Just Fishin'

[lost18]

Sounds like it might be a little too late for my opinion but I would have said not to including her in dinner, but ok to collaborate on a party.

As for this "You know it's not fair that you have him on his Birthday and the weekend after. Have it the following weekend when you them for Fathers Day."

Life's not always fair and I'm sure in the future (as there will be many, many more birthdays) it won't work out so well for you. Last time I checked this is what SHE wanted....

[mahhhty]

Thanks Lost. I guess a little late. My motivation is for the kids. Her responses always push my buttons, they seem always self-serving.

Nothing about this is fair. There are still parts of me, that come out in times of weakness, which wants to tell her all the things I have stockpiled. And most come from the idea that I'm used to understanding whats going on and when I don't understand something I am usually able to learn or get questions answered, but in this questions remain. Which I know will remain until the day that she wants to talk to me, not me wanting to talk to her.

I have no idea what enables her from day to day, or what fuels her thinking. I have seen her a handful of times in 2015, which is approaching the mid point. From what I see it isn't good, shallow conversation, dodging any coparenting, averting any conversations or tasks, and physically I've noticed she only ever has her hair up. She used to always wear it down, and only up when she runs. I think thats interesting.

Anyway Thanks Lost. She hasn't written back. Who knows what she'll say next.

[Defacto]

Mahhhty,
I have no experience with navigating children's birthday parties but I am quickly approaching two in my own sitch.

I can't imagine how tough it is to organize the simplest of tasks when one parent refuses to cooperate.

Often times I've told myself that my STBX deserves to make her own choices and be happy. For a second or two, I wonder if she is happy. Then, I realize I don't even know her anymore.

[mahhhty]

Thanks D. You are absolutely right. I don't know anything about her.

[mahhhty]

So email conversation ended Monday with my last response. She didn't call M or Tues to talk to the kids. But she did FaceTime with her Mother to see them at Daycare. It is interesting to me that she FaceTimed her Mother but has never FaceTimed me since the D.

So my conclusion is that... I pursued & she went dark. Experiment failed. She is not interested in participating in his birthday or working on a joint party with me or coparenting in anyway. I guess it is time to go dark again.

I will try to plan some other type of birthday party for S. Perhaps move it up to this weekend & on his birthday I will have him. We will plan on going to the Zoo, Aquarium or the Children's Museum.

Although I need to go even darker. I am thinking about stating some sort of boundary associated to the confusion around the schedule (we should have discussed a major change, but didn't bc it was incorrectly identified, I could speculate that it is self-serving but I won't... oh wait I already did). Also, the lack of coparenting is driving me crazy. I want to place D in Art Classes over the summer, and have received less than anything from X. Any Advice?

[mahhhty]

I forgot I had a DB appointment today.

DB Coach and I talked about coparenting items. If it is for the better of the kids, I should follow up as required until a decision is made. Within correspondence should be a failsafe to promote decision making. Something like "if I don't hear from you by X day, I'll go with option 1." I will need to be prepared for fall out as a result of a control struggle. But I should try to separate feelings from facts, stay out of arguments & validate.

I'm going to email her later tonight.

PS I love my DB Coach.

[Sotto]

All sounds good Mahhhty. I got the tip from Jim of saying 'I'll do X unless I hear from you by Y.' I spent so long just waiting to hear back from H on things and patiently DBing, but feeling so frustrated.

I'm so glad to get a little power back through this approach. It's such a good little technique for those of us with sloooooooow spouses. I can work to my timescales instead of his - yay!! And if your W has concerns, well she can just come back to you within the deadline can't she??

[mahhhty]

I'm so glad to get a little power back through this approach. It's such a good little technique for those of us with sloooooooow spouses. I can work to my timescales instead of his - yay!! And if your W has concerns, well she can just come back to you within the deadline can't she??

Toots - I know right! It does make a lot of sense to try and get resolution on things. It never ceases to amaze me how my brain is already predisposition-ed to think the way I always have, but tips like this will definitely help.

As if, she was in the next room and knew I was frustrated, she emailed me back. "Please let me know what I can do for the parties. I would like to make the cake for his party. Can you send me info on what you have planned so far? PS I've been face timing them at my moms in the morning instead of calling at night."

Its interesting. What I took away from this... I learned a new approach to implement. I learned that I need to have more patience. That I need to detach more. And besides that I need to keep doing what I am doing.

[mahhhty]

BTW... Thanks TOOTS!

[mahhhty]

So... She is legit working with me for S2's birthday and birthday party. And as if she is reading this thread, this AM she was wearing her hair down. First time I have seen her with her hair down in months.

Interesting.

The exchange this AM went well. There was a lot of discussion with eye contact. It was light.