuing to do the 180 mentioned on here hoping it would fissile out if I fixed myself.
Now: Now, as of yesterday, I found another ultimate low and I can even form words as I type this. I again, snooped because her story from this weekend made no scenes to me, and I uncovered a lie that even involved her BFF to cover for her (where she said she went, but I knew it was BS based on the time she was randomly leaving, and wouldn’t look at me when I was poking with some Q’s. Before this, her BFF to my knowledge was helping us as a mutual friend and listening to both of us, and had even helped me with many other things about how my W was feeling. I think I ruined this because in the snooping I called her out on the vacation as not helping us and she should tell my wife to talk to me about issues, not her as she can fix anything, she obviously got pissed I said she wasn’t help and I think I burned the bridge there…
Anyways, when I went through her photos, I found out she saves conversations and sadly, I read them and they confirmed the worst moment in my life, not only was it an EA but and he was all in now pouring it on, it had become physical. They met the month before during a time she clearly lied about going ‘home’, and then this past weekend they met again. I am at a loss for words as my world is shattered. I have not confronted her stating I know she has physically cheated on me, and I need advice if I should let her know I know the truth now, with evidence, since she still denies the affair to my face from prior efforts. I had called her out on it, but I never had direct evidence until this conversation describing the night. Also pictures of her and OM together during other times. In case I am unable to fix things, I did gather stuff as evidence so she can’t just delete things which killed me to do. Other than the pictures, I then found FB messages, and emails that were exchanged also. So after seeing this, lord knows what’s in the other thousands of messages and snapchats they have shared. I found this out yesterday that she physically cheated and I am a mess. She was out last night, and acting so nice when she came home, and all I could do was yes/no’s while I cried harder than I thought possible inside. I just stared at the tv since I did wait up for her, and just couldn’t find it in myself to look at her. She even asked me what was wrong, why was I being quiet and kissed me before bed like she always does.
What’s next? Since I didn’t have evidence I always dance around a direct confrontation that I know she was having an affair and to stop now or leave (which I don’t want). I don’t know what to do but how can I hold on to this info without letting her know I know, and forcing her to make a choice? I think I always knew this but it has now become a reality for me. I have clearly been delusional to myself about whats happening and because been a doormat because I was afraid of her leaving and enabled it to grow more rather than completely setting boundaries two months ago. The OM is 2 hours away, divorced, and has 3 kids which hurts even more, because she always complain how she only wanted 1 or two, didn’t know if she was ready for kids, likes to sleep in, hates working, likes to travel and vacation. None of that will happen with the OM realistically, its bscally a fantasy when she thinks ti will be all fun…
She doesn’t seem to notice any of the cnages I have made, I know do my laundry, keep the house very clean, dishes, vacuum, try to hold her hand and take her out to new places, hug/cuddle her which she normal tried to reject, shower…etc. All I get is nagging, what I did wrong 2 years ago or something old and she refuses to get over the past. I have told her I have drawn a line and I can forgive you for anything you have done until know because i Iove you and I want to work on our M (basic’s of last talk).
I need help on next step or phase…? Advice? Where im still messing up? Can I do anything to still save what we have. We still live together and because get alone (prior to this). We act more like we are good room mates now then a married couple to be honest… which is a step up from bad roommates, but nowhere needs we need to be. I know and have also seen messages where she is conflicted and asking her BFF if the OM wasn’t there, she feels she we would have fixed things by now. Is something like that glimmer of hope? He of course mocked this when she tried to tell him to stop a month ago, and obviously since then she has falling completely that direction and away from me…
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for the links. I have read most of them recently as i have been on here for the last month, i just had not signed up to post my own sotry.
So my question now as im clearly devastated and being eating alive on the inside with the fact i 100% know she is still in the affair and has phyically cheated. Do i confront? How should i do this while making it known i want to still attempt to fix our M? Should i tell her to leave? I feel like ive been a doormat to much and now she is just taking advantage, the typical having her cake and eating it too... obviously this make me feel terrible and while shes having fun, i am falling apart and just trying to hold myself togather. I dont get how someone can do this, and then come home and pretend like its mostly ok. Still kiss me, before work and bed, and lways returns it if i initiate
should i confront just her, or since i have becasscially tried that, should i expose to everyone and let everyone know i still want to work on my M. By everyone, i mean the close circle who know we have issues which she has lied about making me the bad person out of all this...
I think the first thing you do is work on your self.
Yes boundaries are important but it is like losing oxygen in an airplane. Put on your own oxygen mask first before you worry that things are flying around near you.
You know basics like eating, sleeping, breathing and exercising.
Once you know you are going to be alright then you can work on other things.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Angels, If you can, take solace in the understanding we've all been where you are right now. I changed from a strong, confident man into a spineless puddle overnight. Be thankful that you have found this community. Unfortunately, it took me almost two months to find DB and this site. Get the books and read them! Begin to employ the DB strategies immediately for your own sanity.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Hi Angels, so sorry you find yourself in this mess. You will have plenty of company here on the board.
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Do i confront?
What do you wish to accomplish by confronting her? Is it to let her know that you know? B/c confrontation, alone, will not change what she's doing. Unless you are ready for a showdown, my advice is to hold off until you have much more DBing under your belt. Once she knows that you know....you will have to be very tough, b/c the last you need is for her to realize you know about her A and that you are not doing anything about it. Know what I mean?
A lot of WW's immediately announce they want a D, if confronted. In other words, things usually become worse, which the LBH is not prepared to handle. You are already in shock, so I say to wait... for a while, anyway.
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How should i do this while making it known i want to still attempt to fix our M?
If you have read my three threads about help for a newcomer LBH who has a WW, then you will know that a WW should wonder how you feel about things (especially after discovering the A). She needs to wonder what you may do. So, IMO, you should not be so fast in assuring her of anything, at the moment. Otherwise, she will try to have the best from both men.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did just read your threads on a new LBH and it helped make me see im not alone. I appear to have fallen right into the trap of most things you say will 'happen'and need to stop in order to turn things around.
When it comes to exposing, it something part of me thinks could work because she is so secretive and very religious, although not acting like it. I dont know how i can look at her knowing this happened and pretend its ok when she comes home and tries to me all nice, or make small talk. I been trying to DB for a couple months for as many of the list as i can, but obviously keep having setbacks, or the timing wasn’t right for stuff as i think it would have been perceived to make things worse. I feel without letting her know i 'know about her cheating" my actions will just be seen as standoffish or ignoring her for no reason and since 'lack of affection' was an issue, she my think ive fallen back to old habits or i just dont care?
During our last talk, she got made when I let her know “im not stupid and im sick of being treated like a fool and disrespected”. I then brought up the religious aspect, and as I have been reading about it more as a way of improving myself since she had wanted me to show more interested, I said I looked up in the bible (something she strongly believes in) what is mentioned about marriages and infidelity. She went crazy, and yelled for a couple minutes “don’t bring God into this…etc” and said “I’m Done”, so I left her alone to think. She then came to bed and still kissed me goodnight, and then acted ok the next morning… this was the day before I actually found the proof of the A. She cares deeply about her image also so I didn’t know if that could be used, at least so people she has been lying about me and the real issue too, which is mostly why im wondering? She is making me out to be the bad guy only…
I feel like ive been a doormat to much and now she is just taking advantage,
If you feel like a doormat, then there's a good chance you've filled the position. A WW will take advantage, even of the toughest guys. That is how she thinks and operates.
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i am falling apart and just trying to hold myself togather.
Then don't confront yet. Don't discuss anything with her until you can control your own emotions.
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should i expose to everyone and let everyone know i still want to work on my M.
I don't think you are ready for any moves such as that. You are desperate and wanting to do something to shock sense into her. However, you likely will kick it into higher gear if you go at this unprepared.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
