So- the exchange with Betsey regarding forgiveness got me thinking about how I feel about STBX in general right now. I think I’ve compartmentalized that and put it on the shelf to deal with later. It’s enough to keep going every day and deal with all the practicalities and my anxieties regarding my daughters and maybe I’m just a little numb on the subject of STBX. Honestly – I’m not sure what my opinion or feelings are towards him. I read other threads and the LBS is clearly yearning for the WAS, and I’m certainly not doing that. I’ve never tortured myself with thoughts of him sexually with the OWs. I have a general thought that runs through my head quite a bit that a guy who is willing to cheat on his wife and leave his family and a woman who is willing to cheat with a married man with young children (and move in directly together) are probably well suited to one another. And while I don’t want to sound Victorian and judgmental – my chief issue is that I really don’t want my kids in that household or absorbing any attitude that this is acceptable behavior. I know I don’t have a choice in this – so I work on letting it go and I guess I should be grateful that at least they are both gainfully employed and reasonably responsible on practical matters.
You know – when you realize that your spouse has been engaged in multiple affairs there is plenty to be upset about but it’s funny how you can fixate on certain specific things. I keep coming back to the fact that he started cheating when D3 was still an infant. I can’t tell you what an exhausting and difficult time that was for me. I had to go back to work when she was 8 weeks old. When I was home, she wouldn’t let anyone else hold her and because of STBX’s schedule – I almost never got any kind of break because he worked weekends. Between work and childcare, I felt on the clock 24/7 (we had no family nearby). I did ask him to watch her for an hour in the evenings so that I could exercise, but she cried the whole time and he visibly hated doing it so I ended up having to give that up. But he had the time to start up a new romance. Those times when he had to “work late” and I picked up the slack with the kids…….I’m just not able to let that go right now.
I have my kids about 80% of the time. I’m very grateful for that. I frequently don’t sleep well and sometimes I find myself looking at their precious slumbering faces, and I quite literally cannot comprehend why he would voluntarily give so much of them up. I accept that I will probably never understand it – it is one of the reasons why he feels so distant to me right now.
I have a lot to look forward to in the future. I feel myself getting excited and feeling positive about all the wonderful times we have ahead and then I feel like I crash down to Earth as I remember “Oh yeah..I still have to deal with him”.
I’m trying to force myself to remember all the positives about him. I don’t know that I’m particularly successful with that right now, but I figure if I keep doing it eventually it will help.
