Cool. Glad you're here. I'm going to bed, but what made my night is the line from 30Rock. The boss (Alec Baldwin) is asking his employee what he wants. He's like "money? A promotion? I can get you into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny, then you get to eat the bunny..." Oh my god I started crying I was squealing so hard. Haven't laughed out loud like that in a while. You know how a joke just hits you exactly the right way. Priceless.
OK, take care bud!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Ha - that's classic, Zues. Yeah, I've been having more of those moments.
As I mentioned in my thread a while back, if the ww rewrites history to have everything bad, when the BD on us, as the LBS, do we rewrite history to have everything be amazing?
These moments (laughing by yourself, enjoying something) weren't around as much in my M before BD as I thought. More things I'm thinking about.
Glad to hear you had a great night!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
No Ripken, LBS's don't rewrite history as all good. They desperately cling to their M out of co-dependency for a while, they commit themselves to looking in the mirror and doing whatever they need to for the M to be saved...until they realize they can't control the outcome and get what they want (R) when they want it...then they get resentful and start refocusing on the WAS's current bad behavior, then as they detach and don't "need" the M anymore they refocus on their grievances in the M, their spouse's shortcomings (in the form of psychological diagnosis), then they decide their spouse was the failure, their M stunk, and they are lucky to be rid of their ex because they never would've been happy anyway. Yet they insist that they've grown as people and somehow have the moral high ground AND are better prepared for their next M.
At least that's the "LBS script", and it's followed as closely as the WAS script.
Last edited by Zues126; 06/03/1502:43 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Pretty accurate script. That last part is where it becomes difficult and the alternative is just easier. Ending the pain, unmet needs, "grass is green" arguments, etc. The LBS just experiences this toward the end where the WAS at the beginning. Both scripts have similarities, almost in a reversed order though.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
They desperately cling to their M out of co-dependency for a while, they commit themselves to looking in the mirror and doing whatever they need to for the M to be saved...until they realize they can't control the outcome and get what they want (R) when they want it...then they get resentful and start refocusing on the WAS's current bad behavior, then as they detach and don't "need" the M anymore they refocus on their grievances in the M, their spouse's shortcomings (in the form of psychological diagnosis), then they decide their spouse was the failure, their M stunk, and they are lucky to be rid of their ex because they never would've been happy anyway. Yet they insist that they've grown as people and somehow have the moral high ground AND are better prepared for their next M.
Were you thinking of me here, Zues?
I don't know that this is totally accurate.
I was dissatisfied for a LOT of my marriage. I felt like I tried every which way I could to reach him and he just stonewalled all the time. But I still loved him because sometimes I could see the bits of him that made me feel so connected to him. I would NEVER have left and I would have gladly reconciled if I hadn't discovered he's a serial cheater -- and that made me look backwards and see the red flags I minimized before, when I thought the marriage had a future.
Be careful how you attribute script to people who are working to heal. It's not very kind, and it assumes that the less moral, less committed person is more accurate about the condition of the marriage leading up to the rupture than the person who tried to find the good in it. It also assumes blame. My relationship skills may need a little more finesse but I ALWAYS showed up. Can you say that about someone who spent years working their way out of the marriage?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
They desperately cling to their M out of co-dependency for a while, they commit themselves to looking in the mirror and doing whatever they need to for the M to be saved...until they realize they can't control the outcome and get what they want (R) when they want it...then they get resentful and start refocusing on the WAS's current bad behavior, then as they detach and don't "need" the M anymore they refocus on their grievances in the M, their spouse's shortcomings (in the form of psychological diagnosis), then they decide their spouse was the failure, their M stunk, and they are lucky to be rid of their ex because they never would've been happy anyway. Yet they insist that they've grown as people and somehow have the moral high ground AND are better prepared for their next M.
Were you thinking of me here, Zues?
No MB. I have seen bits and pieces of this in many situations, including my own, and would say if there is an LBS script this is it. Not all of this applies to everyone. It is meant to be an aide to help DB'ers avoid making these mistakes.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Some of us really have to walk away especially if there is abuse. Please be careful about generalising from the specific as it can backfire on you.
I read your words to mean that there are moments when it's possible for LBS to focus more on the WAS or WS and their role than on their own responsibility in their M. That this can inhibit personal growth. I agree this can happen and stall or stop progression. In that case the LBS isn't really doing what works and has a need for a feedback cycle. We DB ourselves first and foremost, we do that which works, we try 180s, we detach and in truth these aren't 'mistakes' just stepping stones.
If the outcome is determined by our higher power then it's the best outcome.
After all it will be alright in the end, if it's not alright it's not the end and besides the fat lady has not sung.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
They desperately cling to their M out of co-dependency for a while, they commit themselves to looking in the mirror and doing whatever they need to for the M to be saved...until they realize they can't control the outcome and get what they want (R) when they want it...
This is definitely me. I'm only 2 months in, so my basis for this is minimal, but I have to agree with Z that this portion seems to be widely the same across most threads I've read on here at the time immediately following BD.
What happens from that point on I think is much more situational. For me personally, I dont see myself ever blaming my W for this, or thinking she was the cause, or that I would never have been happy anyway.
Perhaps at this point it's no longer a script per se, but more of a flow chart. One path has the LBS taking responsibility for their own faults and bettering themselves, GAL, 180, etc, and the other path has the blame being passed to the WAS and presumably no meaningful personal growth occurring moving forward?
Abuse is the exception here of course. Abuse seems to be the exception to most things DB...
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
No Ripken, LBS's don't rewrite history as all good. They desperately cling to their M out of co-dependency for a while, they commit themselves to looking in the mirror and doing whatever they need to for the M to be saved...until they realize they can't control the outcome and get what they want (R) when they want it...then they get resentful and start refocusing on the WAS's current bad behavior, then as they detach and don't "need" the M anymore they refocus on their grievances in the M, their spouse's shortcomings (in the form of psychological diagnosis), then they decide their spouse was the failure, their M stunk, and they are lucky to be rid of their ex because they never would've been happy anyway. Yet they insist that they've grown as people and somehow have the moral high ground AND are better prepared for their next M.
At least that's the "LBS script", and it's followed as closely as the WAS script.
True - but i'd like to point out that "script" wrongly carries connotations of rehearsed, predictable, and even untrue. Rather I believe it simply a "generalisation". A generalization is NOT bad or untrue it is a neutral statement of what is factually, generally true in the majority of cases.
The statistically safe bet is that the WAS genuinely feels the way she describes at the time. Generally they dont turn back on this as it would have all sorts of repercussions personally. The LBS has no other choice than to move on as you describe. None of this is bad or wrong, it is simply how human mating rituals play out. Attenborough could do a doco on it.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
