Hi Wonka and pbetra and everyone, I've been very busy lately. I work in the town in TX where 12 people were killed by the floods over the holiday weekend. I am in the insurance business now so I have been on the front lines trying to help so many people who lost everything, including a man who lived but his wife and 2 young kids were washed away. I was there when they found the 6 year old boys body. His wife was on the phone with her father in law when the house was washed off it's foundation and was sent down the river. It broke apart when it hit the bridge I cross every day for work. They haven't found his 4 year old sister yet. Another body was found just a few miles from my home...11 miles from where they went in the river.
To see so many lose so much, to see what REAL problems, REAL misery is all about just makes me see the MLCers as just so very, very weak. To listen to a man who just got out of the hospital say that he must go on because God has a plan and a reason for evey bad thing that happens. To see him the day he got out come and help others affected by the storm, help them rebuild and clean up. He didn't moan and blame and lash out and hurt the remaining people who love him. If anyone has a reason to just give up, to act out, to only care about himself and be angry and self centered he does. I'm sure he is hurting greatly inside,wants to know why this had to happen but he doesn't take that pain out on those around him. That's strength.
I found out today that next Tuesday the 9th is the day my M ends for good. My W has been moving faster and faster and being more and more awful since the day she lashed out and told me that my home is "unsafe" for our D15. She must know inside that D15 wouldn't be in the pain she's in, wouldn't be hurting herself or thinking of ways to end her life if she hadn't acted the way she has. But just like she has always done she won't face up to it and wants to find someone or something else to blame and I am the convenient target. Up until now she has been good about being flexable with D15 and where she stays and when but not anymore. She feels like she can say what days are "hers" and what are "mine" and my letting D15 stay at her mom's during the school week is back-firing because of it.
I won't be going to the hearing. Let her stand in front of the judge alone and say that she "tried" to save her M and family. That there is nothing that can be done to save it, knowing she refused to try. Knowing what it's done to her family, her D's, herself. Let her make her father proud that his little girl has become just like him. She isn't going to gain a damn thing and has made the people she claims to love and care about pay for her search for her "joy". Let her live the rest of her life knowing her D is scared inside and out for the rest of her life because of her weakness. That she has delayed her D19 from getting started on her own life's journey, has made it so much harder than it should have been. All so she can relive her childhood but this time her daddy loves her and wants her to be part of his life (at least that's what she thinks).
I realize that this post is too much about my ex. It's just that it's the end, the final act of my XW's Bomb drop. Every time i saw glimpses of her maybe coming around just a little, she would go see her father and she would get all worked up into a lather once again. Once he is gone, she will be alone. Even her mom's side of her family are shocked by her actions...people who, unlike her father, have ben there for her, loved her and cared for her her whole life. What will she do then? Will her new "friends" (who don't care anywhere near as much about her as she thinks) give her the comfort and love everyone really wants? I very much doubt it. How about the pain she is causing in her D15. Will she wake up one day and realize how much she has hurt and set her on a dangerous path? Will she realize that she pushed away the one person who has stood behind her, who loved her through all her depressions, her problems, her acting out? Will it matter when it happens? All I know is she has made my life and the lives of my D's that much harder. So much harder than it should have been.
As of Tuesday I am done. No need to worry about "detaching", I now know my ex has decided to be my enemy. She needs me to be someone I'm not and have never been, someone evil. She has made plans several times to come to what used to be "our" home and each and every time at the last min. she refused, had some "reason" that she couldn't come. And right after, she acted angry and mean. I think she is afraid to come here. To where we lived and raised our children together. She doesn't want to see anything but what she has built in her mind. A "bad" place.
Summer is coming. Time to spend with my D's and hopefully my family that is so far away. The only tie remaining with my ex is the IRS problems and she allowed her father, the day before he went into surgery, talk her into working not with me but against me in this. So be it. She won't win. In fact she would have done much better working together with me and bringing it to an end that was as good as can be for us both. Instead she is trying to lay it at my feet by thinking the lies she has made up in her own mind about me will be believed by others. She probably thinks she is right, you know how the MLCers start to believe the bad things they think about us. Problem is it won't matter in the end. I plan on making my own deal and if she wants to try and get out of it by blaming me she may just find herself being responsible for the entire amount. I don't want that to happen, I don't think that would be "fair" but it was her decision and I will honor it.
The real world is now coming hard and fast at my ex. She will still try and blame me for her unhappiness for some time I'm sure. But sooner or later she will have to face that until she learns to deal with her emotions, she will never find that joy she seeks. As for me, I will grieve for my lost 22 year M and then move on. It bothers my D15 that I don't seem to believe in "love" anymore. I asked what made her think that and she said that the way I react to "love" songs on the radio, how I no longer enjoy listening to that kind of music tells her this. I need to show her that I still do believe in love. The love I have for her and her sister and yes, maybe some day a special someone. At least I now know I need to be more careful around her. We are broadcasting our feelings all the time without realizing it. Time to change those feelings and stop giving my ex any power at all over me.
That's what it comes down to really. To stop giving her (or anyone) the power to control anything about my life. It's up to me to make the best of what I have and to make a better life for myself and my family without my ex.That's my plan. I've been moving in that direction for sometime but now I need to go faster, to find what I want and make it happen. I will make it happen!
