I know I'm still in the middle of yer story here and you may already have this answer, but my thought on how to DB her saying "you should already know..." etc would be to keep a Solution Journal.
I mean, what if she is legit when she says it? What if she really is crazy right now, like a tired toddler throwing a tantrum on the floor and he doesn't know WHAT he wants, he just knows he doesn't have it and someone isn't giving it to him? What if that's where she's at when she says that?
My H does similar stuff to yer W. They don't seem to know what they want. We do one thing, they are not happy. We do the opposite, they are still not happy. At those times we ought to remember the DB journey is not about the approval or happiness of our spouse all the time. It's about the health and future of the R. Sometimes that can be by making our spouse happy and giving them what they say they want, and sometimes that is by showing love to them by doing what is in their best interest, even if they don't realize it and even if they are not happy about it.
So, I suggest tracking different methods on this and see what works, even if it only works a little. Set goals, SMALL goals, using DB book as a guide for ACTION ORIENTED goal setting. Then try validating her ("I'm sorry....I can see you are troubled by this...I have no wish to cause you pain....can you please help me understand...") or try a 180 ("you know, you're right. When people are in love, they are more in tune with the problems in the relationship. How do you think we should solve this?") or other options.....and then watch and wait and refer back to the books to see how to proceed next.
I feel like I'm talking like such a know it all. Of course, imma dope about my own sitch.
Hugs!
Edit - merged from thread #2 - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 06/04/1504:03 PM. Reason: message
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Hoping I won't ever need a L. At this time H has no intention of serving me with the papers for the D, so nothing happens until that time. It's all on hold.
We start MC today. Don't know if it will get anywhere, but I will set small, action-oriented goals and work toward them in MC.
Since mlc takes years to work thru, I'm grateful he's not running to the courthouse yet. I'd rather keep working on us for as long as I can. If an A enters the pic, my H might quickly change his plans and decide he needs immediate freedom.
Wishing you well today! You still DB'ing or working on your D instead? They are pretty different approaches apart from the need to detach.
Hugs!
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Now a bunch a text photos about kids. I swear she leaves me confused. It's like she wants it both ways. Should I reply with cute or nice or just let it be and not say anything??? The photos are of the kids and the last day of school.
She always leaves me confused . If I respond does that mean I have grabbed the bait? If I don't I feel like a jerk.
Breathe .... you have thrown her, she is still trying to make sure you are exactly where she put you and you have moved a bit causing her to spin. Fits of rage followed by trying to sweet you ... total script... she is tugging at the strings she thinks still work with you and becoming frustrated as they are not working as they typically have. Stay the course.
This is probably already long since past handled, but my vote on stuff like this is that if someone else wants to spring for the $$$ for my kids to take a trip, that's awesome.
If she decided to take this to a judge to get a ruling, she'd probably be granted the right to take the kids on the trip and you'd look like you were just trying to be ornery.
Three of my kids are grown and we had to share custody with exes for them, so, honestly, over time I promise these smaller decisions are no big deal. Save the arguments for bigger things that might really impact their well being.
Just my opinion.
Merged from thread #2
Last edited by Cadet; 06/04/1506:18 PM.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Could this be a positive sign? Could it be an indication that she's conflicted about D and still wants someone to share these things with? I know she often insists she wants D, but the words of an mlc-er can't always be trusted.
I wouldn't suggest this is a turn around or beginning of the end of mlc, but could mean she's not as interested in rushing the D as she suggests. It may mean hope for buying more time to DB.
I'm still reading thru yer thread so kindly forgive if I'm totally behind and not understanding the full sitch here.
My heart's going out to you today while reading yer story. Wishing you well!
Hugs!
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Now a bunch a text photos about kids. I swear she leaves me confused. It's like she wants it both ways. Should I reply with cute or nice or just let it be and not say anything??? The photos are of the kids and the last day of school.
She always leaves me confused . If I respond does that mean I have grabbed the bait? If I don't I feel like a jerk.
I wouldn't say you grabbed the bait by responding, just keep doing what your doing. When she spews/rages don't let it get to you or react to it. When its about kids and polite respond and be polite. She seems to be wanting to manipulate you to getting her way, but you can still do what you have been doing without being controlled by her.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
I don't want to send mixed messages
You said your peace on the L issue, don't worry about sending mixed signals if she cant accept that. Its her issue not listening to your stance on it, not yours. Shes going to keep being nice to get you to change your mind, control you. Then angry when its not working like she wants. She seems to do this quite often then place the blame back on you for how things are turning out.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
So now that W has been put on notice that it's going to be the L route, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Part of me thinks it is sending a strong message to her not to freak with me, the other part of me is worried that this will only serve to push her further away and make her more resolute in the divorce.
I replied to W - L is out of town, and returns next week, I will talk to him then about the process. I honestly can't deal with her emotionaly now.
As you know - she peppers me with texts both demanding that I talk to her, and then sending text photos of the kids. I have not replied to any of the texts as I am just too upset by recent turn of development. It seems that when I ignore her texts she comes unhinged, when I respond she becomes a tasmanian devil.
I will talk to L upon his return next week - Monday if possible. He will communicate with her.
Why did it surprise you that W threw in the guilt statement "I wish things didnt have to be this way" and the jibe about "not having a voice". Those were just things to hurt me and to manipulate me to respond to her texts.
The comment "After 20 years of poor communication...My God,,, why do you call all the shots". That theme is a constant refrain with her.
I am currently out of town and drinking a large pitcher of STFU Smoothie.
