MLC Sux

[asitis]

We're still close often and still working on our marriage so it makes it harder to detach. I try to think of him as a roommate who pays my bills for me so I don't get upset that he comes and goes as he pleases. I'm not yet fully successful in that reframing.

But today I did have a flood of understanding about becoming a wife that any husband would be a fool to leave and also about detaching from his tantrums. I realized many bad things may happen, earthquakes, financial disasters, car accidents, plane wrecks, disease.....and I can't control any of them. But I don't walk around freaking out over the possibility of them either.

He may do many wretched things in the months to come. And, if he does, I'll have no control over it. I can only do my best to have integrity in each moment and work on my humility so I don't get stirred up to anger over and over due to past or imagined injustices.

Let go and Let God. I am entitled to personal peace.

I'm sorry you are going through all this, and it must really hurt. I did want to point out that you seem to think there is a lot you can't control, and that may be, but there is a lot that you can do something about.

You say that he is working on your marriage, yet he has moved all your money (it is both of yours no matter who has the job) into accounts you have no access to (and maybe some that he is trying to hide from you in the event of a divorce so that he doesn't have to divide your marital assets). This is not the sign of someone who is working on a marriage. This is not something you should take lying down. It sounds like you have been very understanding and tolerant. Perhaps--and I don't know your full story obviously, so it is just food for thought--your doing a 180 may be to stand up for yourself and show him that you deserve respect and equal treatment. That these are your joint assets and either he keeps them where you can see and have access to them or you will take steps to ensure that your legal and morally rightful half is deposited into accounts under your control. Please find and consult a divorce attorney before hand so that this is not an idle threat. You need the counsel anyway given that he has filed and has started hiding your assets. You don't have to accept their advice, but you should at least hear it.

Remember that during an MLC, they are often very selfish and childish. There is also a lot of testing going on. You need to establish healthy boundaries during this time. If you H really decides to come back and work on the R, great. You can relax those boundaries as his behavior warrants. But if it is an MLC, you are in for a rough ride with someone who will behave in ways that are unpredictable and not in keeping with the values and patterns you are used to. He is trying to figure out who he is, and probably the best thing you can do is to focus on who you want to be. It is hard, but it will get easier. You will start to find some things that bring joy into your life even while the pain and hardship of your M is still there.

Good luck, and keep posting. As a newcomer myself (I lurked for a while before starting posting, but I'm still a relative newcomer), I've been very glad of the helpful insights and support others have given me already.