Some of us really have to walk away especially if there is abuse. Please be careful about generalising from the specific as it can backfire on you.
I read your words to mean that there are moments when it's possible for LBS to focus more on the WAS or WS and their role than on their own responsibility in their M. That this can inhibit personal growth. I agree this can happen and stall or stop progression. In that case the LBS isn't really doing what works and has a need for a feedback cycle. We DB ourselves first and foremost, we do that which works, we try 180s, we detach and in truth these aren't 'mistakes' just stepping stones.
If the outcome is determined by our higher power then it's the best outcome.
After all it will be alright in the end, if it's not alright it's not the end and besides the fat lady has not sung.
V
We use the word "script" with WAS's daily. Some of them may have had to walk as well. We have people on this site that have acknowledged everything from chronic infidelity, porn addiction, alcoholism, emotional abuse, and much more. Yet we still speak of the script for WAS's. I assumed that my use of the word would be considered in the same light.
My post was an observation of pitfalls easy to cause an LBS to stumble. I exaggerated it a bit because I thought it was humorous in that we can all identify with some of this (like the "how to have a MLC" thread), and also to drive the point home.
You're right that it is easy to focus on the WAS's shortcomings. The pasture in the videos I recommended basically said there isn't a married person in this world that couldn't build an iron clad court case that would convince any jury that their spouse was horrible. That's because we're all horribly flawed. So once we detach it's easy to see that side of them, feel our disappointments with the M we had, etc.
Absolutely there's another extreme. No where am I stating that we can't have healthy boundaries, that there's not a difference between being a sinner and being abusive or dangerous, or that we should permit ourselves to be violated. My caution of being wary of one extreme was not lobbying that we go to the other.
The "LBS" script has personally been useful to keep increase my self awareness on these issues, so I shared what was working for me. Everyone approaches it a bit differently, but I think we're all striving towards the same goal.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
